DH and his DB's addiction (long sorry)

[LadyCassandra]

I'm posting to rant really, or at least get it all straight in my head. It will probably out me but i think i only know one person on MN so I'm not too bothered tbh.

BIL (DH's youngest brother) is an addict. Has been for at least 12 years. In the past it has been excused by the family as "he's not an addict, life just gets too hard and he goes on binges". Ten years ago he nearly killed himself (possibly intentionally) by driving his car into a lampost and the extent of his addiction/depression came out to the close family.

DH's family are strange (to me), his parents are still married after 42 years, but his DM recoils when FIL is in the room, she despises him. FIL is emotionally abusive, has been a terrible father and an awful role model. All three of their sons (DH and his older and younger brother) have had mental health issues over the years, DH's seems to manifest in depression, but also the need to "fix" everything. His DM is seen as a victim who needs to be looked after due to the awful life she has.

The thing is, her awful life is a result of her own bad choices: to marry a man she didn't love (she told me this), to not protect her sons from their father, to not move away with them when she had the chance and to still be with him now. He has never worked and she has supported them financially and through benefits for years.

We live in Australia, they are in the UK. One of the factors in us moving away was to try and get DH to stop trying to look after everyone. In the year before we left we would get calls from his DM on a regular basis to go and find BIL as he had disappeared on one of his binges

We went home last year for the first time in 5 years, taking our two DCs. BIL was so depressed he could barely come out of his room and missed our 3 year old's party. It was heartbreaking to see. He has such low self confidence, is overweight and suffers with psoriasis. I really love him and it makes me really sad.

We barely heard from him after our trip, until 4 weeks ago when he contacted DH for money, saying people were coming to the house to kill him (drugs) and he was desperate and wished he was dead. He still lives with his parents and DH's main concern was his DM. We had a long discussion around sending the money and I stated that we could only afford to send $ He needed $. I wasn't happy about sending the money as i feel it is enabling his addiction and at some point he needs to face up to his problems, but DH was adamant and we sent the money, via a friend's UK bank account.

Two days later I find out that the friend had lent DH the remaining $ and I was furious, and even more so when I discovered that the friend's wife (my best friend) also didn't know and she was equally furious. This has caused problems in their marriage, and we have all had to spend time fixing our friendship.

I said we are not sending anything else, I don't care what happens, that is it.

Today BIL has messaged for more money and we have had a huge argument again. He cannot send money without my knowledge so I am not worried about him doing this, but I am furious that we are made to feel guilty for not "helping" as I know it is not helping, but enabling. I know he has asked DH and not the other BIL because he knows BIL won't help, neither will other members of the family who can afford it. I think he is manipulating DH and it makes me so angry.

This morning DH sobbed and said he wished BIL was dead to put and end to all the worry. I am heartbroken for him. I think he needs counselling to work out why he feels the need to rescue his family all the time.

Sorry for the long post, I think i need to get it straight in my head. Any advice appreciated.

[wannabestressfree]

It's horrible when it's family but you are doing the right thing. My partner is the same with his brother- forever bailing him out and I used to get so angry. We would go without so he could lend him (a single person with no major outlays) money.

All your husband can do is not continue with the secrecy and tell his other brother and agree a plan. Perhaps the police need to be informed to protect his parents? Well done for saying no more though.... how much did he borrow from your friends?.

[LadyCassandra]

wannabestressfree It was the same amount we had sent, so the other half of what he had asked for. It was a lot, for us and for them. I was so mortified we paid it back with DH's wages in full the following week and went without paying bills, etc for a week.
Following sending the money, DH asked BIL lots of questions by text, like how much did he owe altogether and who, etc. Not one response, other than a message to say the relief was unbelieveable. Then three weeks later another request. DH told him that this was the first week we had a full wage since before Christmas and that it would mean our kids going without so he can't have it.

[wannabestressfree]

Good. And why should you enable him?
I know it sounds awful but partners brother is like it and P is a soft touch. He is so depressed, always on the brink of something, never mind he is depriving his nephews, won't go to the doctor etc....

All your husband can do is remain strong..how old is the brother? Could you talk to the other brother?

[LadyCassandra]

Older BIL is a hypocondriac and drama queen. Everything is too much trouble for him, he can't drive an hour to pick his mum up for her to come over for the weekend and instead makes her travel 3.5 hours by train.
He is totally useless and utterly frustrating but I do admire his ability to not get sucked in.
Younger BIL is 34, he is single and has never had a girlfriend. He has a really good job which is amazing considering he has been in rehab and written two company cars off. Its like he has never hit rock bottom so he will never get better iyswim?

[wannabestressfree]

He needs to yes without someone else picking up the pieces.
What a family.... so it all falls to you? I can see why moved so far :)