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GF angry that I was angry she stood me up....

(18 Posts)
Lifeisamarathon Tue 23-Feb-16 15:16:17

I dread writing this out but have nowhere really to go and am looking for some clearer insight as I recognize I'm feeling hurt atm and maybe not thinking rationally.
My gf and I have been together for almost ten months. We have had a wonderful relationship and I'm completely in love.
There have been a few quarrels and they have all been about not seeing each other or feeling sad when one is away. Nothing major.
However, when she goes with her family, she's different. They do not accept her sexual orientation so our relationship is hidden. They are super religious and in the past have done some very controlling and abusive things to my gf when she lived with a partner.
Her parents are looking to move to the same town my gf lives in, which is two hours away from their home of over 40 years. My gf says nothing about this and will "address boundaries when they move here." My gf and I spend Saturday's together. This past Saturday, her mother called last minute to say she was looking at property in town and said my gf didn't need to come but, of course, wanted her to come. So my gf agreed to go to showings and out to lunch. Fine, no big deal. Then very last minute, her mother calls and changes the time to later and my gf just agrees to it even though it meant our Saturday evening would be spoiled! I expected my gf would come over after supper but she calls two hours later to say she is meeting up with her brother. No consideration for my evening. When I said I felt angry about her dumping on our day/evening, she became ANGRY with me and said I smother her. I can't even reason her reaction and how unfair and cruel it seems. She completely changes when it comes to her family. I can't believe she is angry with me. I am really furious, confused and hurt about her reaction. After three days of little communication and her sticking to this feeling smothered all of the sudden, I'm starting to doubt myself. Was I wrong to feel angry and slighted? Was I wrong to bring it up? Am I wrong in feeling like this isn't really about me or anything I did?

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Tue 23-Feb-16 15:22:06

Her family came to town so she cancelled a regular date with you to see them. That's completely normal behaviour. I get that there are issues Witt her family but you were being unreasonable here. I'm also uneasy that you have argued a few times over not seeing each other or missing each other - are you smothering her/each other?

OurBlanche Tue 23-Feb-16 15:26:42

Well, no, you aren't being unreasonable, it isn't about you, personally. It is all about your OH and her family dynamic.

You know that life with her will always be this conflicted, her parents aren't going to change and she is showing that, despite their lack of acceptance she still needs them to approve.

When SIL came out (to me) my DHs response was 'OK. Do we get to meet the girlfriend officially now?'. Their DBs reaction was very angry disbelief, his DWs response was to slap me and berate me for telling such evil lies. Guess who SIL went NC with and who she determinedly stayed in touch with. She needs the other DBs acceptance so much she is still working hard at getting it, 30 years later.

Can you live like that? None of SILs partners have. They stay for a while then cite BIL and his wife as major factors in their having to leave.

Good luck getting your head round it xx

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Feb-16 15:51:23

Her family are moving closer.
They are controlling.
They will be in the picture a lot!
You need to understand whether this is something you can live with.
As you've probably seen heaps of MIL threads on here I would advise you to run for the hills before you get more and more hurt by her family and her actions.

ravenmum Tue 23-Feb-16 16:08:52

*There have been a few quarrels and they have all been about not seeing each other or feeling sad when one is away. Nothing major. ...
When I said I felt angry about her dumping on our day/evening, she became ANGRY with me and said I smother her. *
Sounds like this could be a continuation of your previous arguments? I can understand that you'd be hurt by her cancelling without saying anything, but is this basically the kind of thing you are always arguing about?

Bogeyface Tue 23-Feb-16 16:12:55

It comes down to the fact that as long as you are with her, you will be a dirty little secret. If you are happy with that then you need to accept that she will always drop you for them and you will never be her number 1 priority.

If you cant live like that (who could?) then you are better to end it now and find someone who will treat you as you treat them.

Lifeisamarathon Tue 23-Feb-16 16:35:48

Hmmm...this is the only thing we've argued about, ever. And mostly it isn't an argument per se, but it always seems to turn into one. Apparently, I cannot ever verbalize being sad or weepy when we are apart, which has only happened a handful of times, because it has resulted in an argument each time. It baffles me, honestly. I have always been more of a solitary person and prefer lots of alone time and never had any issues like this in relationships before. I've said to my exgf's before that I am sad when we are apart or have been disappointed when things were cancelled and all that ever came of it was what I feel are more appropriate responses like "yes, it stinks!" Not so at all with this relationship.
Her family has also been to town the last 4 weekends, out of the blue, in which my gf has taken off to meet them. I've not said or found that offensive or sad. The one night I did find it rude, I am being blamed for smothering? I can't grasp how that is smothering.
She is the one who comes to my house because I have children. She gets off of work, comes here and always says seeing me is the best part of her day. I don't understand the smothering bit.
I love being with her. I love when she comes for super and we spend an evening together talking. My heart beats a bit harder and I feel excited seeing her. I get disappointed sometimes when the evenings come to a close, sure. Sometimes I feel sad when she is gone for long periods and she verbalizes the same. The difference is, we never argue or fight when she verbalizes being sad or missing me. I don't take it as something awful or label it. It's just her feelings at that time as I expect my feelings are just that at whatever time, too.
These are incidences. We are often apart and there is never an issue. I enjoy alone time. I love hearing when she has a good time and enjoys time with her family or friends. I don't at all consider this relationship smothering.

