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I am gay

(7 Posts)
ilikebaking Thu 25-Feb-16 19:20:25

There I said it.

I am gay. And married, to a man. I am a woman and I like other women.
I have been married for seven years, have two children and am deeply deeply unhappy.

I met my husband when I had come out of an abusive situation with both a woman and a man, who were in a relationship and using me as a toy between them. I instantly fell in love with him, and yes, was attracted to him.

But now I am not anymore and I am craving being with a woman again. Maybe I am bisexual, but regardless, I cannot stop thinking.

Does this mean the end? I don't think I want to divorce him.

Ideally I would like a girlfriend and him too. I know that is mad and could never happen, but I can dream. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have many friends and the ones I have I dint want to tell this too.

My family are very religious, so I guess when I fell for him, I rushed into marriage because it was "right". I could never openly be with a woman and be welcome at functions or even spoken to by anyone.

I don't dislike sex with him, but I shut my eyes and frequently imagine he is a woman. I don't touch his penis, ever really. And I am starting to feel weird when he tries to kiss me at all. It doesn't help that he has gained a lot of weight and really let himself go, probably because I am distant and neglecting him.

I don't want to wreck our dds lives by having them live in two different houses.

Does anyone have any tips about how I can cope living feeling this way?

JenEric Thu 25-Feb-16 19:49:16

You sound very confused. I think you need to remove your sexuality from the equation and look at your marriage. When did you stop being happy? Did something happen? Did your DH change his appearance? Did his behaviour change? Did yours?

I think you need to try and figure out the answers to these questions and figure out of your DH feels the same way.

You say you don't want to divorce so try and fix it. Look for the problems and see if they are solvable. Talk to him and be honest. You never know what may happen.

JenEric Thu 25-Feb-16 19:53:41

Also no one should be learning to live with being unhappy. Find the cause and fix it. It may be divorce or it may be something else but everyone deserves to be happy. Don't let anyone else's opinions stop you pursuing happiness

rumbleinthrjungle Thu 25-Feb-16 19:58:23

Do you have a local LGBT group in your area? You'll very likely find there are other members who are in or have been in marriages and those groups are usually very supportive places to chat and get support.

CherryPicking Thu 25-Feb-16 21:51:39

hi OP. I've been in a similar position to you. I'd better warn you these sort of threads can go pear shaped pretty quickly (won't be long before someone comes along to tell you off for wanting to have your cake and eat it, I fear).

Anyway, don't worry too much about putting a label on yourself. Do what you have to do to make yourself and those around you happy in the long term. Be honest with your husband, as I'm sure you'd want him to be with you. And be honest with yourself. You wouldn't be the first woman to be in the dark about her own true sexuality - we're very good at conforming and doing what society expects of us - up to a point.

Have you thought about getting some counselling just to help you work through where you're at and how to move forward?

CherryPicking Thu 25-Feb-16 21:52:08

hi OP. I've been in a similar position to you. I'd better warn you these sort of threads can go pear shaped pretty quickly (won't be long before someone comes along to tell you off for wanting to have your cake and eat it, I fear).

Anyway, don't worry too much about putting a label on yourself. Do what you have to do to make yourself and those around you happy in the long term. Be honest with your husband, as I'm sure you'd want him to be with you. And be honest with yourself. You wouldn't be the first woman to be in the dark about her own true sexuality - we're very good at conforming and doing what society expects of us - up to a point.

Have you thought about getting some counselling just to help you work through where you're at and how to move forward?

Iwonderif Thu 25-Feb-16 21:58:49

Didn't want to read & run. I have no advice but life is so short. Too short to be so desperately unhappy as you describe yourself to be. Please seek support with organisations that are out there. I hope you will find your happiness OP. Whether that's with being with a woman or staying with your husband or being single.

Be kind to yourself flowers

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