Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Confused if It's me or him

(34 Posts)
Notgoodatall Tue 23-Feb-16 22:40:48

A week ago I gave birth, suffered a haemorrhage and had to go into theatre. Was a very frightening experience for us both. It's taken me a while to get back on my feet again and he has been cooking, cleaning, taking our other two to school etc. Things were fine but now he's complaining that he's having to do everything and says things like "live my life for a day" he is very snappy and behaving quite vile most of the time. Last three nights I've been reduced to tears... Tonight when I started crying because I confronted him about his behaviour he started saying "oh for go sake you're not crying are you". His behaviour reminds me of Kevin the teenager. Stomping around etc and he says I'm not empathising with how he feels. Even though I've said many times it's hard doing it all isn't it? And telling him how much I've appreciated what he's been doing.
I just feel like utter crap and I'm in bed once again in tears. This isn't right is it?

honeyroar Tue 23-Feb-16 22:44:44

Only a week since you went through all that and HE'S having a difficult time!! Jesus! Tell him next time he can go through what you went through and you'll do the housework if he thinks he's got it hard. And tell him he's a crap, unsupportive husband.

Vixxfacee Tue 23-Feb-16 22:45:33

Bastard. Definitely him.

Notgoodatall Tue 23-Feb-16 22:50:06

Totally. I haven't cooked since I got home. He bought some microwave meals from M&S. We sat together to eat them and he starts saying "oh wow finally some hot food" implying that he's totally hard done by because I haven't been able to cook for us. I actually called him an utter knob and he looked at me and said why are you making me feel like a bad person. What?!? I think he's not right in the head at the moment. His behaviour is odd. It's like he knows he being an arsehole but he can't stop himself

SoThatHappened Tue 23-Feb-16 22:50:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ilovelamp82 Tue 23-Feb-16 22:51:28

The exact same thing happened to me. I've always been an independent person and after 10 years together this was the first time I needed him and he was awful. It made me realise that I couldn't actually rely on him when the chips were down. I started to see him for the person that he was and not the person I was giving him credit for being or the potential to be. It was the beginning of the end for us.

I'm not saying that's the case for you. But I am most definitely saying that it's him, not you. If the situations were reversed would you act that way. No! It's him. Don't feel bad. Don't apologise. Say that you appreciate that he is pitching in as he's supposed to and that's it. That's what a partner does. And shouldn't make you feel bad for it.

I hope you get better soon and enjoy your new baby. Congratulations! And I hope he gets his act together.

NotnowNigel Tue 23-Feb-16 23:07:32

What an immature dick.

If I were you, I would say as he obviously can't cope like most men do and is feeling that it's all too much for him, you'd like him to and stay elsewhere so that you can ask someone who is up to the job - your dad, bro, mum, sis... whoever - - to come and look after you.

Actually, scrap just saying it. Do it. One week post-partum you really do need proper help.

He should be absolutely ashamed of himself. If you were my dd I'd wipe the bloody floor with him. angry

SoThatHappened Wed 24-Feb-16 00:12:25

I've always been an independent person and after 10 years together this was the first time I needed him and he was awful. It made me realise that I couldn't actually rely on him when the chips were down.

One of my exes once got annoyed when I was sick. I was sad when we broke up but I see now I dodged a bullet. This is how he'd be when you needed him.

bb888 Wed 24-Feb-16 00:20:43

The exact same thing happened to me. I've always been an independent person and after 10 years together this was the first time I needed him and he was awful. It made me realise that I couldn't actually rely on him when the chips were down. I started to see him for the person that he was and not the person I was giving him credit for being or the potential to be. It was the beginning of the end for us.

This was the same for me. Exactly. I stayed for a long time after (and he followed it up with many other examples), but when I track it back, that was when he first showed me that I couldn't count on him when I needed and it was the beginning of the end.

Monty27 Wed 24-Feb-16 00:51:28

I watched an ex 'caring' for his dm. It was such a selfish drama I outed. And that was his dm. Not me.

