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Tell me there's something nice round the corner

(6 Posts)
YetAnotherNC Thu 25-Feb-16 21:58:11

I have posted before about H who has spied on me and been generally emotionally abusive, manipulative and controlling. Everyone said LTB but I guess everyone has to do it at their own pace, to face the fact that their "other half" isn't the other half of their puzzle after all. I didn't want to give up then, but it's not taken long with me standing up for myself for the cracks to become fucking obvious. He blames me. He blames my lack of warmth, the fact that I haven't given him enough affection, support, been tactile enough, had sex enough. Apparently if I'd done that, we'd have been fine. hmm boggle. It made me realise he doesn't actually know (or care?) who I am. He doesn't listen to me, or believe anything I say. Not truly. And it makes my life feel like a sick-inducing nightmare, where I'm going slightly mad and everything is an illusion.

So, Once I realised what was really going on, and gave him umpteen chances to prove it wasn't, that he understood, that he got it, that he'd try to change, that he'd actually not just try but really change, of course he hasn't changed. So we're getting divorced. The house is for sale, the DCs will have to be told, life will change from a once apparently rosy perfect life to being divorced fuck-ups. I am so unspeakably angry. But apparently that's not ok either.

The difficult bit is that despite everything, I hate seeing him hurt. I don't want anything unfair. I just want what is best for all. Please tell me this gets better and I'm doing the right thing for all of us. It's bloody lonely here at the moment.

Resilience16 Thu 25-Feb-16 23:47:14

Hi Yet, sorry you are in this situation.
Well done for realising it was fucked up and you need to move on.
Your partner is trying the blame game, don't fall for it.Life was far from rosy, given what you have told us here, so please don't feel guilty.
You gave him chances, nothing changed. You are allowed to be angry, use that anger to power your exit from this abusive relationship.
You deserve better, as do your kids. No one is saying this is going to be easy, but I can guarantee once you extricate yourself from this and look back you will wonder why you put up with all the crap for so long.
Good luck and hugs for you x

YetAnotherNC Fri 26-Feb-16 06:58:09

Thanks Resilience, I'm pretty sure I'm right to do this, I can't see any healthy or realistic alternative. It's just desperately sad and I don't think I've ever been so sick and angry in my life. It's made harder by the fact that we've been perceived as a "lovely couple" so this is a bolt from the blue for most of our/my friends and acquaintances, which has provoked a few pretty thoughtless reactions. They don't know the inside story, but to be asked "can you see it from his point of view" (when I've tried and tried and tried) is upsetting and infuriating. Hey ho, I've just got to keep going and hope it gets better.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl Fri 26-Feb-16 07:37:24

Nah, you won't be a divorced fuck up. I sometimes wish my life were a little easier, bit I never regret separating. Never.

LilaTheTiger Fri 26-Feb-16 08:06:14

It does get better.

You're in the middle of one of the most traumatic times of your life right now, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself to nice little things you like, an album, a movie, a couple of hours with a book, try and find some peace and enjoyment.

When I was I the middle of separation hell I'd go to the cinema by myself in the daytime. It was lovely.

A friend bought me a piece of jewellery engraved with "this shall pass" and it did.

In a couple of years you'll still look back on this time as awful, but also as over. Stay strong flowers

pallasathena Sat 27-Feb-16 07:24:24

And one day, you'll look at him and think 'What did I ever see in him?" It took me a year to finally say those words and know that I had completely detached from him and his emotional abuse. And when I did, there was no stopping me! All my confidence returned, I started caring about myself, valuing myself and stopped the pity party for one where like you, I too felt sorry for the bastard.
And my kids? Not scared anymore and for the first time in their little lives, full of fun and happiness.
Whatever you do though, don't get involved with someone on the rebound. You need that year of being awesome before you open your heart to someone new.

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