Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Affluent sister about to marry younger DP who had EA 2 years ago

(95 Posts)
alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:02:56

Keen to get some outside perspective as my sister is potentially about to do something she may live to regret.

She has been with DP 5 years and is about to get married. She is late 40s, he is early 30s. She is a very high earner with assets, he is a recent high earner with no assets. They got together when he was not earning much.

2 years ago he had an EA (he confessed, but she also hired someone to find out the details after he confessed to ensure he was telling the truth) and there was a level of physical closeness with the OW, but it didn't get to sex. He conducted the EA in a fairly public way, knowing the risk of my sister finding out would be minimal. The EA lasted about 6 months and he discussed leaving my sister for the OW. He didn't leave, and they went NC. My understanding is that the OW is younger than him.

My sister's DP is a very attractive, intelligent and introverted man. None of us thought he would do something like this. He is very caring and can be a real gentleman.

I have found out through the grapevine that he is back in touch with the OW through a coincidence running into each other at a work function. This happened about a year ago (so 1 year after his EA), but it seems that they still have the occasional conversation when they bump into each other.

I want to tell my sister what I know, however I am concerned I may be reading too much into this. Is it really unreasonable to have expected him to remain completely NC with OW? Do people ever really maintain cordial friendships with OW after its all over?

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 15:09:23

This is a no brainer, surely? Tell your sister what you know. It's up to her to decide what to do with the information.

And I don't know what you mean by "physical closeness", but if there was anything at all physical, it was an affair.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 15:10:30

What led to his confession, btw? Did someone else find out and threaten to tell your sister if he didn't?

Pinkheart5915 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:14:47

Tell your sister what you've heard, then it's her information to do what she pleases with.

If she does end up married to him, you don't ever have to like him but you will have to accept its her life and as an adult has to make mistakes to learn from.

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:18:23

Ok, yes, I should have called it an affair. I tend to only use that word when sex is involved.

The events as I recall them were that I remember her phoning me saying he is behaving out of character. She became very alert. Soon after he asked for a conversation with her in which he began to confess. My sister cut him short and just asked if he had slept with the OW and he said no. She then hired external services to get the details and it would appear he was telling the truth at that point, but there was evidence he spent a significant time one evening at a residential location that was not his home or a hotel.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:19:51

I'm am curious to how an external source could prove if he and the ow had had sex?

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:19:55

I am just concerned I may push my sister away with this information. On the surface, it seems rather petty. Man sees woman he hasn't seen in a long while, they occasionally bump into each other and have catch ups.

BathtimeFunkster Thu 25-Feb-16 15:19:56

She's your sister. Tell her.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 15:21:11

So she "knows" they didn't have sex because... he said so. hmm

Well, if she's been a mug, it's not your problem. But you should tell her what you know.

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:21:54

Pinkheart, my sister never gave me the full details, but she has said written evidence between her DP and OW indicate there was no sex.

elflim Thu 25-Feb-16 15:22:46

You have no obligation to this man, but you do have one to your sister. The only reason you might not tell her is if there would be negative repercussions to your relationship with her, if you did.

If you frame this correctly to her, there shouldn't be.

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:22:52

I guess what I am looking for is reassurance. I don't want to hurt her, especially so close to the wedding.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 15:24:02

Cross post. You missed out a rather crucial part.
"Man sees woman he once had an affair with and hasn't seen in a long while, they occasionally bump into each other and have catch ups."
He supposedly went NC with the OW, which might have been one of your sister's conditions for staying together after the affair. Now it's clear that he isn't NC. That is a big deal. It would be for me, anyway not that I would have stayed with him in the first place.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 15:25:44

I realise that the wedding raises the stakes somewhat, but IMO I think it makes it even more important to tell your sister what you know. Imagine if you let her go ahead and marry him without telling her this! She might decide to marry him anyway, but at least it will be an informed decision.

When is the wedding?

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 15:28:46

Also.. "I don't want to hurt her"... You do realise he's the one who hurt her by having an affair? And if she feels hurt because he's back in touch with the OW, again it's him hurting her. Not you or anyone else who tells her about it.

Imagine your positions were switched. Would you want her to tell you? How would you feel if she did? What if she didn't and you found out later?

Pinkheart5915 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:29:50

Even if there really was no sex in the 6 month affair, he still spend time with the other woman and considered leaving your sister so he must of had a certain amount of feeling for the ow.

I say sit your sister down or go for a glass of wine and just say " I was talking to such and such the other day and they seem to think { boyfriend name} and the other ow are in contact" world it as well as you can as you don't want it to have a negative impact on your relationship.

AnyFucker Thu 25-Feb-16 15:31:03

I would tell her just that facts of what you know

I'm not sure I understand all the references to affluence and earnings though.

Pinkheart5915 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:31:26

If it was my sister I'd tell her as I'd want her to marry him with her eyes wide open

elflim Thu 25-Feb-16 15:32:02

Also, the manner of the contact is important, if he's unavoidably bumping into her and not doing anything more than the bare minimum to keep polite in a social setting, that's one thing. Anything else is another.

All you can do is sensitively relay what you know to your sister, and let her make the judgement about what to do with that information.

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:32:49

The wedding is in 5 weeks

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:33:27

You mean he walked past ow in the street and had a brief chat or are they meeting up?

The two things are different and the first one I would not bother mentioning

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:33:34

elfin, it's unavoidably bumping into her.

alloveragainandagain Thu 25-Feb-16 15:34:49

walking past each other in the street, stopping for a chat

Marchate Thu 25-Feb-16 15:37:27

Gold digger. Apart from the affair, he will probably give up work if they marry. And still see younger women

Tell your sister to listen to Lemon Haired Ladies. It will be on YouTube

elflim Thu 25-Feb-16 15:40:49

Hmmm.

I think this is touch and go, to be honest. You could make an argument that there's nothing in it, and you'd be causing strife over nothing.

On the other hand, no contact means no contact and was probably a key part of the reconciliation deal. If he unavoidably bumped into her, an embarrassed 'hi, sorry, got to go', is probably the right approach from him. But that kind of social rudeness doesn't come easily to Brits!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now