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What have i done wrong in life?

(34 Posts)
Janeyat867 Thu 25-Feb-16 08:25:19

Been with H for a year, before we married various things happened which I had forgiven, chatting to OW on FB i had no idea what the conversations were about but I just dismissed it as speaking to old friends, I then saw messages with little snippets left, ranging from things like 'why don't we speak anymore' to 'she might not be the one' not just to OW but his mates too. I put it down to work stress, we have always argued over his working too he was literally at work all day and night. I also found him looking at ridiculous amounts of porn just after we married, and looking at escorts, female,and trans. He said he was just looking, I was and still am lost by that. I recently found out 1 of those OW he chatted to is actually an escort I saw her on these sites he was on. After many upsets and arguments he never stopped looking at porn it was getting really out of hand as he never wanted me. Even now I've got no self confidence I hate my appearance. I feel at a loss because our relationship is terrible I can't forgive anything and I hold onto everything. How do I move on from this? As far as I know he hasn't spoken to any OW for years now...

MatildaTheCat Thu 25-Feb-16 08:48:49

Well from what you have written here you haven't done anything wrong. I'm a bit confused about the whys and wherefores of all this but the details probably don't matter.

He's a cheat.
He has written about you to other men and women?
You have a terrible relationship which has been the case for years?
You are unhappy. Very unhappy.

Have you talked to anyone? You sound very low. You must know you have options. It's commonplace on here to shout LTB and I'm loathe to say that after one short post but honestly, it is one of your options.

Lots of helpful posters on here can help you if that's what you want to do.

Can you do something today to help you feel better about yourself? Wear something you really like, put on some makeup, book a hair appointment. Something that gives value to you.

Keep posting. ( sorry to sound old but paragraphs do make it easier to follow)

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Feb-16 08:53:57

What you have done wrong is not set your boundaries properly.
You've let him piss all over them with no consequences.
You move on from this by kicking his sorry arse out.
He's eroded you self esteem massively.
He's really not worth all this crap.
You could have a lovely life with a wonderful man who loves and cherishes you.
It will never ever be with this man though.

Do yourself a massive favour and contact Womens Aid. Enrol on their Freedom Programme. This will help you spot red flags far sooner and allow you to set your boundaries and not let people over step them.

This man is a lying cheating scumbag and you deserve far far better.

iPost Thu 25-Feb-16 09:02:35

How do I move on from this?

Moving on is vastly over rated as an initial strategy for dealing with the curve balls life (and loves) throw at us.

If somebody fucked you over, prioritised what they wanted despite what it cost you and lied/cheated/deceived .... they are at the very least caperble of being an unthinking, uncaring, selfish wot not when they feel justified in doing so. "Moving on" from that can be a case of putting on blinkers and pretending you don't know what you know about them. Which leaves you vulnerable to more of the same hurt you have already suffered. And spending everyday feeling like your life is based on a big fat lie.

What, if any, attempts were made on your spouse's part in terms of rolling up sleeves and rebuilding your relationship from the ground up ? Or has it been a case of "let's leave sleeping dogs lie and sort of pretend it never happened" ?

The latter can lead to less of a sleeping dog, and more one that is rotting gently in the corner, stinking up what is left of your relationship.

I think in your shoes, something to consider moving on from is the onus you are putting on yourself to ... move on.

Confront the sleeping/rotting dog. To see which it is. Becuase you can't deal with something unless you have a very clear idea of what it is you need to deal with.

Sometimes, if the dog has gone zombie, ripping you apart on the inside to the extent that there are large chunks of how you felt about a person gone have to concede defeat and put the bugger down for everybody's sake. If that is the case it is no reflection on you as a human. Betrayal can be extremely hard to work through at the best of time, even with the best of shamefaced partners looking to make right as far as they can.

