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Can't do it anymore

(29 Posts)
gustofwind Thu 25-Feb-16 16:36:37

Name changer, will try not to drip feed.

I really need to know that I am doing the right thing... I need to know if anyone has been in my position and how you managed to stay 'together' mentally.

I've been married for 13 years, to a man who I love and still do. We've had some of the most amazing times I could have ever wished for. We have 2 dc.

However, he has a problem with drink, drugs and rank online sex chat profiles. It's been constant. I have caught him every time my instinct tells me to look. The first time I found out was by accident, I've never been one to snoop.

I have tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it. I have trusted and trusted and trusted him not to do it again. It's finally the end of the line for me and I've told him so. Here is the tricky part. He tells me he had no idea that I meant what I was saying... for all of those years. (I think because I have been seen to allow it just by forgiving him.) He is utterly devastated. And I want to be kind to him and our dcs. Especially the dc's. They love their dad and he loves them...

I don't know how. I am scared. Really scared for me, the dcs and him. He's not unstable or anything, it's not that - it's just the anxiety of the change about to hit us.

Any words of wisdom?

bulldogclipster Thu 25-Feb-16 16:40:18

It is scary.

I have been there.

1 year on and I am the happiest I have ever been. And I never thought I could get to this point, not in a million years.

I don't have time right now to reply properly but just wanted you to know...you can do it.

ouryve Thu 25-Feb-16 16:45:23

He's devastated? Poor him.

Of course he didn't take you seriously. That would have meant him giving up something he values.

It's hard now, but will get better. Your job will be to worry about yourself and the kids. He's a grown man and can sort himself out. Even if he makes a big gesture of changing, this time, tell him good, he needs to, but you will not be the person he leans on to achieve this, nor will you be the person he does it for. He needs to make changes for his own self.

Resilience16 Thu 25-Feb-16 16:45:56

Hey gust,sorry you are in this miserable relationship. Reread your post back to yourself. What would you say if you were advising a friend in the same situation?
A relationship built on drink, drugs and dodgy sex profiles is never going to thrive. If you have tried to talk to him about it previously with no change in his behaviour why do you think it will be different this time?
If he had addictions he needs to get help to sort them out. Paying lip service just to keep you there isn't good enough. If you really want to give this a final go, you could give him an ultimatum and a deadline, shape up or ship out.
It could work, but looking at previous form it is unlikely. At least you could then walk away knowing you gave him a last chance.
If you do issue an ultimation then you do need to be prepared to follow it through.
Try speaking for Narcotics anon and Al anon for more support.
Good luck xx

Jan45 Thu 25-Feb-16 16:51:43

Aaaw boo for him, he's taken you for a mug for years and now is devastated.

All I can say to you is you are doing the right thing; I don't know how you have managed to conduct a relationship with someone who has issues with drink, drugs and chasing other women.

About time for you to have a life you deserve OP.

gustofwind Thu 25-Feb-16 16:58:13

Thanks for the replies.

Bulldog, it's what I'm hoping for... but I just have so much self doubt.

Ouryve, the first line did make me laugh, which is nice. Right? Idiot man, now I feel so guilty for breaking up an outwardly blissful family.

Resilience, that's what where I am. But I have been there so many times. Do I try and trust that he wont do it again, because I tell you I don't think I can. I want to have some respect for myself again. I just really don't know what to do. I know for a fact I'd be telling any of my friends to get out...

RatherBeRiding Thu 25-Feb-16 16:58:57

Its hard, sure, but not really tricky. If you think about it - he "never thought you meant it"? He thought you were kidding? He thought it was OK to carry on behaving in a frankly despicable way because you didn't file for divorce, and so he assumed you "didn't mean it"?

That is the most pathetic excuse I've heard in a long while, and I am struggling to get my head round it if I'm honest.

All those years you have spent talking to him about it, and how it made you feel. What the hell did he think was the point of you talking about it, if you didn't mean it?

Yes he's devastated. But not because he finally gets that his behaviour bothers you - he will always have know, on some level. He's devastated that you are actually following through this time.

No man that thinks you are really OK with alcohol & drug addiction, not to mention the dodgy sex chat stuff, is worth hanging on to.

The change will be huge, there's no denying that. But, honestly, what would you be staying for?

Embrace the change as your chance, and your DCs' chance, to make a fresh start without all the lies and the disrespect and the worry.

gustofwind Thu 25-Feb-16 17:00:27

its just so sad. He thinks he can make it better - he's being model DH, which isn't hard. If you take out the rubbish part it's pretty amazing.

Trouble is, I am broken and I don't know if I want to try and fix it again or how I can. He'll do it again. It's who he is I think.

gustofwind Thu 25-Feb-16 17:03:56

Ratherbe, nail/head. That's what I want. For us. Quiet. No anxiety wondering where the fuck he is, who he is with and what he has taken...

