Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband has had affair & got her pregnant & so much more, what would you do?

(57 Posts)
jigger Sun 31-Dec-06 03:36:25

I could write such a long post but will try to keep it brief.

Found out on 28th that my husband of 7 years (been together 14 yrs in total) has had an affair for best part of 12 months. He works abroad & has a flat overseas, coming home every 2 weeks. The short version is "he finished it" and decided he wanted to be with me & told her so. She came round to his apartment a few weeks later apparently unsolicited and as a consequence they had sex one last time & she is now pregnant.

I never thought our marriage was perfect but I have always considered it to be pretty damn good. We have 2 children of 3 & 5. He has been my best friend for 14 years & even now, 2 days later, despite having cried my eyes out, acquired sleeping tablets, been to see our priest myself etc etc we can still sit down & talk.

But.....in 2 weeks he will go back to work overseas, she is in his office & whether or not they are together he will see her there with his child growing inside her. She has provided at least some form of companionship for 12 months. She does not want to get rid of it. How do I bear this cross? With the best will in the world this is going to be one hell of a year ahead. Do you just jack a marriage in just like that, we have such a huge shared history.

We haven't lived apart all that long. It is for work reasons. I lived overseas with him for 18 months & then came back 18 months ago as a) we thought he would be coming back soon & b) to get children into schools & settled. I was an expat child & did not want that for my family. However he managed all of 6 months alone without turning to someone else.

In addition to this.....I have never looked at another man in all these years. Been so pathetically faithful but without even trying. I did, however, at our work christmas party spend way too much time talking to a male colleague (i.e. until 3 in the morning) & had been thinking about him more than would be appropriate for a happily married person over the christmas period. Even though I didn't do anything I still felt guilty. It was so nice to talk to someone & to be found interesting as a female person if you know what I mean. Funnily enough living alone does that to you but I wouldn't have done anything (or at least I don't think I would have who knows). Funnily enough I have been talking to him a lot in the past couple of days & it is helping me to keep it together so very much. He has been divorced & is a little older so "knows the ropes" if you know what I mean. The daft thing is that,,,,if my husband knew, even at this innocence stage he would probably leave & never come back.

I could go on & on...What should I do. I am in my mid thirties & always figured that these were the years when both sides of the marriage worked hard, whether at work or bringing up the children. Funnily enough there isn't too much time for "us" & yes you guessed it, apart from the conception of the children our sex life hasn't been that great in recent years (& not at all in last 12 months but now I know why). I did always believe that he was the person I would grow old with. I was looking forward to all the things you can do together later in life when career & children don't dominate i.e. walking, learning to play golf, learning to dance you name it.

So much of what my husband & I both want out of life is the same. Both of us even said so tonight. But right now I just want to find a way to manage the next year together without things getting bitter & twisted & at the same time get to know this person at work better.

Madness I know. What would you say?

mamama Sun 31-Dec-06 03:46:35

Don't know what to say, I'm afraid.

{{hugs}}

I'm so sorry.

alilangsyne Sun 31-Dec-06 03:49:23

OMG. So much of what you write could be me and my H. I just have one piece of advice. He cannot work with her again. It will not be possible. The old feeling will be there. She'll be pregnant with his child. If you both want this to work he has to consider changing jobs. My H wouldn't/couldn't and guess what the affair didn't finish. No babies involved thank goodness. But please please don't beat yourself up. Be strong, and make him put you and your children first. If you want to chat off line. Email me on alisonsmits at gmail dot com.

mamama Sun 31-Dec-06 03:50:10

Just re-read you OP. Your story is really terrible. I really feel for you but the way it is written seems so matter of fact - are you ok? Is this something you think you can work out? Is your DH still planning on returning to the UK? Or will his working abroad continue?

Sorry, I'm still no help...

christmascarol3 Sun 31-Dec-06 03:51:26

I tryed to forget my ex dh's affair and there wasn't a baby involved. And in the end I couldn't it always niggled away in the back of my mind.
No advice, to give you need to come to your own conclutions.
so sorry your going through this
[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]

jigger Sun 31-Dec-06 04:07:49

You mention "matter of fact". That is one of the things I am wondering about too. Maybe I am in shock. Maybe I am not absolutely devastated because our marriage is based on the best friends bit & not the other bit. Maybe the fact that I am not going nuts is because I don't care as much as I thought I would. Maybe having lived apart & learnt to be self sufficient for work/logistical reasons it won't be such a great loss as if we had been living together like normal people do. He has been out of the house at work/commuting for an average 14 hours a day for years so have in some ways got used to my own company.

I've also had depression in the past (severe PND) after kiddy 1 plus another more minor bout about 12 months ago when I had been living alone for 6 mths. The answer to the second one was getting back to work & not being a full time mum (I work flexibly about 85% of the time now). As a consequence I have done the counselling, had the drugs etc etc & know how to equip myself to deal with crap. In addition financially I will be secure (funnily enough working all those hours does have its rewards).

Him being apart from us doesn't mean that he hasn't been there. We (the children & I & he) speak on the phone daily. Usually once with the kiddies & twice extra for me. In addition we talk about Daddy all the time. There is a 3 hour time difference which makes phone calls tricky.


I know he feels alone where he is, but an amount of his career choice is his own. He is certainly not unemployable in the UK its just the stature & level of income would not be the same here.

None of you mentioned the extra problem which is my urge to spend more time with this other person. Frankly I don't really feel like being strong & handling this all alone & he gives me confidence & makes me feel better (on the phone & by text so far). I will try to be sensible though & not rush into anything major.

