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Is there something wrong with me? (sex related)

(33 Posts)
Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 11:42:02

The last few times I've had sex with men they've gone soft during it, and occasionally not been able to cum. I'm starting to feel really down about this, like it's something wrong with me, and it's really affecting my confidence.

I was with an ex for 9 years and this never happened with him. He would always been rock hard, and never seemed to struggle to cum. Since that relationship ended I start seeing someone who frequently went soft, and could only cum through stimulating themselves. They said that this was completely normal for them though so I just accepted it and it wasn't a problem. However, since then I had a one night stand, it was all good the first time, but the next day we started having sex and after a while they just went completely soft and didn't cum.Then this happened again with me with a different man last night aswell. What the hell's wrong with me?

I haven't got the best body in the world, bit of a mum tum, stretch marks etc, but I'm a size 10, alright face (I think). I'm quite confident in bed, but like being submissive so I usually let the men take control (which doesn't seem to be a problem). But could that be the reason? Could my vagina be too loose?

Please help, I'm loosing all my confidence and feel hideous. I don't really feel like having sex with anyone ever again because of the rejection.

It might be worth mentioning that all the guys had been drinking alot, and are users of other drugs like weed and coke. But still, if it was one person I'd think fair enough they have an issue and it's not a problem for me, id happily just accept it as part of our sexual relationship, but this keeps happening so it must be me. I feel so down about it.

VimFuego101 Thu 25-Feb-16 11:46:03

I don't think it's you - it's very common when men have been drinking. Also if they've been single for a while then they may have been masturbating regularly and become used to their own tight grip/ speed.

Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 11:49:34

Thanks vimfuego. That makes me feel a bit better I guess. But this is never talked about. Having been with my ex I guess I naievly believed that sex was pretty much always easy and men find it easy to cum. I guess not. I'm still a bit worried about sleeping with anyone again, I'm already quite ashamed of my body, my confidence is knocked

elflim Thu 25-Feb-16 12:26:55

Sex with new partners can be a bit nerve wracking for men, too. Combined with a condom (especially if they're coming from LTRs where they didn't wear one) it's not all that uncommon.

I'd wager it has absolutely nothing to do with you :-)

TheNaze73 Thu 25-Feb-16 12:49:30

elflm may have it with the condom issue. Despite what the media tell you, it isn't the same & could be the cause of this. A necessary evil I know. Without wanting to sound graphic or intrusive, has there been any issues finishing them off in other ways, when they've not been wearing one?

mudandmayhem01 Thu 25-Feb-16 12:53:50

Sounds like there might be something wrong with the men, to be honest! Drink and drugs being the common factor and are they thinking about your orgasm as much as you are thinking about theirs?

TealLove Thu 25-Feb-16 12:58:51

I think that is very unusual. I'm sure there's something wrong with the guys!

Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 13:16:43

This is going to sound bad but they weren't wearing condoms :/ I'm on the pill though.

It probably is something about me, I just can't figure out what. Probably my belly. I'm so unsexy. It just makes me feel terrible. Well one guy was sort of shouting "cum, cum" at me which didn't really help. I can struggle to orgasm sometimes, but always get really wet and I think they can tell I'm enjoying it.

One guy seemed more interested in making me cum than cumming himself, which is nice I guess, but I'd like to make them happy too.

With last night the guy was trying to get hard by masturbating but it wasn't working either.

ImperialBlether Thu 25-Feb-16 13:22:52

Arrghh what are you doing, having casual sex without a condom?!

FWIW I doubt many men who smoke weed are very good in bed. It'd be too much effort for them, wouldn't it? And coke? What are you thinking of, OP?

Whatdoidohelp Thu 25-Feb-16 13:27:46

You aren't the problem - the drink and drugs are.

Madlizzy Thu 25-Feb-16 13:29:45

Raise your standards, love, and next time you have sex with anyone, use a condom or you may find yourself with more than you bargained for in the form of hiv or hepatitis.

EcclefechanTart Thu 25-Feb-16 13:32:37

Crikey, you're having casual sex with drug users without a condom??? This is just a terrible idea.

Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 13:45:07

I know but realistically if even drug users with no condoms don't enjoy sex with me, then who else would want it? You are right though. Wish I didn't feel the need for male company at all sometimes.

mudandmayhem01 Thu 25-Feb-16 13:45:58

I assume these men are perfect Adonis's with no paunches or bald spots? I suspect your belly, which must be pretty small if you are a size 10. Can only super toned, skinny women enjoy sex and be appreciated by men?

