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Feeling so down. Dumped!(11 Posts)
I am really struggling at the moment. Had a wonderful, fun relationship with a new bloke for the last 5 months and he has dumped me last week.
I have been a single mum to my 2 dcs for the last 7 years, life has been really busy. I work and get some support from family as arsehole xh decided upon us splitting that he would never see our children again. My life with him pretty much put me off any other men for life!
Apart from a brief fling a couple of years ago i pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I would be single until the children were much older. (And decent men in late 30's, 40's are very thin on the ground anyway!)
So I was a bit hesitant when new bloke asked me out last year but I had known him a long time as our children attend an activity together. All has been great all this time, we have had time alone often but equally spend time with the dcs together (he is a lone parent also) who have always been friends anyway.
Here comes the shit bit. My youngest dc is not the easiest of children, life has always been difficult somewhat with behaviour and she is very highly strung and just hard work all round really. New man has ended our relationship because of this after her last tantrum/meltdown last week.
I just did not see this coming as we had been having such a good time and had made many plans for future things to be doing. My suggestion about seeing each other without the dcs was snubbed that he would feel like he was using me as it'd just be about sex!! (That's the other sad part, the sex was fantastic and we really just clicked)
I just feel so sick and bereft. Lost 6 pound this week as can't eat and I'm not sleeping. I am just so pissed off. I was doing fine on my own and now I feel like he has set me back years.
I don't know what I'm asking and sorry this is long (I have name changed too) but I just need to get this out and would love to hear any advice of when I might start feeling better as life and whole shit future ahead of me at the moment just feels so depressing.
Oh that's rubbish
If he genuinely couldn't cope with your child then as much as that sucks it's for the best (especially for your DD) that he was honest and ended things.
Don't let it set you back - it sounds like a good relationship, just not quite the right one as ultimately your families weren't as compatible as you'd hoped. But that can actually be quite healing (IME) after a really horrible relationship (your XH?). That realisation that there are decent people with whom you can enjoy a relationship and even if you aren't quite the right fit nobody has to be abusive or cruel or cheat etc.
Of course that doesn't help with the hurt, and it's hard to say how long that will feel raw for. Your future does not need to be bleak and depressing though - this was a close fit, just not quite right. Your arsehole radar is screwed on right (assuming you mentioned everything) which is great for meeting future potential partners, so take the time you need to recover and don't worry about it. I know that's easy to say, but it will be ok.
In the meantime, do eat, even if just nibbling chocolate or something!
Thanks so much for your kind words TheWordOfBagheera
Yes, my arsehole radar is firmly scewed on, mumsnet has taught me so much over all these years, I wish I had known about it when I was going through hell with shit xh!
I just feel like after so many difficult years (xh has left me up to my eyes in debt for a long time to come and evades child maintainence as self employed) that I could have done without these wonderful last 5 months to be right back at rock bottom again!
I know it sounds so sad and desperate but I would have been prepared to just get together once a week even if it was only just about sex! My self esteem must be so low I know
Lovely post Bagheera
Hang on in there OP. I was single for about six years after splitting with ex and like you, one of my DCs can be pretty, er, charmless to people who don't know him well. The good news is that kids grow up and need less of your time, and good men are actually slightly more available when you move into the 45+ bracket IME.
Plus, to be completely honest, if he chose to dump you because of your DD, I'd question whether he would have been the right person for you long term anyway. The right man will jump through hoops of fire to be with you.
Break ups suck, however old you are. You're not weird or wrong for feeling down - it sounds as though he didn't give you much warning either?
No, there was no warning whatsover, great christmas together, great valentines day and all lots of fun right to the end!
I know you're right that the right man for me would not be too put off by a difficult child and we could have found ways around this but it seems he wasn't arsed. It really hurts to think that he just wasn't all that into me!
Oh - and when you say you feel set back - I learned so much from the short relationships/break-ups I had, post ex, before I got together with now DP. I learned what I didn't want, what would make me miserable in the long term, what I shouldn't settle for. Some of them were really painful but I don't think I would have found my way to what feels like the right long-term relationship for me if I hadn't had those experiences.
And I agree - it sounds as though you weren't/aren't quite in a place where you could hold your head high and say 'ok then, let's split' and walk away. So you maybe do need to have a look at your self-esteem and think about how to build it up.
Meanwhile, ring a mate and have a good cry
Heather Havrilevsky was a real lifesaver for me OP - this link is good but if you're anything like me you might find it useful to read lots of her Ask Polly pieces - she's very wise IMO
Thanks Tres all really good advise.
I had a nice night with friends, did drink rather too much and had a good cry.
Got a nice day planned for just me and the kids today.
It's not going to be easy bumping into him all the time, will be a few times a week at the kids activities
Thanks for the link as well, been having a good read. Lots of sensible advice.
[euphemism for a hug]
I don't think it was bcs he's not that into you. He's just sensible and knows what he can't cope with.
I've had so much trouble in my family if I encountered any more in a potential relationship I would have to get out, even if the relationship was good.
It's one of those things. Hurts like fuck. Nobody's fault
I know he has been sensible I suppose and it's just shit how it's turned out.
I feel physically sick all the time and like I'm running on adrenaline! When the hell will this pass?
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