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Please tell me what to do?

(53 Posts)
shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 15:33:38

My nc father has just turned up on my doorstep, with my nc mother waiting in the car.

He has left his number if I want to get in touch. God it was the same old shit. I'm lazy, my problem is.... Blah blah. He can't even get my name right.

He admitted that my mother is a habitual liar but I should just take that with a pinch of salt.hmm

He looked old, hes 69. He said hes not got long to live as has a heart condidtion. Hes had in for 22 years though.

I don't want my parents to die with not contact but god my sanity.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 15:34:07

Please help🙏🏻

daisydalrymple Sat 27-Feb-16 15:35:20

How long have you been NC? Are they still waiting outside?

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 15:40:21

About 9 years. No not outside.

daisydalrymple Sat 27-Feb-16 15:48:37

Gosh, that's a long time for him to just turn up after NC, but then nothing's changed?! It sounds like the reasons that forced you into NC still remain and that he's almost saying they want to be back in your life and you need to accept their behaviour as it can be justified now with his diagnosis.

I'm not an expert on this area, and there are lots on here who are, as you probably know. I'm just LC with MIL and NC with my brother, but I read threads every now and again. Maybe if you don't get much response now, try bumping early evening for more traffic and you will probably have a more helpful chat / advice?

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 15:50:26

Thanks for responding Daisy. flowers

Yep same old issues. Yes thats it I should just suck it up.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 15:51:27

Oh and they have turned up a couple of times over that period. And Ive had the odd bitchy letter.

scarlets Sat 27-Feb-16 15:51:27

They need to understand why you're NC and be prepared to work hard at winning back your confidence and respect by changing their behaviour. If they can't or won't give it a genuine shot, avoid them.

daisydalrymple Sat 27-Feb-16 15:57:06

Wow, just that really!

But you do say you don't want them to die with no contact, so I suppose it's whether you feel you're in a different place in your head after all this time to deal with them?

Has it crossed your mind at all over the years to get back in touch? Do you live close by/ have siblings?

BubblingUp Sat 27-Feb-16 15:59:37

I'm 18 years NC with my Dad and I am standing firm in spite of the "drive bys" as I call them - although for me it's usually via post. To me it's a bomb drop out of the blue and so utterly manipulative. I never respond. He wants contact with me not because he wants a relationship with me, but so he can pat himself on the back for being a super awesome Dad. It has nothing to do with me and who I am as a person.

Your reaction to his "drive by" seems to indicate nothing has changed. They still push your buttons and make your heart race. They are still trying to manipulate.

daisydalrymple Sat 27-Feb-16 16:00:43

It sounds like they to just want to carry on where things left off to be honest.

Is it common for people to try and regain contact when they know life is limited perhaps?

I hope this doesn't cause you lots of stress and time thinking things over again. Do you have someone in RL to mull things over with?

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:02:49

Daisy. I thought I was alot stronger, now I'm not sureconfused they live a few hours away, its vaguely crossed my mind. I have siblings, one is a complete physco part of problem and other I have been painted in a bad light.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:05:39

Sorry to hear that bubbling up. Yes its the same old issues. Nothing apart from age has changed.

To complicate matters my 11 year old was upset by his turning up. My teen was out luckily.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:06:01

Dh has been great as always.

magpie17 Sat 27-Feb-16 16:21:24

This is a big worry of mine, I am NC with my parents and brother and would die if any of them turned up on my doorstep. Luckily they don't actually know where I live so that is very unlikely!

It's so out of order to just ambush you like this and regardless of any supposed 'health problems' it sounds like they haven't changed so why would you want contact now? I have thought about this a lot, mainly because people always say 'but what if they got ill' when I tell them I'm NC. The fact is though that they are still the people they and have still done the things they have done. If I heard they were ill I would feel sorry for them, but I feel sorry for them anyway. And if I got ill, which people seem to assume is impossible, I wouldn't want them anywhere near me.

I have no advice but you have my sympathy and I think you should think very carefully before letting them into your life again. Either way, them just descending on you is unacceptable and they should know that.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:23:27

Sorry to dripfeed. Last time my father dropped in, he apparently went home and told my mother that dh beats me.hmm that is categorically not true. My dh is lovely.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:26:24

Magpie, just a word of warning. I moved to another part of the country and they found me.angry

I will think carefully. I feel under pressure as they are staying in a hotel until tomorrow. Dh keeps asking me my thoughts. I just want to curl up in a little ball.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:28:50

He was her 30 mintues max. In that time he said I was lazy, I had problems, I have a lot of issues I need to let go of, I was a bitch in my teens and am lucky my dd is so good so far.

magpie17 Sat 27-Feb-16 16:35:32

God it's worse than I thought, I figured he turned up all contrite and wanting to build bridges.

I would stay as far away from him as possible (and your mum) to be honest. He clearly and categorically does not have your best interests at heart. Do not be swayed by 'health' problems, it could all be a lie! I truly believe that his behaviour shows you that no good can come of re-establishing contact with people who behave like this.

I found it useful to think 'would I put up with this from a friend?', if the answer was no then I wouldn't put up with it from 'family' either,

Be careful here.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 16:38:48

Thanks Magpie. No he came in all I don't want to argue but...... I am so
Lucky I have dh and my dcs but god I'd love normal parents. sad

exWifebeginsat40 Sat 27-Feb-16 16:58:28

my mother emailed me (via my sister on an email address I set up just for this) after 9 years no contact.

I gave it a look. I don't know what I was hoping for but all I got was a moan about how she hurt her leg and some other self-pitying bollocks.

I figured I have nothing to lose so I mailed back telling her exactly how she has made my life difficult and about my mental illness caused by how my childhood was. I got a 'sorry you have suffered' but she still wanted all the latest gossip.

I haven't replied and I won't. she is poison. no contact means no contact now until I hear she's died.

stay strong OP. you owe them nothing.

shutupandshop Sat 27-Feb-16 17:06:02

Thanks ex wife. flowers sorry you are going through this too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Feb-16 17:23:56

Did you know it was he at the door; does your front door have a spyhole for instance?.

Your parents have not changed one iota; this was all done purely and simply to draw you back into their web of dysfunction. Do not fall for it; any contact from you is the reward for them to bother you even more. Your dad is simply her hatchet man here who cannot be at all relied upon; he has enabled her his whole life and he has also failed to protect you from her malign influences. He has also failed you abjectly as a parent.

Your parents had their whole lives to make a positive difference when it came to you. They made their choices and still will not leave you alone and in peace.

You finally understood that you mattered ~ even if you only mattered to you. You stood up to the way that they treated me and said “no more”. And they refused to validate that there was ever a problem and they took the stand that the only problem was me, just as they always did. There was no place for my voice but none the less I HAVE a voice; and I have a choice too.

They were once young and toxic, now they are old and toxic. They have not changed.

Do consider also posting on the "Well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 27-Feb-16 17:24:40

You will need to grieve ultimately for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

OzzieFem Sat 27-Feb-16 17:28:55

Put a safety chain on the door and if they turn up just close it on them. You don't have to say a word to them, or even let them in YOUR house.

If you know that they are at the door before you open it just don't answer.

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