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paranoid personality disorder

(20 Posts)
PrisonercellblockH Thu 25-Feb-16 14:53:03

The more I read about this, the more it seems like XP.

"People with PPD are always on guard, believing that others are constantly trying to demean, harm, or threaten them. These generally unfounded beliefs, as well as their habits of blame and distrust, might interfere with their ability to form close relationships. People with this disorder:

- Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them
- Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them
- Are unforgiving and hold grudges
- Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly
- Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others
- Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate
- Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful
- Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous
- Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts and believe they are always right
- Have difficulty relaxing
-Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative"

Does anyone have any experience of dealing with this, particularly if kids are involved?

Marchate Thu 25-Feb-16 16:06:41

I know all PDs are a difficult diagnosis. I would avoid - for your own peace of mind - putting a label on his actions

Was he abusive in some way?

PrisonercellblockH Thu 25-Feb-16 19:40:59

Yes he was, and still is abusive.

Knowing that there is nothing that I could do to change the way he reacts is actually quite liberating.

Alphabetsy Thu 25-Feb-16 22:49:45

My mum sad

Marchate Thu 25-Feb-16 23:13:32

You can't change abusive people. They have to be prepared to change themselves, but they seldom want to

The list of symptoms would be taken in context with other aspects of a person's life before a psychiatrist could diagnose a PD. In the same way, victims of abuse display symptoms similar to depression. Once out of the relationship the 'depression' often disappears

Abusers do most of the things listed, whether or not they have a PD

Don't mess up your mind wondering if you could have changed him. That's the game abusers play. You come to believe if only you were different, better, kinder....he would stop being horrible. It never works

Think of your future and try to leave your unhappy past behind x

1DAD2KIDS Thu 25-Feb-16 23:42:12

All of these points sound like my ex wife. I think she had issues from her youth. Could never get her to seek help. Unfortunately it didn't end well. She left me and the children. I used to think that thats the way she was but reading what you put makes sense. She probably does have this disorder. Obviously I failed in dealing with it. I am not sure if you can unless the suffer is really willing to seek help. The house is a lot calmer without her and the kids are so much more settled and doing so much better. One thing I know is these people can be quite damaging to the mental wellbeing of those around them. I was completely gutted when she left. It's only months later I realise how she tried to turn me against my friends and family or the years. She was all the points you mentioned. I was completely devastated when she left because I love her with all my heart. It's only now I am starting to see as sad as it is her leaving has probably worked out best for me and the kids. I am repairing old bridges with friends lost because of her lies and hostility. I am rediscovering myself. I am making a new life for me and the kids. When she left all the drama and chaos left too. I had to accept she is just wired different to everyone else and I guess with hindsight maybe this was alway going to fail. Party my fault I did know she was like this to some extent when I married her but I love her all the same. I do still care about her and to some extent feel I still have a responsibility for her. I hope one day she sorts out her head. But it is over for us and the divorce should be compete soon. Its crazy she is still oblivious to pain and hurt she caused everyone.

lauraann137 Fri 26-Feb-16 01:07:57

Omg this is so my boyfriend!!! He thinks the world is out to get him, we went up town the other day I looked in the butchers window and apparently I'm eyeing the butcher up, if I ask him to go to the shop it apparently because I'm having someone round for a quickie he accuses me of my mouth tasting like another man!?!? And he reads WAY to much into things for example I took my kids to feed the ducks the other week and there was this really ugly funny looking one even my son said what's that mom lol anyway I'm telling my fella about it and apparently that hole conversation was me telling him that he is ugly and I don't find him sexy/attractive

Atenco Fri 26-Feb-16 02:20:30

lauraann137
I don't know if that is paranoia but it sounds so much like an ex-bf of my dd. Get rid fast.

LadyB49 Fri 26-Feb-16 02:36:58

My ex was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic two years into our marriage. The same month that my ds was born. He was a uni graduate but was unable to keep a job and most of the time we were on benefits. Home life was utterly miserable and I ended up on antidepressants. So much wanted to leave but told myself it wasn't his fault, he was ill.

At 22 years marriage I left..... for my own sanity. Best thing I ever did. After divorce ex dh still believed there was a future for us and stalked me. He eventually ended up permanently in closed psych ward from which he escaped a few times to find me. I found true peace when he died of natural causes, still in a psychiatric unit.

PrisonercellblockH Fri 26-Feb-16 05:59:20

Marchate, I have a child with this man, I see/speak/deal with him all the time. I was looking for some guidance/support to help manage him as best I can to minimise the impact on my dc.