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate them all.
OurBlanche, I had to reread twice but I think I got the gist of your post and I admit that is one of my fears. My gf is a wonderful, smart, caring, successful woman. When her family is around, she is different. Very different. Weepy. People pleasing. Passive. She says she feels like her true self with me and can't be her real self with them. She left a very loving relationship six years ago for her family to accept her back. She vowed never to allow them to control her or for her to be controlled or guilted again... Everything she says to me sounds logical and makes me feel guilty for feeling angry on Saturday yet I don't think it's all.....right. It doesn't feel right. Sigh.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Feb-16 16:43:38

we never argue or fight when she verbalizes being sad or missing me.

Because she doesnt feel guilty when she misses you.

She kicks off when you miss her, or when you tell her that it makes you feel like shit when she drops you are a moments notice, because she knows she is treating you badly and no one likes being called on that. She feels guilty but instead of addressing the issue, it morphs into anger at you, the person who is making her feel guilty instead of remorse at her behaviour.

I really dont think that this will end well for you. Sorry but I think leaving now would be the most sensible solution.

eyeslikebutterflies Tue 23-Feb-16 16:45:38

It sounds like she's deeply uneasy about her family and how her family makes her feel, desperately wants their approval and lashes out at you instead of being able to verbalise how conflicted the situation makes her feel.

When she's with you she can pretend it's all OK. When she's with her family she can pretend it's all ok. When you express how you feel when she prioritises her family over you, it's like two worlds colliding - she gets angry as it reveals that everything really isn't ok.

She's not being honest with you or herself, and that doesn't bode well, tbh.

(Sorry if this is way over the mark, it's just how it looks to an outsider)

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Feb-16 16:48:13

She didn't stand you up - her mother came to town and she decided to see her instead. In a normal adult relationship, the partner would say 'Oh cool, I'll see you on Sunday, have fun'.

This all seems very am dram.

OurBlanche Tue 23-Feb-16 16:58:34

Sorry, I was trying to keep it brief smile

SIL is still like that, in her 50s. She tries so hard to please the DB who thinks her entire adult life is a mistake that she has managed to make it true. She is an incredibly unhappy woman, one whose partners have said, specifically, that her relationship with her brother is the reason they are leaving.

It isn't the missed date, you know that. It is the sea change in her behaviour that is causing you so much pain. She is out, but subject to the weather, much like that Jane Horrocks film smile

Lifeisamarathon Tue 23-Feb-16 17:03:19

Listening to all of your thoughts and appreciate them...

DL...we don't see each other on Sunday's or Monday's, nor do we live together. And, I said that the 3 previous Saturdays.

Thanks again for the feedback....helps to sort out my thoughts vs. feelings.

pocketsaviour Tue 23-Feb-16 17:04:33

Apparently, I cannot ever verbalize being sad or weepy when we are apart, which has only happened a handful of times, because it has resulted in an argument each time.

This sounds like the result of abusive parenting in two ways:
1. Your GF has been taught that she is responsible for others' feelings. She will have been taught and shown, over and over, that her "causing" her parents to feel disappointed, sad or upset results in a withdrawal of what should be unconditional parental love. Thus when you say you feel sad, she panics and thinks you're going to withdraw your love, and lashes out.
2. She will also have been taught that she is not allowed to express (ideally not to ever have) negative emotions. She will have been punished as a child for any expression of anger or sadness, perhaps physically, perhaps "just" with the withdrawal of love or with verbal abuse.

Her relationship with her family is hugely dysfunctional and for as long as she continues seeking their acceptance by pretending to be something she is not, she will never be ready for an adult relationship.

ouryve Tue 23-Feb-16 17:19:25

Pocketsaviour got there first with what I was going to say.

Her parents sound very controlling.
This is compounded by the fact that when they are in the picture, she doesn't get to be gay. She compartmentalises to maintain their approval.
You are not welcome in her "with parents" compartment, so she will fiht to push you out of it again, if your feelings for her intrude on her complex feelings regarding her family.

Unfortunately, if her parents are going to move closer to you, I can't see how your relationship with your GF can work. She's always going to be in her mental "with parents" compartment and will not have room for you in that one.

Bogeyface Tue 23-Feb-16 17:43:34

Unfortunately, if her parents are going to move closer to you, I can't see how your relationship with your GF can work. She's always going to be in her mental "with parents" compartment and will not have room for you in that one.

I would correct that to "will not have room for any female partner in that one" which is very very sad for her and I think means that she will end up in the same situation as "ourblanche's" SIL sad

Lifeisamarathon Tue 23-Feb-16 19:16:35

Thank you all so very much for your responses. I'm happy I vented a bit as it's helped me sort out what I've been struggling to piece together.

Ironically, this morning I googled attributes of adult children controlled by their parents and she and her siblings fit almost all of it to a tee.

She is such a lovely person. I very much love her, probably the best relationship I've ever had in my life, my children adore her.

My heart certainly aches for what is apparently ahead. I know I can't make it better or change it for her as that's her journey in life. Perhaps her parents having lived far away this entire time helped make everything seem so normal and now that they are entering the picture....the reality and depth of their parent/child rlx is coming out. Such a sad mess. Heartbreaking and I know it probably sounds stupid but all the feedback comes as a bit of an ah-ha as well as an upsetting shock.

Well, thanks again for the responses. I really do appreciate it.

Cabrinha Tue 23-Feb-16 19:49:56

You have verbalised been weepy when you are apart? OK, a handful of times - but that's in just 10 months!
I do think the biggest issue is her hiding herself from her parents.
But I would find it smothering if my partner was weepy about us being apart.

0hCrepe Tue 23-Feb-16 20:25:05

She's being defensive because you made her feel guilty.

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