Before Christmas was a real low point. Bringing people back to our house to carry on a party with our dc in bed. How is that okay?

I am serious when I say I've really really tried to talk to him. He's never really wanted to change because like you say; I really want to follow through this time. Love to. There is love. I just don't like him.

Friendlystories Thu 25-Feb-16 17:06:44

It will be scary but the prospect of many more years being deceived and lower down his list of priorities than drink, drugs and sex chat sites and the effect that will have on you and the DC is even more frightening. He didn't think you were serious about ending it because it suited him not to face up to that until he absolutely had to, it sounds like you've given him more than fair warning, you're not responsible for the fact that he's chosen not to change and now has to deal with the consequences. All change is scary when it's new but the new situation quickly becomes normality and you and the DC will adapt faster than you think, especially if his behaviour has been disruptive and hurtful. You haven't said much about what it's been like living with the things he does but it can't have been good or you wouldn't be ending it, your new life can only be better than being with someone who puts you through that. As for worrying about him, you can be fair and decent over how you manage the break up and future contact with the DC but, quite honestly you and the children have to be your priority now and he has to take responsibility for his own life. Ultimately he has pushed you to this point with his behaviour and you need to be clear in your mind that although you have taken the decision to end it he is the reason you've had to.

tribpot Thu 25-Feb-16 17:09:19

Do I try and trust that he wont do it again

After you tried and tried and tried to talk to him about it and you trusted and trusted and trusted him not to do it again?

Honestly, what do you think would be the result if you said 'okay then. I know I've said one last chance 7 million times before, but this time I really mean it'? You would mean it exactly as much as he would mean it when he said 'I won't screw up this time, I will give up drugs, booze and rank sex chatting'. And he would know what you really meant and in six months you'd be back to exactly where you both are now.

Ending the relationship now doesn't have to be forever. There's no need to start divorce proceedings immediately. (Although you may need to protect yourself financially). But at the very best your relationship needs a major change in the dynamic, a change that cannot happen whilst it continues in its current form. Him leaving and working incredibly hard to show that he really does want to change his ways might be the only way to save the relationship long term. I think you know in your heart that he won't put in the work, that he values his relationship with booze and all the rest above you and your children. That's his choice to make.

Jan45 Thu 25-Feb-16 17:09:57

now I feel so guilty for breaking up an outwardly blissful family.

I am amazed at your disbelief in yourself, he broke your family OP, not you, you've never had a `normal` relationship, at least not in the way where two people respect and love each other, he loves himself and yes you are right, he will continue to behave like a lethario, cos, yes, it's him. You either stay and continue to be treated like crap and bow down to his superiority over you or you get out and make the most of your life and make your choices yourself, instead of living in the shadow of someone who thinks it's ok to be on dating sites....

Not so outwardly blissful, if folk you both know can see him on dating sites....

ouryve Thu 25-Feb-16 17:16:21

And of course he'll do it again. He's proved time and time again that he'll do it again. He's proved time and time again that you're not particularly high up that list of things he values.

It's a pretty crushing realisation flowers

gustofwind Thu 25-Feb-16 17:23:43

Jan45, it's taken me nearly a year to get to this point... I'm reading the very words I am trying to say to myself. Thank you.

I want a life.

The old classic - 'he really looks like he means it this time' springs to mind. What bullshit. Utter fucking bullshit.

He will do it again. Probably take him a while, but I don't doubt he'll do it again. The guilt he is reaping on me though. I had no idea it could be this bad. I have no idea why I am wavering.

I also, like an absolute mug - don't want him to look bad. Seriously. I have so much work to do on myself.

Ending the relationship doesn't have to be forever is a bit of respite from the guilt. Thanks Tribpot.

gustofwind Thu 25-Feb-16 17:27:25

I don't think I've ever given an ultimatum because I've never been ready to follow through. I am ready now and it's too late for him. Why didn't he take me seriously? Because he knew I wouldn't follow through.

And now look at him. On the floor, begging me for one last chance.

sad

Jan45 Thu 25-Feb-16 17:33:17

Are you really that surprised OP, you are about to burst his wonderful bubble, all is great for him, shit for you, but perfectly happy for him.

Time for you!

Once you get away you won't feel that guilt he is placing on you. Where's his fricken guilt???

Do it again - he's never stopped, are those actions of a man you want to spend your last days with - no.

He can continue to love and care for his children - he doesn't need to fuck with your life to do that.

FantasticButtocks Thu 25-Feb-16 17:35:59

I feel so guilty for breaking up an outwardly blissful family. Blissful? However, he has a problem with drink, drugs and rank online sex chat profiles. It's been constant. How can that have been 'blissful' for you OP, the mother in this family? 'Outwardly' is irrelevant about what other people think. But you know how it feels to be within this marriage.

