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Cold hard reality check!!

(41 Posts)
lauraann137 Sat 27-Feb-16 02:24:06

So me and my fella have been together two and a half years both had really messed up relationships in the past which has led us both into having trust issues, we agreed to be honest with each other and talk about our feeling which seemed to work ok, we had the occasional row which turned into a war a nasty things were said but we'd soon sort things out... anyway valentines day he purposed to me, said he is happy he loves me and that we shall draw a line in the past and make the best out of our future. Which was great I cried when he purposed I was so happy then yesturday we have a blazing row something minor which he managed to dredge up all arguments from the past also stating he didnt want tk purpose he felt obliged to he apposed last night today I'm sat there thinking and it suddenly hit me.... We are never going to get married ,,, we're never going to get through our issues our relationship is on a timer it's only a matter of time before one of gets sick of this. don't get me wrong relationship is great most of the time but when we argue god we argue, something feels different this time though :'(

KeyboardMum Sat 27-Feb-16 02:51:34

Wow, that sounds incredibly stressful. Personally, I can't stand arguments and blazing rows, it feels like a waste of time and energy for two people to shout at one another for ages with no real result - and then be all bitter afterwards. It's kind of disrespectful. My OH and I rarely argue about anything and have a nice, calm home life as a result of it.

What are you two even arguing about and why does it have to descend into a blazing row? You're a couple, which makes you a team. You need to have each others back and communicate your frustrations in a healthier manner - getting married won't change that.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 27-Feb-16 02:53:30

Trust people's actions more than their words. If he brings up things from the past in fights, then that is who he is.

Your relationship does sound very volatile, with all these rows, and the dramatic cycle of making up. That's not sustainable long-term, so marriage doesn't sound like a good idea. Being married will not remove the rows: you'll still be fighting just as much, but now bound by a financial contract.

Out2pasture Sat 27-Feb-16 03:00:19

would you consider getting some counselling? even if it is just for you. there are skills to learn so that arguments don't go down hill quickly.
ways to end the discussion when dreging up stuff first starts.

lauraann137 Sat 27-Feb-16 03:09:02

We argue because he doesn't trust me, he is going out next week and had told me to give daughter a day of school so he not worrying about me or if there another man in the house. I've not done anything to cause that sort of mis trust his exs have done that. The only thing I've done is give his mate a lift in the beginning of the relationship I didn't think it would be a problem but it's the base of our arguments

HirplesWithHaggis Sat 27-Feb-16 03:38:31

Do you have children/property in common with this man? If not, it's a straightfoward Leave The Bastard.

His exes didn't create his mistrust, btw. His own need to control did that.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 27-Feb-16 03:40:22

It's bad enough to be living in a relationship like this as an adult, but a child is living in this atmosphere too?

OP, I know that films and books love a good volatile relationship, present it as being dramatic and 'romantic' - it's not, it's fucking exhausting and it is absolutely NOT a sign of a healthy relationship. Trouble is, it's so fucking exhausting that many people don't have the energy left over to stand back and see it for what it is - a BAD relationship that you should leave.

Am I reading you right, that because he's going to be away he doesn't want you leaving the house at all, not even for the school run? That is seriously fucked up.

So. He's gone from "draw a line in the past and make the best out of our future" to "he managed to dredge up all arguments from the past" in less than two weeks. This is not going to change. I would step back from this relationship; spend some time not in a relationship, just raising your child in a calm and loving home; and work on your trust issues. This is not a relationship in which to raise a child. They will end up with a really screwed attitude to relationships.

KeyboardMum Sat 27-Feb-16 03:48:57


Why do you to marry that?

KeyboardMum Sat 27-Feb-16 03:52:30

want was supposed to go in there somewhere.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 27-Feb-16 03:52:57

I wouldn't marry someone whose position was that we "should make the best of our future".

He's told you to keep your daughter off school as some sort of latter day chastity belt?!!

The basis of your arguments is that you gave his friend a life 2 and a half years ago?!!

These are some of the clearest and shiniest red flags I've ever read on put it bluntly, do not bring this man permanently and legally into your daughter's life. I don't see how the relationship can be good most of the time. I wonder if it would be good by the majority of people's standards?

How long before you're not allowed a mobile phone or an email account because he doesn't trust who you're contacting? Or you're not allowed to leave the house unless he deems it necessary because you might cheat? And how long until these trips out are timed? Or tv programmes you watch are controlled? I wonder what other subtle controls he's put in place, because telling you to interrupt your child's education for his own ends is appalling and pretty extreme.

Whatever has gone on before that means you think this is what you're worth, well you can deal with that another day, but get rid of him.