AskingForAPal Thu 25-Feb-16 13:46:44

1) It's not your fault. I really don't think the naked body of a woman they've chosen to have sex with can really be any kind of a turn off, unless maybe you had a full torso tattoo of The Muppets or Justin Bieber's face depicted on each boob.

2) It's really, drearily common. More so as men get older.

3) I know, it can be a real confidence-puncture, but it's really them not you and they'll be feeling worse about it.

4) Condoms are really annoying but contracting herpes is MUCH MORE annoying. This happened to an ex of mine with a one-off encounter and it really plunged him into a depression for years. Not just the physical symptoms but the restrictions on his sex life.

Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 13:50:27

I didn't think so mudandmay. I knew my body wasn't perfect but didn't think it would be so much of a turn off that men physically couldn't have sex with me :/ that's why I'm so bummed out about this. My self esteem is non existent. I don't judge men on their appearance like that either, turn on is about chemistry and connection IMO, but maybe men are different?

elflim Thu 25-Feb-16 13:50:54

Look, leaving aside the risky sex thing (because you obviously feel bad enough about yourself that we probably shouldn't dwell on it) I really think you need to understand that this almost certainly has nothing to do with your objective attractiveness.

Men don't get into bed with women they don't find attractive.

It's almost certainly some combination of their inebriation, coupled with performance anxiety.

It's not you. Stop believing it was, you're not the issue. :-)

Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 13:52:09

Thanks asking, your post is very reassuring smile

firesidechat Thu 25-Feb-16 14:03:22

There are a couple of solutions that I can think of, but I don't imagine you will like them.

Pick men who don't do drugs or drink to excess.

Practice safe sex fgs! What are you thinking.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 14:05:07

Yes, there is something wrong with you. You have no/low self esteem and you are taking risks with your sexual health. Having casual sex without a condom is basically asking for an STI.

Alcohol and drugs affect sexual performance, it's obvious. But you're still insisting that the problem must be you. I think you need counselling to work on your self esteem.

Jan45 Thu 25-Feb-16 15:49:50

I'd lay off the ONS if I was you, you sound incredibly self conscious so they won't do your confidence any good, ONS are not as great as you imagine so not surprised they are going `soft`.

And stop blaming yourself, I bet none of them are Brad Pitt.

Itisbetternow Thu 25-Feb-16 15:57:26

I agree with others.

It is common especially as men get older, drink a lot or/take drugs;

However the issue is your low confidence. Drop men for a while. Go out and have fun with girlfriends or get fit or take up a hobby. Leave men alone for sometime. You will then feel better about yourself and not feel the need to link up with low quality men.

AskingForAPal Thu 25-Feb-16 16:30:52

I'm glad it helped a bit smile

While we're here, as other have said you sound very low, and that's why you're being upset by this piece of illogical thinking:

I know but realistically if even drug users with no condoms don't enjoy sex with me, then who else would want it?

Now I say this a lot, but I really think it's true:

You don't get the sex/friends/relationships you deserve, which is why nice people like you aren't necessarily getting nice sex with someone who treats you well. Instead you get the sex/friends/relationships you THINK you deserve. That's why you see scummy, aggro blokes who obviously haven't washed in days out with a beautiful, groomed to the nines girl on their arm. He thinks he deserves her, and sadly she thinks she only deserves him.

So in your case, you think you only deserve unsatisfying sex with drug users, without a condom - and right now this thread is you wondering how you can possibly lower the bar further, to the point you believe you deserve. Actually, you deserve enjoyable sex with decent people, in a context which is safe and feels comfortable, that won't leave you feeling so upset and full of doubt afterwards. It's out there, but instead of lowering your standards, you have to raise them. Have some self-respect and display it to others. flowers

Superhumancrew Thu 25-Feb-16 18:17:55

Thanks asking, your posts have cheered me up a bit, and helped me to see the situation in a different way. I do have low self esteem, I'm bulimic and have an alcohol problem, neither of which makes me feel very good about myself. I've been messed around by men alot recently as well and it hurts. Don't really want the stress of another relationship, but at the moment I crave attention and being looked after.

AnotherEmma Thu 25-Feb-16 18:33:10

Oh dear oh dear. Are you getting therapy? If not please do. Men (especially the type of men you're having sex with arm) are going to make this worse not better.

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