Lauraann - I agree with atenco, seriously think if you can live like this (my ex would have done exactly that)

1dad 'oblivious to the pain and hurt' is exactly right. Hope you're all doing ok now

PrisonercellblockH Fri 26-Feb-16 06:26:43

LadyB, 22 years - you poor, poor thing. Hope you have the life you deserve now

1DAD2KIDS Fri 26-Feb-16 09:36:04

I am doing ok. The tourble is we are tied because of the kids and I suppose a certain amount of a feeling of duty to her even though I don't have romantic feeling for her any more. I did love her but now realise she can help the way she is and this is no good for me and the kids. In a way she is still my family but more he like an unstable sibling to me now. We talk every day. I don't really have any tips. I just deal with her. I take everything she says with a pinch of salt and do my best to include her without letting her crazy world affect mine. My biggest worry is not knowing what she will do in future and the effects that will have on me and the kids. She is unpredictable and her plans in life change almost daily.

But yer totally oblivious. She abused me, cheated on me, walked out on the kids, hurt all her family and mine. She talks and acts like everything is normal like nothing has happened. For some reason she is totally confused why her family and our friends don't want to talk to her. It's like she lives in another reality. But personally I don't hate her or see her as a monster. I am just trying to manage her for the best out come for all of us.

1DAD2KIDS Fri 26-Feb-16 09:38:54

Oh and blames everyone else (family etc) for what she did. No sense of her responsibility in all this.

Marchate Fri 26-Feb-16 09:47:10

I am so sorry if I came over as unhelpful. I do believe it is a waste of time looking for reasons/diagnoses for another person's unreasonable behaviour. Generally you are best advised to deal with the effects of the behaviour, not the cause. That's for the medics to decide

One thing you rob yourself of if you concentrate on his problems is finding peace for yourself and your child. PD or not, he is still controlling your mind. You need to learn how to detach and not participate in his mind games

I genuinely want to help you. Maybe I'm too old and cynical x

PrisonercellblockH Fri 26-Feb-16 10:12:59

It wasn't so much as unhelpful more that I don't know how to move on when he has such control (through child contact) over my/our lives. The abuse didn't end when I left.

Actually, I'd very much like to find a way to not concentrate on his problems so much - you're right he is still controlling us. At the moment I'm responding in a rational/reasonable way and it gets me nowhere. I really want to know how - practically - I can detach in a way that the court will understand/support.

Unlike the police/social care the family courts seem to care very little about victims of domestic abuse.

1DAD2KIDS Fri 26-Feb-16 10:20:21

Marchate is completely right in my opinion. But theory and practical application are not alway that easy to match. The important thing is to concentrate on you and the children's needs. When you have loved someone so deeply it's hard to write them off or detach yourself completely. Especially if your the sort of person who puts others first. For me I still have a guilt about giving up on her in my heart as stupid as it sounds. I suppose I sound like a complete mug. Of course with children involved they will always be a part of your life and that makes it harder to detach.

I suppose all I can say its time to concentrate on what you need now. As long as you still worry about them they still control you to a certain extent.

But easily said than done. I haven't managed it yet. And not sure it's entirely possible when you are tied by kids.

Marchate Fri 26-Feb-16 10:32:10

This is a good starting point. Scroll down to The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

I'm certain there is information on the Women's Aid website for people who have separated but are still 'stuck'

Read, read, and read more. Not about what's wrong with him - that's for him to solve. Even this forum will give you years worth of stories about Freedom from controlling partners, which can take a long, long time sadly

PrisonercellblockH Fri 26-Feb-16 13:35:41

This is where I think there is a lack of support/information.

Your links were really helpful Marchate when I was coming to terms with who he was, and for me to see very clearly what was going on.

But there's just this assumption that once you leave, that's it - over. And it's not. You go through all the stages, and then you get to court and suddenly you're right back in the middle (just living in separate houses). I've just come across this which says exactly the same: rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Picking_Up_the_Pieces_Report-2012l.pdf

I'm different to you 1Dad in that I have no emotional attachment to him at all any more. Other than anxiety/fear.

Marchate Fri 26-Feb-16 14:25:36

I have known two women who have been brutally hurt by their ex, but those men came over so well in court, they got the children! Obnoxious. I understand what you mean

Sadly, he will probably only give you peace when there is no longer anything to gain from messing with your mind

1DAD2KIDS Sat 27-Feb-16 01:39:11

We are in different boats. Although my ex was all those things described she is definitely in a lower league than yours on the trouble scale. I am sorry I can't give any advise. Hopefully some of the wise and experience people on here can help you find the answers. Best of luck and I hope one day you find a brighter future.

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