RiceCrispieTreats Sat 27-Feb-16 03:53:23

Holy shit, he wants you to take a child out of school, to chaperone you at home, on the off chance that you might otherwise decide to fuck another man?

This man is NOT WELL.

Please please please don't stay in this hellish relationship. He'll have you on the back foot and questioning yourself, instead of living your life to its full potential. You need to be free of this, OP. It is not healthy for you, and you can't change him by sticking by him.

Cabrinha Sat 27-Feb-16 09:18:47

Ah, you're the one with the delightful man who accuses you of your mouth tasting like another man.

There's not point in saying "leave" because anyone who didn't need help to just do that, would have done so long before now.

Lauraann, please please email Women's Aid for a chat. Just start with telling them that he accuses you of tasting of other men, take it from there.

Every woman reading this who has experienced a loving, caring, respectful relationship will be screaming at the screen and worrying for you, and feeling sad for you.


CalleighDoodle Sat 27-Feb-16 09:26:28

He is not a good man. He is controlling and nasty. Dont expose your children to this.

gamerchick Sat 27-Feb-16 09:33:58

When we have kids we lose the right to stay in dysfunctional relationships imo. If you're on your own stay and scream at each other all you want but to expose kids to that is selfish. Think of your child and end this now.

CremeBrulee Sat 27-Feb-16 09:36:12

Run far and fast OP. Wanting your daughter to stay off school to chaperone you is a clear, bright red flag. Normal partners would not do this, it would not cross their minds. This is the leading edge of a dangerous pattern of behaviour.

My father started out married life by locking my mother in the house when he went to work because he had similar trust issues (she was entirely blameless too). It ended 27 years and 5 DC later after a spiral of severe domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse.

Don't put yourself in that position and don't have DC with him.

Secretlove Sat 27-Feb-16 09:38:29

What a vile controlling man. Definitely get out. The problem is he is not going to go easily is he so you need a plan.

CremeBrulee Sat 27-Feb-16 09:39:49

And if you can't leave for you then do it for your daughter. Witnessing this volatile relationship will stay with her for life.

tallwivglasses Sat 27-Feb-16 10:26:58

I saw a woman in the bank once. As she was leaving she turned to her friend and said 'hang on I've just got to take a selfie in front of the clock so he knows where I've been'. A couple of months later it was in the local paper that he'd beaten her so badly she'd ended up in hospital. These things escalate, OP sad

KeyboardMum Sat 27-Feb-16 11:38:13

Indeed they do.

Hissy Sat 27-Feb-16 17:26:56

They're right love, this is not a good guy.

lauraann137 Sat 27-Feb-16 18:01:52

We've had a talk and he says he only goes the way his does and says the things he does during arguments because he is scared of loosing me. He says I'm the the best gf he has ever had and he loves me more than all of them put together. He says he wants to marry me and be happy ect. But I've got to bear with him at times as the green eyed most er gets the better of him.
When I say we get on well most of the time it's true we laugh we have fun we get each other ect it's just when the arguments come they come with force and leave me feeling deflated . When we first got together he had a poster of an a tractive nearly naked girl above his ed I thought it was just a man thing 4 weeks ago he told me it was his ex he there relationship only ended because she moved back home (she is polish) he kept that poster on his wall until he moved in with me a year ago. You can imagine how I reacted he says I'm over reacting and she has got nothing on me. I just don't know how to feel anymore. He is a little bit controlling and there's a lot of one rule for him another for me. But I really do love him, the kids never see the arguments I won't allow that so won't it be a case of the trust issues will resolve in time or was I right when I said it's just a matter of before one of us gives up

tallwivglasses Sat 27-Feb-16 18:07:42

Bear with him? hmm You make sure it doesn't happen in front of the DC? Watch out laura, there's soon going to be eggshells all over your floor.

Hissy Sat 27-Feb-16 18:18:12

Op... All that bollocks he just said...


lauraann137 Sat 27-Feb-16 18:19:23

I know tallwithglasses I'm just hoping for the best in my relationship that's not so bad is it? :// I understand where your all coming from I guess it seems really bad when I put it all together and write it down, done get me wrong he doesn't get th better of me in arguments I can rase my voice just as loud as him and I won't back down to anything. The only thing wrong with me is I'm teary in arguments don't know where it comes from eyes just start watering then I look like a puffed up fish lol.

gamerchick Sat 27-Feb-16 18:21:15

It doesn't matter whether you love him or not. You don't have the right to expose any kids long term to this man. It's going to get worse it's like reading the script the stuff he's coming out with.

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