I have a lot of resentment and dislike towards FIL and I hate the way DH is still afraid of him on a subconscious level.
FIL is an alcoholic who decided it was a good idea to start beating and kicking both his sons from an early age (DH says his earliest memory is being punched in the back because he broke a cup). He and his brother were pushed around on a daily basis whilst FIL drank.
Physical abuse is one thing. Mental and emotional abuse is another. FIL was a fan of all three.
DH was told constantly that he was ugly, unloveable, and stupid. He was told that he was a failure as a son. He was told that FIL was ashamed of him. He was told that he was a "destroyer" eg.clumsy and broke things a lot through nervousness, and that he was "cackhanded" and stupid.
FIL once shoved him against a wall and DH ran up to him, crying, and tried to cuddle him and said "stop, dad" and was rewarded with a drunken punch in the mouth.
DH's little sister was born and when she was 6 she was sexually abused by one of FIL's friends whilst he was passed out drunk upstairs and his little daughter was downstairs alone with his friends.
After FIL cheated on DH's mum, they divorced and DH went to live with his mum. He moved out when he was 17 and met me a short while later.
We've been married several years now and I love my husband so much. He has been through a horrible childhood and has some demons as a result but is a remarkably sane and loving husband despite his upbringing.
He once told me he hated his dad (especially for letting his sister being sexually abused as a child) but he also loves him and has never stopped hoping he will reciprocate that love.
FIL isn't bothered. We live in the same town as FIL and his new wife. Every time we bump into them FIL is cold and abrupt. He constantly talks about himself. Never asks how we are or how his son is.
He's racist and unpleasant to be around. The rare times he's been in our house he makes racist comments about news items or uses foul language. I've told him to stop but he doesn't.
He still openly sneers at DH and calls him clumsy, cackhanded etc.
DH says he's no longer afraid of his father but when they're together his shoulders hunch, he stares at his feet and he stammers and stutters. It's obvious to me that he is subconsciously afraid and he is totally regressing back to that frightened 10-year old.
My question is, I have so much resentment towards FIL. I've been crying writing this. I hate him for what he's done to my DH.
I want to confront him but what good would it do? I once bumped into FIL at the local pub and he bought me a pint. Over drinks he slurred that he knew he'd "been a shit father" and he wouldn't blame DH if he never forgave him.
Me and DH are very happy and very in love. But it seems that I have the main issue with his dad. I don't want him in our house or even our lives.
It's not my decision though,right?
Sorry for the bloody essay.
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Toxic FIL (long please bear with me)
17 replies
startingmylifeagain · 24/02/2016 16:54
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