My partner is selfish and does nothing

[Mummypig1988]

Hi I'm new to mumsnet :) im feeling quite down at the moment, I'm 30 weeks pregnant but midwife thinks I'll go in a few weeks due to many complications etc. I already have a little girl of 22 months and I've been with my partner for 10 years. Recently I've started to realise how selfish he really is. I work full time, currently off on maternity leave, he is unemployed and doesn't receive anything, he expects me to give him money all the time and moans if I don't. He smokes weed (not around me he will go in the garden) and if he doesn't have any he takes it out on me, he gets really short tempered and being around him is like walking on egg shells, so then I feel like I have to give him money for it just for a bit of peace! He plays video games all day, I've been asking him to take some heavy bags out for days but I just ended up doing it, even though I'm struggling to walk with this pregnancy. I do everything for our little girl and I just know that I'm going to end up doing everything with the new baby. When I put our daughter to bed, all I want is to enjoy my night with him, eat junk food and watch telly.. But even then he's either on a game on the PlayStation or a game on his phone, I just feel really neglected, and if I confront him about it he acts like it's all my fault and I'm making an issue out of nothing. He says he goes on them because he's bored! I don't know what he expects me to do! Am I being silly? Just don't know what to do anymore, I'm even going in to give birth on my own because I don't want him there and he isn't even bothered.

[Annarose2014]

Sounds like you've got more kids than you realised.

[ImperialBlether]

What is the point of him? You would have a lot less hassle and a lot more money if he wasn't there. What would his reaction be if you told him he had to leave?

And btw if he's smoking weed every day, the chance of him getting a job is very, very slim. What time does he get up in the morning?

[YankNCock]

When you were working full time did he look after your daughter?

What exactly do you need him for?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

I would be now preparing for life without him in it at all. He is no partner to you and no father to his 22 month old DD either. He won't likely be much of a parent to your as yet unborn child.

Is this really what you want to be teaching your child about relationships, what is she learning here from the two of you. She is learning a lot of damaging lessons.

Why are you together at all?. He is an unemployed weed smoking lazy arsed manchild who sees you as a mug, cook, cleaner and bottle washer. Why isn't he working?. What does he bring into your relationship other than a lot of misery?.

What do you get out of this relationship now particularly as you are now going to bring another child into it?.

Are your own family and friends supportive; can and will they support you in leaving him?.

[Unhappyexpat]

There is absolutely no point in having him around
He doesn't contribute emotionally, financially or practically, he's lazy, he takes drugs around the children and he mooches off you.
Get rid.

[Mummypig1988]

I worked 12 hour shifts 3 days a week so he had her then, and he is good with her. But since I've finished work he's just gotten really lazy. I wish I could tell him to leave, but we rent the house and the tenancy is in his name.. even though I pay everything. So it would probably be me who had to leave, and I'd even feel guilt about that I'm just too soft :( he gets up around 9am and goes straight on his video games.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is not good with your DD because he is not good to you as her mother.

Why is your name not on the tenancy even though you pay everything?.

I think your own kindheartedness towards him here has proved to be your ultimate undoing because he has taken full advantage and used you for his own ends. You will also have to raise your relationship bar a lot higher in future as well, you have accepted all too little for a long time.

[wannabestressfree]

Oh come on mummy you need to sort this now..... why is he not working? Please stop giving him money for drugs. Have you got any other help? Family etc?
This will continue as long as you allow it to. It's no life for any of you.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Well, he wont change, why would he? He has it easy, so you will have to change the situation. Nobody here is going to say he sounds like a good Dad or partner, and no matter what we say you have to make up your own mind, 2 children and a dope smoking waste of space, the future is bleak with him, for you and the children.

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Oh my dear lord why have you got pregnant again?

Get rid now before your kids think it's actually ok for grown men to behave like this. Would you like it if your dd was with a guy like this?

Why do you expect so little for yourself?

Smoking weed every days kills what passion for life you have. Get rid

[CooPie10]

You are perfectly reasonAble to feel upset with this situation. Basically you have another child, how can you ever respect him as a man. So what is he doing about his job situation? I wouldn't accept a lazy layabout, doing nothing to prepare for the future.

[Owllady]

:(

[BlueEyesAndDarkChocolate]

You'd be better off (emotionally and financially), as a single mum. Only you know why you are putting up with such dire behaviour from a grown man. I wouldn't.

[mumgointhroughtorture]

I was with a weed smoker and it won't get any better. If anything it gets worse. He's set in his routine now , he doesn't need to work coz you enable him not to and I know how hard it is living with the mood swings and the arguments when they have no weed , the eggshells waiting for him to want more.
You need to get out now before you have 2 kids to move around. I feel for you but you need to think of yourself and especially your children because trust me he isn't gonna change whilst he doesn't have to .Good luck :)

[Whatdoidohelp]

Jesus Christ. Leave him. It will only get worse.

You aren't on the lease so when he doesn't pay the rent you won't be affected in anyway.

[Marchate]

Get your name on the tenancy then ask/tell him to go

If that doesn't work out, find your own place and leave him to pay his own rent, bills, child support, food...oh, and drugs

[Marchate]

Actually, go straight to my second suggestion. Get your own place x

[Jan45]

How many time are you going to post the same dilemma?

Same advice as before, LTB, same as what everyone else has already told you.

[Joysmum]

Tell him you're giving notice to the landlord. Spend to the landlord and ask for a new tenancy in your name only since he has no means to pay and you're the breadwinner. Shouldn't be a problem but best to chat about this in advance to make sure you're not about to make yourself homeless.

This assumes you're not married?

[Joysmum]

That's assumes you've tried everything and want to split up of course