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DH not speaking to me. I don't know what to do

(67 Posts)
recyclingbag Sat 27-Feb-16 14:45:01

I'll try and keep this brief.

We went out with some of his friends last night who came back to ours. We are all really good friends.

I sat on the sofa with one of them and chatted in a cosy way. Nothing sexual at all but I was quite drunk to was sort of cuddled up to him.

I don't fancy him at all and think of him like a little brother.

When they left DH went ballistic.

He says I have no respect for him and can't possibly love him if I behave in such a way. He says it is the final straw and he can't come back from it.

He has not spoken to me all day.

I've apologised but it's not enough. He says he knows there was nothing going on but it was disrespectful nonetheless and we are over.

I am dreading when the kids go to bed.

PurpleDaisies Sat 27-Feb-16 14:51:29

When he says its "the final straw", does that mean you've had issues in the past? Not talking to you is childish. I can sort of understand why he's not happy with you cuddling up to someone else but that one incident doesn't sound like a reason to declare your marriage is over. What fo you think will happen when the kids go to bed?

youdontknowmebut Sat 27-Feb-16 14:55:59

Are you scared that he will become aggressive towards you? What do you mean by the final straw? Have you behaved this way in the past? It seems very extreme of him announcing your marriage is over off the back of last night? My husband would probably be miffed if I cuddled up to someone but I don't think it would end our marriage.

recyclingbag Sat 27-Feb-16 14:56:36

It's been a stressful week.

He says I don't treat him with love or respect and treat him like a servant.

This is so far from the truth. We both work but I do all the school runs, sorting out etc.

He does shop and cook and generally does what I would expect any parent to do.

I don't feel particularly loved or supported either and have felt more resentment recently.

So it might be the case that we both need to be kinder to each other. However, I doubt he will agree there is anything wrong with his behaviour or think he needs to change.

BathtimeFunkster Sat 27-Feb-16 14:58:54

Presumably he has found himself alternative accommodation for the night, since he's leaving?

I'd make sure he knew that if things are over you want to start making arrangements now and not drag things out.

recyclingbag Sat 27-Feb-16 14:59:34

A long time ago, before we were married, I had some inappropriate conversations with a friend of his.

Nothing ever happened but it wasn't my finest hour. It was 15 years ago.

I think it's more the way he feels I treat him. One example he cited was arranging a meeting before checking he could do the school run. He obviously never checks with me, including overnight stays but apparently that's different.

defineme Sat 27-Feb-16 15:03:32

Well do you actually want to be married to him? He doesn't sound great.

Lottie2611 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:07:00

He doesn't sound great?!

It's his wife that doesn't sound great.

Why would you want to cosily cuddle up to another man, and not your husband? Focus on that, and not who you expect to do the shopping!

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:11:31

I wouldn't want Dh cuddling up to another woman if I'm honest. If you are going through a rough patch, maybe this is making more of an impact than it otherwise would on him.

You need to sit down calmly and talk it through, if he will. Maybe when he's stopped being so angry.

recyclingbag Sat 27-Feb-16 15:14:01

No me neither.

I do love him and certainly don't want our marriage to be over. Hopefully we can talk about it later.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sat 27-Feb-16 15:14:57

I agree that I would have a problem with DH doing this

Sounds like a final straw type of thing, plus you have form (sorry)

Is counselling an option?

MrsCampbellBlack Sat 27-Feb-16 15:15:58

If I were your DH I'd be pretty furious too. Cuddled up when drunk - I mean just how cuddled up were you?

NickiFury Sat 27-Feb-16 15:17:47

I would want to dump you too. It's an intimate thing isn't it? And right in front of everyone. Were you trying to make him jealous?

Cabrinha Sat 27-Feb-16 15:21:12

I can't imagine cuddling to to any male friend in front of my husband.
Doing it drunk makes it no better.
And you may think that the disrespectful inappropriate unloving conversation with a friend was 15 years ago, but that rot may have remained.

Would you like to watch him canoodling with another woman?

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath Sat 27-Feb-16 15:21:32

He doesn't sound great? SERIOUSLY?

Fucking hell - only on Mumsnet! shock

OP it sounds like you have a problem with alcohol and when you get pissed you become far too flirty and attention seeking and have no concept of appropriate boundaries. You probably make a fool of yourself and embarrass your DH. I imagine this is pretty humiliating and irritating for him to have to witness.

Given you have form for this I cant really blame him for not having much tolerance this time.

Topseyt Sat 27-Feb-16 15:21:44

Errrm, if I saw my DH cosying up to another woman I would be very upset and angry. I would also expect him to be angry with me if I cuddled up to another man.

It sounds as though he feels betrayed. I think I might too, in his shoes.

What on earth do you mean by meeting before he could do the school run?

recyclingbag Sat 27-Feb-16 15:25:11

A work meeting meaning I would have to leave early. I arranged it then asked him if he could drop the DC off. If he couldn't then I'd ask a friend. He says this was unreasonable.

It was just one example though.

He has been cuddled up to one of our friends before when we've all been it together and I have done it before and he didn't mind.

But obviously I won't be doing it again.

Paulat2112 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:28:31

I can understand exactly why he feels hurt. If the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel seeing him cuddled up drunk with another woman? Given your past with his friend, i can see even more why he is upset.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:28:50

I just cannot imagine two people cuddling up together when their other half was in the room!

Set the scene: how cuddled up?

Legs I'm him? Arm around him?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 27-Feb-16 15:29:14

Legs on him*

FifteenFortyNine Sat 27-Feb-16 15:29:28

A lot of issues in your relationship that you need to try and sort out. Of course, the first question is do both of you want to try and sort it out. One person can't save a relationship by themselves

tealoveryum Sat 27-Feb-16 15:32:47

I wouldn't be happy with cuddling up either but it sounds like this is perhaps a 'last straw' thing? You've both been under stress, not getting along and feeling unappreciated and rather then talk it out before this you have both kept quiet. Then this happened and it was the last straw for him, something he couldn't ignore and just let fester.

It's possible it could have been you getting angry had he done something that sent you over the edge from festering/ignoring to getting wound up and letting it out.

You need to talk to him about it being over. It could be this is the end for him or he may calm down and agree that you both try to make it work. Get straight what you want to say, write down bullet points if you need to. Listen to him and then give him the chance to listen to you. If he choses not to, then it's over anyway.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sat 27-Feb-16 15:36:41

By cuddled up what exactly do you mean.

Because I wouldn't give two shits if someone I was in love with was pissed up and sat next to a friend drunkenly cuddling them.

I would give two shits if it was combined with other things

Sparkletastic Sat 27-Feb-16 15:42:49

Sounds like he's massively over-reacting and using it as an excuse to have a go at you. Lots of sanctimonious types on her seem to want to kick you when you are down. Hope the talk goes well.

tealoveryum Sat 27-Feb-16 15:49:55

Thinking about it OP, was this friend of his you cuddled up to the same one you had previous inappropriate conversations with before you got married? Because that would make things worse to me.

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