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Slowly losing faith in men after all my previous experience

(10 Posts)
allofyou Fri 26-Feb-16 00:18:44

I never had good experience with men. I dated guys who were dating their ex behind my back. I dated guys who were married and hid it from me. I dated guys who were abusive. I dated guys who i thought were loyal and moral but turned out to be a two timer. And I didn't jump from one relationship to the next. I always left myself for at least 6 months to a year before I dated again. I always reflected on my experience. Yet it always went terribly. I got hit on by older married men. I got harrassed by older male co-worker. What is it about me that tells men I don't deserve love??

I love my dad as a daughter. I dislike him as his wife's daughter. I would go so far as to say I wish my mum was with someone better. They are happy now (I think) but he never took care of my mum in any way. Never bought her birthday presents, no anniversaries, no alone time with her, not a single trip with her alone, expected her to do all the housework and barely helped. He cheated on her once with a prostitute. He's such a great dad but a complete a-hole as a husband.

This forum just convinces me further that I shouldn't expect there would be a man who would make me happy forever. I believe in love, believe that there's someone out there who is just right for me. I just got out of a breakup and working hard to improve myself and am happy to be single. After all my experience I think I still believe I can find love. But i don't want to let men dictate my happiness.

But how could they not dictate my happiness if i truly loved them? sad need some wisdom here.

timelytess Fri 26-Feb-16 00:55:14

Stick to the truth. Keep your story straight. No-one can be responsible for your happiness other than yourself.

TheNaze73 Fri 26-Feb-16 08:14:11

Your happiness is a lot to pin on a bloke. Despite your negative experiences with blokes, we're not all the same

1DAD2KIDS Fri 26-Feb-16 11:27:26

There are good men out there as well as bad ones. It's the same for women. But there are decent men out there. The forum is not a good place to conclude all men are bad. Most people post with problems but don't post to say when things are going great.

Secretlove Fri 26-Feb-16 11:31:59

I don't think you can expect a man to make you happy forever. That is too unrealistic. You will always be disappointed with that mindset.

It's a cliche but you do need to be happy with yourself and set up your life the way you like it. Then fit in a relationship around that.

I do know how you feel as I am very disillusioned and have given up on the idea of romantic love but I can still live a fulfilling life.

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 11:40:47

You grew up watching your mum being treated terribly by your dad and your view of how relationships work is based upon that.

I am positive this has had a huge impact on your way of thinking and contributes to why you seem to attract the 'wrong men'. Counseling would help you with this. Would you consider it? At the very least, you could read up on emotionally abusive relationships and get yourself clued up on the subject.

This is a classic example of why women should NEVER stay in a dysfunctional relationship 'for the sake of the kids'

Also agree with PP - you need to be happy in yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

Slowdecrease Fri 26-Feb-16 11:43:47

Yes your mum unfortunately gave you message to keep your expectations low by staying with a man who treated her poorly.

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 11:47:49

slowdecrease very eloquently put. This is bang on the money.

tootootoomuch Fri 26-Feb-16 12:10:58

I haven't had the best lucky the past few years either.

I think there are wonderful men and women around, but a lot of them come with baggage and insecurity and poor choices and they are only human and make mistakes.

It's important to know first and foremost that how someone treats you is almost always about them and not you.

Also important to get to a place mentally of seeing what you deserve, and not settling for less. I think once you do that then you start to attract better.

I do think we attract love at the level we love ourselves and the lower points in my life have attracted bad men.

As for knowing what you deserve....well really, I think you deserve someone like you. So unless you lie, cheat or are abusive - then you don't deserve that from anyone else either. However low your self esteem or level of faith in men if you stick to that once simple belief it should help.

There are lots of wonderful men everywhere who love their wives, who are honest, who are loving and supportive and kind and don't ruin your life.


AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 26-Feb-16 12:36:26

To allofyou and tootootoomuch,

From the listen up sticky at the top of these Relationships pages:-

"I really want to debunk the myth that all men are bastards. They simply aren't. If you feel that all the men you meet are, it's because you are unconsciously sending out vibes to these men. They can spot a target a mile off.

Be on your own. It is much easier than sticking by a tosser. If you have been in more than one abusive relationship, seek some counselling, you may be co-dependant, or you may be modelling relationships on a warped template, perhaps from childhood".

People learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents; yours taught you an awful lot of damaging crap that you have carried forward into your own relationships. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like so your own template becomes warped. These destructive patterns can be unlearnt but you are going to have to put an awful lot of emotional work into it but it will be worth doing if you do this. I would also suggest you read the website entitled Baggage Reclaim and enrol yourselves on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid.

Love your own self for a change.

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