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Can you fall in love with someone completely against your will and judgement?

(19 Posts)
tootootoomuch Thu 25-Feb-16 22:33:50

I am not sure if this is a brief infatuation or if it's something else or how I make it go away because it's driving me absolutely mad!

We met up and I wasn't at all interested in him, but we ended up together one night and I found it was one of the best nights of my life. Not just sex wise but just every click on every level.

We never enjoyed a relationship really because right off the bat we were both playing hot and cold and neither of us wanted a relationship with the other one (we both have our reasons) and I hated the way he made me feel so vulnerable.

All we did was fight, not talk for a week or two and then one or the other would message or call and we'd end up right back where we started.

Jumping all over each other, and not just sex, but long hugs and kissing like it just felt the best it's ever felt with anyone. Both of us have dated other people and just end up drawn back like magnets.

This went on for six months or so until I firmly pulled the plug a couple of weeks ago as I felt it wasn't going anywhere. By that time I had come around to the idea that we should just be together but he hadn't.

He's very practical, I am more of a romantic and there are definitely very real hurdles to us being together properly but I did feel like I just wanted to try.

He says he feels that way too, can't forget me, finds it hard to feel attracted to anyone else but at the same time he does keep going on dates with other people - which makes me feel absolutely awful.

I have also been dating other people, some are completely wonderful. Currently had a couple of dates with a doctor, handsome, very attentive and keen to grow a relationship and all I can think of is this other man.

I feel absolutely bereft without him. Like a sinking feeling in my stomach and every time my phone goes I am so sad the message isn't from him.

I can't contact him, because I was the one who ended it (I wanted more) and he knows what I want so contacting him is just me accepting less than I want and it won't work unless he wants the same.

Practically speaking he is the last person I should feel this way about, but I feel really just so mopey without him.

Am I in love? an that just happen without you conscously thinking it over?

And if i am in love, if he does realise he doesn't want to lose me -will he come back?

cleowasmycat Thu 25-Feb-16 22:36:09

So know how you feel but would like to know others opinions !

tootootoomuch Thu 25-Feb-16 22:38:00

Well I don't really know if I am in love or just infatuated? It's a very weird feeling.

Piemernator Thu 25-Feb-16 22:38:49

Far too intense and exhausting. I was knackered out just reading it.

Gileswithachainsaw Thu 25-Feb-16 22:39:40

I know what you mean too.

I think everyone has that "one".

the one who you can't be witg, it would never work with and who somehow manage to bring out the worst in eachother when you are together. yet somehow it never feels with anyone else how it felt with them.

GirlInTheDirtyShirt Thu 25-Feb-16 22:39:54

I've seen"limerence" bandied around in the past and it sort of seems to be what you're describing. Can't link to wikipedia as I'm on my mobile.

MaryRobinson Thu 25-Feb-16 22:40:00

We never enjoyed a relationship really because right off the bat we were both playing hot and cold and neither of us wanted a relationship with the other one (we both have our reasons) and I hated the way he made me feel so vulnerable

This sounds like drama, and why would you want to be in a blowing hot and cold relationship.
Are you sabotaging you own happiness for some reason?

LineyReborn Thu 25-Feb-16 22:44:35

I agree about the self-sabotage. And you're subconsciously using this guy as a prop, as the instrument of that sabotage.

It's not love, but it is a need. If you can work out why, and what you need this drama to accomplish, you'll move on and have a better relationship with someone else.

HeddaGarbled Thu 25-Feb-16 22:47:57

Definitely not love. Infatuation exacerbated by the soap style drama.

He's very likely to come back because all that stringing you along is fun for players. When he's having a fallow period between dates, expect a booty call.

I think you want a proper relationship and he's still dicking around having lots of casual sex. Because you are like a proper grown up person and he's not. There are lots of lovely men out there who want proper grown up relationships. Don't let this idiot stop you from finding one.

Canyouforgiveher Thu 25-Feb-16 22:54:23

There is nothing like that feeling of infatuation and yes it often is with someone completely unsuitable. Kind of adds to it really. But love isn't usually like novels or movies as in:

- people don't transform just because you are infatuated with them

- you get over it - even if he was the love of your life, you'll get over it and meet someone else you'll like better

I feel absolutely bereft without him. Like a sinking feeling in my stomach and every time my phone goes I am so sad the message isn't from him.

That really is the feeling of getting over a breakup. It ends. You were smart enough not to waste time with someone who wasn't going to be good for you. honestly you'll get over it. in the meantime not being flip about your feelings, but it is all part of life's rich tapestry.

JenEric Thu 25-Feb-16 23:30:18

Sounds like infatuation coming out of amazing sex. You say "not just sex but hugs and kissing" but it's all sexual contact. It sounds like sparks fly physically but in other areas you are totally incompatible. You need to cut all ties and break the addiction if you want a chance of a proper relationship.

tootootoomuch Thu 25-Feb-16 23:31:56

Urgh. I am just used to breaking up with people because you don't fancy each other any more and all that fancying and kissing and can't wait to see each other feels like something you should be enjoying rather than ending, but I know he didn't want to commit so had to call it off.

It's a horrible feeling.

Self sabotage? I don't know. I just know being with him makes me feel so happy and being without him makes me feel so sad.

I wish I could feel this way about one of the men who wants to be with me and the annoying part is that they are better than he is. It's not like he's anything special. Just special to me!!!

No one else even wants him. Grrr.

tootootoomuch Thu 25-Feb-16 23:34:28

And what do you do to make the feeling go away?

Is it as simple as not seeing or speaking to him?

Doing that seems to make it worse because I forget all the reasons I dumped him in the first place.

As someone said above, it's never felt like this with anybody before.

allofyou Fri 26-Feb-16 00:20:52

if you have to ask if you're in love, you prob aren't.

Not prob, definitely.

Slowdecrease Fri 26-Feb-16 20:59:35

If being with him made you happy and not being with him makes you sad, why didn't you just be with him in the moment?

Caprinihahahaha Fri 26-Feb-16 21:03:12

No, I don't think so.
I think the 'oh my god I can't help myself' feeling is just us making excuses for shit decisions.
I think intense infatuation is often borne of a desire to do anything to change our situation especially if our situation feels like a rut.

Twinklestein Fri 26-Feb-16 21:20:59

This kind of thing is great fun - the highs, the lows, the breakups the makeups, 'I hated you, I loved you too'. It's a Kate Bush song or pretentious French film.

It goes on like that until one of you pulls the plug because it's not actually a relationship.

No, you can't fall in love with someone against your will - some part of you wills it. And why not, that's part of the fun.

The question is how old you are and how much you want to settle down. If you're early 20s this can run and run. If you're 30s you need to wise up and get a shift on.

Twinklestein Fri 26-Feb-16 21:22:49

Btw you'll invite him to your wedding and he'll turn up late and bang the church door as he arrives and you look back at what might have been...

All part of service. wink

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 26-Feb-16 23:21:18

The bedrock of love is mutual respect and compassion.

What you have hear is lust + addictive drama. The remedy is to go cold turkey and to wait it out. It will pass. But you need to cut all forms of contact and stick to it.

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