Selfish bastard basically.

houseeveryweekend Wed 24-Feb-16 01:05:00

Its definitely him!
Its only been a week since an incredibly traumatic thing happened to you!
I can understand it might be difficult for him if he had been used to you being very capable but that's something he should express in a better way not by shouting at you and adding to your problems! New babies put a lot of strain on relationships and bring out the worst in couples sometimes both of you need to be kind to each other. Just sit him down and have a chat with him about how you appreciate him and everything he does but you have been through a serious physical trauma and will be needing his support and for you to work together.
I had pnd after the birth of my son and I was AWFUL to be around for my partner. I cried 90% of each day telling him I wanted to die and I didn't want the baby. God knows how he managed to cope but he did everything in terms of looking after the baby and the house and working (I was also unable to walk or sit due to a bad infection in my episiotomy scar).
However at Christmas we nearly broke up with each other because we got so stressed with the lack of sleep. Its just easy when you are so shattered to end up resenting what you think the other partner has. You aren't thinking straight because you are so tired. Id be looking at him and getting jealous that he could just clear off to work and he was looking at me and getting jealous that I got to spend all day with the baby. We both thought the other one was getting the most sleep.
Sometimes you need to take a step back and remember that you love each other and cut each other some slack.
Obviously you cant do that on your own but I just think it takes a discussion where you both say how much you love each other and appreciate each other. Hes probably just very tired and so doesn't have the energy to think like an adult and like your romantic partner.
Im not saying his behaviour is ok but I think its a matter of reminding him that you are in it together and you do love each other. Its a very scary time for both of you and sometimes in the first weeks after having a baby its like you don't know who you and your partner are any more. xxxxx

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 24-Feb-16 01:10:56

How utterly vile.

You're a week on from a complicated, traumatic birth, which you're recovering from mentally and physically, and he's having a hard time because it involves him doing some extra housework?

Is he always such an arsehole, or is this just tiredness and worry getting on top of him? Not giving him excuses - he's being completely out of line.

Notgoodatall Wed 24-Feb-16 03:51:17

He's not tired because the baby sleeps and if he does wake up at night it's me awake not dh. He's just being an arsehole. I don't think he understands his behaviour.

Atenco Wed 24-Feb-16 05:52:21

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I had perfectly simple birth but my ex started fighting with me about something stupid ten days after and I was reduced to floods of tears.

Traditionally women were looked after for forty days after a birth and there is a reason for it.

rumred Wed 24-Feb-16 07:06:47

He's telling you who he is. Have you overlooked twatty behaviour in the past? Please don't put up with such awfulness. This isn't the behaviour of a person who respects you

Joysmum Wed 24-Feb-16 07:13:18

I'd turn things around on him. I'd say that if he'd had a major health complication there's no way on earth is be anything other than fully supportive and I'd not huff and puff about it and try to make him feel guilty or show gratitude! Then ask him what makes him feel that he can?

Tearsoffrustration Wed 24-Feb-16 07:22:29

My ex was so unsupportive after the birth of our DS - this was also after 10 years - that was the end for us

ilovelamp82 Wed 24-Feb-16 07:31:33

It's hard to get your head around because you love him and want things to work and you don't think the same way that he does. But he understands his behaviour just fine.

If he didn't after you explained it to him. He wouldn't continue to do it and make you cry. He would apologise and stop doing it. Don't take responsibility for his actions OP. That's what he wants you to do.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 24-Feb-16 07:49:36

It's been ONE WEEK since you GAVE BIRTH. With complications.

There is no way you should be lifting a finger, other than to care for your little one, while others take care of you. You birthed his baby and if he's not kissing the ground you walk on, he can fuck off, quite frankly.

Notgoodatall Wed 24-Feb-16 07:53:05

He came to me this morning and apologised for his behaviour. He said he feels traumatised by watching what I went through and he thought I was going to die. He thinks everything has just caught up with him and he was feeling really angry and upset about it. Stupidly taking it out on me over small things. Hoping this is the end of it now. I can actually understand where he is coming from, the birth was pretty horrendous and when I started haemorrhaging after there was a hysterical panic on the ward by the staff who later told me also that I could have died. Just want to put it past us and move on. Thanks for taking the time to write here x

HelenF35 Wed 24-Feb-16 07:54:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2ManySweets Wed 24-Feb-16 07:56:02

If you have NC'd and you are the poster from another thread who haemmoraged and consequently nearly died in labour then your "D"P should be glad he's just arranging dinner and not a funeral. Sorry to be so blunt but it's true.

If you are not, your DP needs to get with the programme sharpish. It's hard looking after someone previously so independent and even the most saintly of people may get a touch nippy, but his chat is beyond the pale and needs to be nipped in the bud.

Maybe mention the slashing and suturing of the balls as suggested by a PP?

HelenF35 Wed 24-Feb-16 07:56:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 24-Feb-16 07:58:49

So it's ok for him to take it out on you when he's upset?

Good luck with that, OP. Because he's going to be upset about a lot of other stuff, going forward. Life does not run smoothly for any of us, and if this is the reaction that he feels entitled to, and that you accept, then you're in for a difficult time.

Marchate Wed 24-Feb-16 08:19:05

He deals with his so-called trauma by shouting at you and huffing about the house? This is not a partner. This is a liability

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now