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pass by friend's boyfriend what to do?

(41 Posts)
SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 20:31:14

About a week ago I fell out/ended a friendship with a friend, it was a mixture of insensitive remarks from me and catty retaliation from her and maybe just generally we don't get on. I'm not sure how to proceed re extending an olive branch or not right now I think she wants to be friends at some point though.

There is another twist though, her on and off boyfriend for 7 years (they're forever breaking up and making up and now have apparently broken up for good!) made a pass at me when we were all out at a bar on NYE last year. I'd gone to get a bottle of cava, he came after I'd gone up to the bar to supposedly order more drinks and stood next to me at the bar but next thing I know I felt a hand squeeze my bum and I looked up and he turned to look at me and smirked at me. Couldn't have been anyone else do this to me and he was standing next to me and slightly behind me as bar was crowded. to be honest I had no idea what to say at the time or during the evening about the incident, I was toying with the idea of saying something then and there or later but I froze at the time (didn't want to cause a scene) and also thought what would I say and at the time I was also shocked I just looked away and avoided him for rest of the night.

I am currently single but on the whole happily so, in fact I was being set up with a friend of the boyfriend on NYE but he wasn't my type (we had met before) and in fact on NYE I was just having fun and not bothering about men, I'd also been seeing a man on and off myself since summer last year but not really serious for either of us and it ended end of January this year for good.

Thing is last time I saw her (Shrove Tuesday) she told me not long after they'd first met he went off with another woman saw the other woman for a few months and then got back with my friend - this was a long time before I knew either of them. He has been usually fine when we are all out but I know what happened on NYE. He is usually friendly but can verge on flirty. He often laughs/makes fun of his on/off GF (yes he's a charmer not). Our other friends say he's only there for the "good times" as he's never wanted them to move in together or have children (which she wanted) etc and one even said he's using her for sex. There is other stuff but not relevant to post here just he treats her badly.

Anyway I'm not sure our friendship would recover but what would you do, tell about the "pass" on NYE or leave it. It is really playing on my mind that if it ever came up that I didn't tell she'd be angry I didn't tell or let her know, but I don't know if she'd want to know anyway. I have another mutual friend who's a very close friend of the sort of ex friend who could maybe tell her rather than me telling her.

Thanks in advance.

SoThatHappened Tue 23-Feb-16 20:48:52

So he made a pass at you nearly two months ago.

You didnt tell your friend then.

But now you've fallen out only a week ago, you want to tell her?

Sounds like you want to dig the knife in now you've fallen out more than anything else to get back at her.

leave it.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:01:14

It was a bit tricky to tell my friend at the time or after. She's had quite a few life problems and I didn't want to make things worse.

I don't want to tell her now we have fallen out but it doesn't sit well with me. I've avoided him ever since we've had to be together at her birthday dinner in January but I was sat as far away as possible from him and didn't really speak to him apart from polite stuff.

But yes ok I'll leave it and not tell her.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:02:48

And to be honest I don't want to "dig the knife in" but I think she would see it as that way. I just want her to see him for what he is, which is obviously a lech when he can get away with it.

JemimaHighway Tue 23-Feb-16 21:08:56

so he made a pass at you nearly two months ago.

You didnt tell your friend then

But now you've fallen out only a week ago, you want to tell her?

sounds like you want to dig the knife in now you've fallen out more than anything else to get back at her.

^this. I was thinking exactly this

SoThatHappened Tue 23-Feb-16 21:11:23

First post you say:

About a week ago I fell out/ended a friendship with a friend, it was a mixture of insensitive remarks from me and catty retaliation from her and maybe just generally we don't get on.

Last post you say:

And to be honest I don't want to "dig the knife in" but I think she would see it as that way. I just want her to see him for what he is, which is obviously a lech when he can get away with it.

Both statements can't be correct. You made insensitive remarks that she retaliated to and yet you say you couldn't tell her about her bf because of her life problems? Her life problems didn't stop you being insensitive to her and falling out.

Stop shit stirring and leave her alone. A "friend" like you she can do without.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:12:48

Ok here's my other question then.

Suppose we become friends in the future and she either finds out he does this again or he does this again and I hear via a mutual friend. What do I do then? Confess and say "oh yeah it happened NYE time 2015 but I didn't tell you then and didn't tell you when we had a massive row".

I get I should have told her then and there or not long after. I get it looks malicious and catty to do so now.

QuiteLikely5 Tue 23-Feb-16 21:12:49

Don't tell her, keep a link to this thread in case it comes out in future BUT it was only a bum squeeze and you don't really know it was him so..............

Finola1step Tue 23-Feb-16 21:16:18

Keep quiet. If you tell her now, she won't believe you anyway. She will claim that you are lying to stir up trouble.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:17:38

SoThatHappened we are not close friends.

There have been occasions twice in the past where she's ripped the head off me and had a go (when there has been stuff she's overreacted to which I knew nothing about) and she had to subsequently apologise to me for.