If the dog is just sleeping/in a coma, you might need professional help working through how you feel and how you want to proceed. Becuase from the sounds of things, this is not necessarily the freshest of wounds. And old, jagged scar tissue can be a bugger to scrape away on your own. But if it doesn't get scraped before stitching, the wound will never heal properly.

Be nice to yourself. You haven't failed as a human because you weren't able to spring back into your previous relationship mindset like a well trained whippet in the name of "moving on". You are just being a perfectly reasonable human, who has been badly hurt. Blaming yourself for not being able to will yourself into a forgiving "kiss kiss, all better now" stance, may well be acting like a bucketload of salt on a still weeping wound.

Janeyat867 Thu 25-Feb-16 12:00:03

Thanks for replies, I meant we have been married a year not been together a year. He has spoken about things says he doesn't know why he spoke to OW etc they were just friends also he says he's never talked about me to anyone. He has I've saw it but he still denies. He's adamant he's never cheated etc. he says we can't move on if I don't drop the past which I sort of understand but why do all this to me?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 25-Feb-16 12:02:51

Aha - he's using the 'shut the fuck up and put up with it' line

You KNOW what he's done.

Please google 'gaslighting abuse' I think it will open your eyes to the way he is.

It might be very useful for you to read the Lundy Bancroft book - why does he do that.

My ExH was 'adamant' he hadn't cheated. They all say this.

ILikeUranus Thu 25-Feb-16 12:15:05

Bullshit. He is full of crap and you know it, don't you! You can't move on unless you know the whole truth are reassured that he's truly sorry for it all and would never do it again. The problem there is that he's not sorry, he's not changed, he's not honest about what he's done, and there's no reason at all for you to think he won't do it again (if he's not still up to it right now). It's not going to work like this. Either you can pretend it's working, 'drop the past' and waste a few more years with him shagging people behind your back in all likelihood, until you have no self esteem left, or you can leave him and build your own self esteem and be happy without him.

Janeyat867 Thu 25-Feb-16 21:04:47

He will say he's sorry but has no explanation to anything. I told him I couldn't deal with anymore hurt and he said him neither?!?! Because I question him and act insecure! This will happen again won't it? It won't be long til he's messaging someone else or doing something else?

AnyFucker Thu 25-Feb-16 21:10:07

He already is, love

Write him off. He's not worth the ink you signed the marriage register with.

You have made a massive mistake to forgive his dodginess over and over and accept the most shit excuses for bad behaviour

Don't waste any more of your life

QuiteLikely5 Thu 25-Feb-16 21:16:36

You want to move on and so would lots of others but the fact is that you have been unable to.

I think that is very telling. The worst part is when you give them a chance but he still hasn't got the respect for you to tell you the truth and I fact denies things you know to be true.

This is causing you so much anxiety.

Love, trust & respect are crucial components to a relationship, there is a lack of these in your marriage so it is no wonder it's all going pear shaped.


Janeyat867 Thu 25-Feb-16 21:23:50

I wish I could just tell him to leave. I try, but he doesn't and I'm so down? I don't know what to do. Why do I Deserve this?

Openmindedmonkey Thu 25-Feb-16 22:05:57

It's not a question of deserving or not, that's not how life works! So don't waste your energy thinking that way; beating yourself up won't get you anywhere.
Work out what you actually want & then make it happen.
If you want to stay with him, decide your terms & talk with him - hard though that may be, it's the only way to achieve that outcome.
If you want to separate, then work out a plan & stick to that.
All so easy to say, I know, but trust me (I've been there) if you don't sort out your own life then he sure as hell he won't do it for you.
Best wishes flowers

Atenco Fri 26-Feb-16 02:49:23

You do not deserve this, of course you don't. People recommend the Freedom Programme and Women's Aid.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 26-Feb-16 08:43:57

You don't deserve it.
No-one does.
But you are putting up with it.
Time to take steps to find yourself again.
As I said in a PP the Freedom Programme would be a great start for you.