Do I try and trust that he wont do it again What has changed that would make you 'trust' that he won't do it again? Because you've said this - I have caught him every time my instinct tells me to look. So, history tells you that he will do it again.

I don't know if I want to try and fix it again or how I can. You can't. You can't fix it. Because that would mean fixing him, and only he can do that and that seems unlikely. He'll do it again. It's who he is I think. Yes. You know. I'm sorry you are suffering from such self-doubt at the moment OP, the sheer anxiety of the situation has possibly contributed to that. I just really don't know what to do. I know for a fact I'd be telling any of my friends to get out You do know what to do, I think.

This sounds like absolute hell. The heading for your post says it all. Cant do it anymore You can't. You are right to stop this now. It is sad, but I'd stop putting your energies into thinking (doubting yourself) along these lines. I think you need to conserve your energy as you are going to need that for your break-up and, most importantly, for your recovery.

thanks

FantasticButtocks Thu 25-Feb-16 17:55:39

Because that would mean fixing him, and only he can do that and that seems unlikely. If he actually understands that, and does actually fix himself, a convoluted, difficult and lengthy process I'd have thought, then you can always have him back. But he won't fix himself while he's with you.

2flyforwifi2 Thu 25-Feb-16 18:43:58

I could have written this post!! Got rid of him just over a year ago. Im not going to lie its hard starting over! But well worth it. His was an on off? Cocaine addiction that dominated best part of the seven years we were together. It was hidden most of the time! what you need to get through your head is that DRUG ADDICTS LOVE DRUGS MORE THAN ANYONE OR ANYTHING! This includes you and the children. In the space of two months I found him on about ten dating profiles and a swinging site! The swinging site also detailed "meets" he had taken part in with a description from all concerned. Ie hed been to meet a man and his wife whilst somebody watched in the corner! His addiction had got that bad hed been approached by gay men on these sites! He was selling himself for coke! He covered all this up with a new "gumtree" addiction in which he would have to leave at 10pm to buy a tv otherwise he would miss out on the bargain! (Always happened to have sold the tv quickly for more money on the way home) I went through his car and found a notebook with all his passwords in!

Op this is his fault not yours! Ive no doubt in my mind that if the situation was reversed hed have left you a long time ago. Please leave him for you and your kids it wont get better and ignore the suicide threats when you do leave! they are bollocks. If I hadnt seen all of this in black and white I wouldnt have believed it!! Who knows what else your partner has done?? He probably doesnt even remember!! Leaving is not as bad as you think!

Morasssassafras Thu 25-Feb-16 20:25:13

He's devastated about having to live with the consequences of HIS actions.

This is his fault, not yours.

mumndad37 Thu 25-Feb-16 20:36:29

What Morasssassafras said ^ Just keep repeating this!
"He's devastated about having to live with the consequences of HIS actions."

bulldogclipster Fri 26-Feb-16 09:14:44

You sound as ready as you'll ever be OP. You know leaving him is the only way. Its going to be a tough road but YOU CAN DO IT. And when you do...you'll feel amazing, and you'll wonder what the fuck took you so long.

Keep posting here, it will be a lifeline for you. It was for me.

Good luck xxx

gustofwind Fri 26-Feb-16 17:03:32

thank you all so much, I hear you all. You are all right. Fantastic, you sound like my best mate. You are spot on with everything. Your point about having him back makes it an easier process now. But I don't think I will ever want him back. So much damage after all these years. I deserve so much better. My dcs deserve so much better.

We're not talking little irritating things are we? Fucking idiot man.

Morasssassafras - I'll use that. Amazing. Just cuts through all the crap.

2flyforawifi2 - flowers that sounds horrifying, well done for getting out.

Bulldog - I feel powerful but just so, so sad. I know he has done this. I know he has to leave.

He is making me feel like I am the one breaking up the family. How dare he do that, after everything else!?

Friendlystories Fri 26-Feb-16 18:30:40

He is making me feel like I am the one breaking up the family. How dare he do that, after everything else!?

Please don't take that guilt on board OP, his behaviour is breaking up the family, all you're doing is making him accountable for that behaviour. Basically he's deflecting his guilt onto you, don't let him do that, you're carrying enough weight because of what he's done already. Every time he attempts to make this your fault you need to remind him of all the things he has done, all the things he has refused to change which have led your family to this point. He had effectively left you with no choice, you have to protect yourself and DC from his drinking and drug use and the only person who should feel guilty for that is him.

DoreenLethal Fri 26-Feb-16 18:42:36

He tells me he had no idea that I meant what I was saying... for all of those years.

That is because deep down, you didn't mean what you were saying. Now that you do he has changed tactics to make you the person that is breaking up the family. He is trying to guilt you into letting him carry on by claiming it is your fault that the family is being broken up. Once you have decided that he is at long last telling the truth, it is all back to normal again.

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