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I am not good at this mum thing.(9 Posts)
I don't know what a mum, is not really having had one myself. Now I find myself newly divorced with two teens and I've had enough. Really I'd like to hand them over to someone else & just leave. I only have enough in me to pull myself along never mind two kids as well. They're not bad kids but I feel like we're all at the same level now so how am I supposed to lead them? I didn't do uni or college & arranging that stuff is too much for me. It's all too difficult & I'm always exhausted. I feel like I need the mother. To be honest I'm not really even standing on my own two feet. I haven't got a job but have to find one. I've had enough of being a parent, I'm just not cut out for it. There's no way round this is there? I'm trapped for as long as the kids stay at home.
You sound quite depressed and lonely myself.
It IS hard being a parent of teens, let alone a single parent as they're not quite adults but not children anymore either. It's tough to find the balance between actively guiding them and supporting them to find their own way. I know I struggled with that. Thing is, we can't just quit being a parent when it gets a bit tough... I'm finding it quite difficult to get past some of the comments in your post but have you considered seeing your GP? Feeling of hopelessness, being trapped, exhausted, disconnect and withdrawl are all signs of depression. You say newly divorced, is their father involved in their lives?
You do sound overwhelmed and depressed I feel for you cos I´m married with one child and find that hard enough at times! I really would struggle as a single mother but I suppose in tough times we find strength and resilience from somewhere...
Do you have any friends or family for support? I also had no mother to speak of ( well I had a crap one I´m now NC with! ) so it´s much more difficult when we didn´t have a role model ourselves. I sort of just wing it!
You've got them to their teen years, happy, healthy, fed and watered with a roof over their heads so you can't be doing that badly.
Teens are hard work.
Do you have anyone around who can help you out?
Family or friends?
Their father is an aggressive bully, he has mental health issues. I have no family of my own apart from my dcs.
How did you manage until now? You must have done a halfway decent job esp with an abusive DH
Hey PM,right, firstly well done to you for getting away from an aggressive bully. If you have been with someone abusive like that it is no wonder that your confidence and self esteem are so low at the moment.
You are allowed to be unsure about the future and you are allowed to be depressed. That is understandable . Raising kids under normal circumstances is hard, many a time I have considered leaving mine in Sainsburys and running off! To get your to their teens, and through an abusive relationship and for them to have turned out "not bad" (your words), is a massive achievement, so again well done to you.
Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a bloody big pat on the back and a hug.
You will get through this,how ever hard it seems at the moment. As other posts have suggested you could contact your doctor to discuss possible depression. I know it sounds trite but exercise works for me when I am down too.
Consider the freedom course so you have a clearer idea of what you want from relationships in the future, and what to avoid. Is Gingerbread still going, they used to give great support for one parent families.
If you have no one to talk to in real life try the Samaritans. You don't have to be suicidal to contact them, you can ring them any time to rant or vent or generally just get things off your chest.
And if course you always have us here at MN. Hug for you x
I didn't go to uni or college either, but the school were a lot of help with explaining my DS's options. If you contact the school and just say flat out "I don't know anything about my child's options for further education - are there some leaflets I could read, or could I come in and talk to someone?" they will arrange something. How old are they?
You said your ex was an abusive bully and I wonder if he has been telling you for years that you're useless, that you would be lost without him, and criticising your parenting saying you always do the wrong thing? When someone has been telling you that for a long time, it's really hard to actually believe in your own self-worth. Especially with parenting, especially with parenting teens. The vast majority of us are making it up as we go along, you know! And we ALL make mistakes, so don't think just because you made the wrong decision on one thing, that it means you're a shit parent. Being able to say to your DC "You know what, I made a mistake on this, and I'm sorry" goes a hell of a long way.
This may not work for you, but do you know anybody who might take up something of an occasional mentor role for your children and help relieve some of the burden on you to come up with all of the answers. Friends, acquaintances, godparents etc. - it doesn't have to be family.
A personal example: I did a weekend gardening job for a childless couple who my parents met through friends of friends while I was in my teens, and got quite a lot out of my conversations with them while I was working for them. They were another adult influence, but not my parents, and gave me some different perspectives. Am still in touch with one of the couple 30 years on.
It wouldn't have to be associated with work for your children, but is there anyone around that you know who has got (for example) the university / college experience that you don't have who might be willing to provide that input? (And do you think your teens would be receptive to that.)
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