Janeyat867 Fri 26-Feb-16 15:11:44

He says I'm a horrible person because I'm stringing him along he just keeps saying I've never cheated etc etc but he has really hasn't he?

newname99 Fri 26-Feb-16 17:21:45

It's fine for you to find his behaviour unacceptable and not tolerable.You don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage.I wish I took this advice early on in my 1st relationship.

If you want to end the marriage you can, it won't be pain free but it will be much, much better than living with a man who betrays you.

You may have people close to you telling you that you should forget it, start afresh but they don't live your life.If your H doesn't accept his behaviour it's really likely to happen again.

You do deserve better.

springydaffs Fri 26-Feb-16 17:45:02

You poor thing.

He is so messing with your head. He makes our he's the hard done by one but he's having the life of Riley, doing what he likes, when he likes. What pisses him off is you won't let him.

If your self -esteem is in the basement you have to listen to that - it is the result of what he's doing to you. He's a nasty piece of shit and, guess what, he is never going to change.

Have you don't the Freedom Programme? He is abusing you.

Jan45 Fri 26-Feb-16 18:43:13

Life is what you make it, it has nothing to do with doing wrongs, it's about taking control and having a life you want.

Who'd want your life with him = nobody.

Time to be bold and get what you want, if you stay with him it will get worse, he already thinks you are accepting of his vile behaviour, you'd be far better starting again with a man who actually loves and respects you, instead of wasting your time on this loser.

By moving on, he wants you to brush it yet again under the carpet, until the next revelation, hardly the actions of a person that is in a committed relationship. No offence but as long as you continue to play victim, forgive and forget with no consequences, he has zero impotence to change anything. This is not a normal, happy, healthy relationship, you are deserving of that, we all are.

Janeyat867 Fri 26-Feb-16 21:28:38

Thank you for the replies, he's got a horrible obsession with porn it's really strange he would never admit it that he watches it though but it's as soon as I'm out. He really does make out like he's hard done by, I do look at his phone but if he had nothing to hide then he wouldn't blame me would he? I only look because he's done so fucking much. Im so alone then I get annoyed and then I get beyond upset. I suppose he must of liked the attention, which is usually the case but he says that's not him. I once saw he deleted texts to a girl at work and he lost it with me calling me disgusting saying she was only 15 and he was no paedophile! I never knew whether that was a cover up or she actually was 15. What am I doing with this man? He doesn't even like me half as much as he thinks does he? Sorry I overthink and overanalyse everything.......

springydaffs Fri 26-Feb-16 22:26:35

Oh just get rid! Easy to say, I appreciate that. But honestly op...

springydaffs Fri 26-Feb-16 22:30:55

You overthink and over analyse bcs he's messing with your head

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 26-Feb-16 22:44:10

Who cares what he's thinking or why he's doing what he does.

His behaviour makes you unhappy. And you can't change his behaviour. So, your choices are to stay and continue to be unhappy, or leave and seek the things and the people that do make you happy.

You can do this.

EllieJayJay Fri 26-Feb-16 22:56:51

Oh my goodness, this is just horrible for you OP.

I agree 100% with ricecrispy this man, one year into a marriage (and long before) is making you so very unhappy you need to leave X that's such a tough thing to do but you will feel so much better without this person

A very wise person told me many years ago when I was so helplessly unhappy in a relationship - if you will be 1% happier without him you should leave

And it took me a while, but I left at 32 and i was lost for a bit (the arsehole had done such a number on me) but now at 38 I am in the most loving relationship and have been for three years

To echo ricecrispy

You CAN do this

gleekster Fri 26-Feb-16 23:00:49

LTB. Gather up every last snippet of self esteem you have or have ever had. Remember the woman you used to be, or think of the woman you could be.
Just go.

ricketytickety Fri 26-Feb-16 23:07:30

It's not something you deserve. You might be acquainted with abusive people and that has lowered your expectations of what is acceptable.

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