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Relationships

Husband has had affair & got her pregnant & so much more, what would you do?

56 replies

jigger · 31/12/2006 03:36

I could write such a long post but will try to keep it brief.

Found out on 28th that my husband of 7 years (been together 14 yrs in total) has had an affair for best part of 12 months. He works abroad & has a flat overseas, coming home every 2 weeks. The short version is "he finished it" and decided he wanted to be with me & told her so. She came round to his apartment a few weeks later apparently unsolicited and as a consequence they had sex one last time & she is now pregnant.

I never thought our marriage was perfect but I have always considered it to be pretty damn good. We have 2 children of 3 & 5. He has been my best friend for 14 years & even now, 2 days later, despite having cried my eyes out, acquired sleeping tablets, been to see our priest myself etc etc we can still sit down & talk.

But.....in 2 weeks he will go back to work overseas, she is in his office & whether or not they are together he will see her there with his child growing inside her. She has provided at least some form of companionship for 12 months. She does not want to get rid of it. How do I bear this cross? With the best will in the world this is going to be one hell of a year ahead. Do you just jack a marriage in just like that, we have such a huge shared history.

We haven't lived apart all that long. It is for work reasons. I lived overseas with him for 18 months & then came back 18 months ago as a) we thought he would be coming back soon & b) to get children into schools & settled. I was an expat child & did not want that for my family. However he managed all of 6 months alone without turning to someone else.

In addition to this.....I have never looked at another man in all these years. Been so pathetically faithful but without even trying. I did, however, at our work christmas party spend way too much time talking to a male colleague (i.e. until 3 in the morning) & had been thinking about him more than would be appropriate for a happily married person over the christmas period. Even though I didn't do anything I still felt guilty. It was so nice to talk to someone & to be found interesting as a female person if you know what I mean. Funnily enough living alone does that to you but I wouldn't have done anything (or at least I don't think I would have who knows). Funnily enough I have been talking to him a lot in the past couple of days & it is helping me to keep it together so very much. He has been divorced & is a little older so "knows the ropes" if you know what I mean. The daft thing is that,,,,if my husband knew, even at this innocence stage he would probably leave & never come back.

I could go on & on...What should I do. I am in my mid thirties & always figured that these were the years when both sides of the marriage worked hard, whether at work or bringing up the children. Funnily enough there isn't too much time for "us" & yes you guessed it, apart from the conception of the children our sex life hasn't been that great in recent years (& not at all in last 12 months but now I know why). I did always believe that he was the person I would grow old with. I was looking forward to all the things you can do together later in life when career & children don't dominate i.e. walking, learning to play golf, learning to dance you name it.

So much of what my husband & I both want out of life is the same. Both of us even said so tonight. But right now I just want to find a way to manage the next year together without things getting bitter & twisted & at the same time get to know this person at work better.

Madness I know. What would you say?

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mamama · 31/12/2006 03:46

Don't know what to say, I'm afraid.

{{hugs}}

I'm so sorry.