Her life problems are her own and I've been nothing but supportive but it's been proved we didn't know each other well.

It was a mistake posting this here so I'll leave this for now. Didn't know it was like AIBU where you feel the need to rip into me here.

Cynara Tue 23-Feb-16 21:19:55

So he squeezed your bum, two months ago, nothing else happened..... you haven't felt the need to mention it up to now, but now you and your friend have fallen out it's suddenly preying on your mind. I see.

Leave it alone. It's a non-story. No good will come of this and to be honest it sounds like you're looking for an opportunity to make trouble. I'm sure that's not the case, but your friend might not see it that way.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:20:36

PS thanks to Quitelikely and Finola, I get I was catty, malicious etc when we had an argument (which was something and nothing) and it seems this way now... In fact I wish I'd told her quietly one night after NYE and not left it. There you go.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:25:02

Cynara what and how would I have told her before? Their relationship was rocky but I didn't want to be the one to cause yet another argument. Plus I was slightly pissed off that he made (and 99.9% sure it was him) a pass at me. I wish I'd tackled him about it that night to be honest. But I didn't. Plus to you its "squeezing my bum" but I was pissed off by it.

On the night I didn't feel I could bring it up (NYE) as it'd cause some god almighty row.

Anyway I'll leave this for now before like I say I get the boot kicked in even more.

BIWI Tue 23-Feb-16 21:27:14

Hmm. I'd suggest you all try growing up?

SoThatHappened Tue 23-Feb-16 21:28:35

and 99.9% sure it was him

Ah so now we aren't even 100% sure it was him? Dont say a word.

Their relationship is rocky, you are not friends, they will likely break up of their own accord without any help from you.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 21:32:50

Last time I post anything on relationships board where you tend to be a bunch of bitter vipers.

tealoveryum Tue 23-Feb-16 21:47:36

I wouldn't bother thinking about an olive branch, it doesn't sound like either of you get much out of this relationship. If you told her now then she would see you as vindictive and not believe you anyway, I'm sure he would convince her of that even if she wasn't sure and there would be no reconciling.

If you had told her at NYE, do you think she would have believed you?

BIWI Tue 23-Feb-16 21:56:32

Step away from the drama and just read the posts you've written.

Then, hopefully, you'll see that the posts here aren't 'bitter' but are more about telling you how silly all of this is?

PosieReturningParker Tue 23-Feb-16 21:59:36

If you've fallen out she'll think you're lying and being bitchy. To be fair I think your motives are questionable.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 22:04:21

tealoveryum she is a nice person but I think although we get on or got on, we're both quite fiery so I agree I don't think we do get on but I do think she wanted or wants to be friends. I don't think I can after what she's said and the jumping down my throat twice before also made me think twice about her as a friend, totally out of order but she was going through a tough time. I also tend to (but far better at it now) flare up and then calm down and be apologetic if I'm in the wrong.

Also there is the friend of ours (mutual) who we tended to socialise with. I think if I did have a friendship with her now it'd be a purely going out socialising one and nothing else as I have sadly been supportive but it's been thrown back in my face recently. She also feels I've misjudged her etc but not brought this up with me in past as I would have done.

I think if I'd told her at NYE she may have well believed me but she was very very drunk (almost legless) where rest of us were tipsy or only a bit drunk and they were arguing in our cab on the way home. She was in no fit state to have me tell her something about her boyfriend then and I didn't want to cause an argument then as it was a nice evening otherwise.

So yes I will keep quiet about this now and forevermore and hope I don't hear of it happening again but I don't think I will hear as we won't see each other again.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 23-Feb-16 22:07:39

Yes BIWI all this is silly I agree.

We are not supposed to be friends I think.

Posie yes I now think my motives are questionable too.

I'm going to leave this here. Thanks for all your help.

JohnThomas69 Wed 24-Feb-16 04:50:47

Jeezo. Going from 'not close friends' to what sounds like all out war in the space of a few posts, it sounds like you both dislike each other with a passion lol.
I have a friend like that. His names Archie. Archie enemie.

SuperFlyHigh Thu 25-Feb-16 14:01:24

johnthomas we were close friends or close enough however after her second 'having at go at me' I should've terminated the friendship then and there. She'd gone through life changes (her words) amazing how some can have a go and then apologise and think it's ok especially when they're in the wrong and hadn't told me the full story on both occasions.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 25-Feb-16 14:08:23

You can't really call people 'bitter' just because you don't like their opinion. It's not really justified, there's nothing bitter in any of the responses.

I think you would be right to just leave it especially as you are leaving the friendship also. It's not like it was some huge obvious come on that she might find out about, he may or may not have pinched your arse (obviously he's an utter dickhead and it's unacceptable if he did) but as you say you can't be 100% certain he did.

gobbynorthernbird Thu 25-Feb-16 14:20:13

He squeezed your bum. Possibly. That's not making a pass at you.

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