I just want to find a way to make this all work. It will be a journey. And a very long & difficult one. My husband is/was my best friend & I do not want things to get all bitter & twisted. My parents divorced & I know what it can be like.

He was always such a good person. And still is except for this. I never believed this would actaully happen despite the obvious temptations. And now there is the pregnancy too. Did I mention that we were getting towards the point where we were thinking of having a 3rd. I feel as if he has stolen my 3rd child.

What a mess.

jigger Sun 31-Dec-06 04:10:45

Message to alilangsyne

Did you stay together?

DetentionGrrrl Sun 31-Dec-06 04:18:12

I haven't got 1st hand experience of this, but i'll say this: if she has his child, and if he is going to be a decent father to it, your family will always be connected to her- time wise, financially etc. Do you think you and your marriage could take that for the next 18years?

And if it were me, i would in the very least demand he came to work in UK permenently now.

What a rotton situation. You have my sincere sympathies.

DetentionGrrrl Sun 31-Dec-06 04:19:31

And for god sake, don't complicate things with an affair- not until you know for certain that your marriage is over.

alilangsyne Sun 31-Dec-06 04:22:40

We're still together, but sadly he doesn't want me anymore even though I forgave him the affair twice over . My situation is complicated, but that's not for public forum sorry. Luckily we're civilised and the boys aren't suffering too much I hope.

mamama Sun 31-Dec-06 04:25:20

I'm sorry that you feel he has stolen your 3rd child. But maybe you can work things out?

I do tend to agree with detentiongirl though on two counts:

1) seeing if he will move to the UK and put you and the DC above his job

2) about you not beginning an affair at this stage- it will only give you another thing to fret about & complicate things and, no matter how well you seem to be taking this at the moment, I'm sure you don't need an additional stress, even if it is tempting and may make you feel a bit better initially.

mamama Sun 31-Dec-06 04:26:25

I hope that didn't sound too harsh & bossy.

alilangsyne Sun 31-Dec-06 04:31:49

I'll just add that if he doesn't come home, you'll be constantly thinking has he really given her up is the affair over. Is he with her?? Believe me, I still do and friends on here and in RL can vouch for that. It'll eat you up and destroy whatever self-esteem you have left. Give him an ultimatum - move back to the UK or move out. He cannot treat you like this. None of us want to be harsh. I'm here for you to talk to whenever.

sunnywong Sun 31-Dec-06 05:02:53

wow, what a huge blow

Reading your posts, Jigger, it would seem to me that you are in a good place in terms of handling things. I agree that this chap you are thinking of will be a red herring and it's best to keep that to a minimum, although sure you do need someone to be nice to you atm.

IMHO, your dh can decide where to take you as a family. If he comes home to work then you will make it. If he doesn't then he has chosen a different life style for which he should take responsibility and not make you a character in the cast.

It really does seem as though the choice is his, I 'm afraid. You can handle yourself and take care of the usual obstacles that most women find insurmountable when faced with a put-up or ship-put situation.

Best of luck to you and stay strong

MomOnTheRun Sun 31-Dec-06 05:11:02

I'm sorry to hear your story. As he wants to be with you I'd agree with detentiongrrrl and get him to be based permanently in the UK. Only you will be able to tell whether he is genuine or not.

Regarding the colleague, you are very vulnerable so will be flattered when someone shows interest in you. Don't tell this guy about what is happening in your marriage. The last thing that you want is someone to take advantage of the situation. If you are lonely and want to talk, can you not turn to one of your close friends or family?

Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to see if you can really forgive. The wound is raw and painful. Don't jump into a relationship to get even. You are already feeling guilty although nothing has happened. You obviously want to hang onto your marriage or you wouldn't have thought of dh's reaction.

noddyholder Sun 31-Dec-06 08:21:40

It sounds to me like you have both been lonely and sought /are seeking companionship elsewhere.His has had devastating consequences as she is now pregnant but anything could happen with you and the guy from work too.That feeling that you get from your colleagues attention is probably the same as your dh has had from this woman at work.I agree with the others who say if your marriage is worth saving and you really love each other then he should come home and you should give it a go but even if he does this child will always be there and you will need to deal with that. Why do you want to get to know the guy at work better?

Freckle Sun 31-Dec-06 08:42:04

Is he totally certain that (a) she is pregnant and (b) the child is his? She may be desperate to hang on to him.

Perhaps the money in the UK is not as great as where he is, but you wouldn't have two sets of accommodation to finance, nor the fortnightly trips home and back. Could you do your finances and see how well off you would really be if he came back? You might be pleasantly surprised.

In your circumstances, I'm afraid returning to this country would be essential. Status in a job cannot take precedence over saving a marriage and keeping a family together.

If, however, you do decide that the marriage must end, you do at least already have fairly separate lives, so the practicalities will be pretty simple.

mummy2aaron Sun 31-Dec-06 09:18:37

I don't think it would be healthy to stay together if he goes back abroad, it would be torture for you whether it is finished with this woman or not. I think for the sake of your marriage he needs to finish the job - you and the children have to be more important.

pedilia Sun 31-Dec-06 09:27:58

I would agree, your DH needs to be based at home in the UK if you want to stay together, if he is genuine in wanting you and his family the that should not be a huge sacrifice to make.
He should be going all out to prove how much he watns you and is willing to prove it.

Agree with frckles- Is he sure she is pregnant and it is his child, he may be using this as one last attempt to keep him

Sorry your having to go through this and especially at his time of year.

SilentTerror Sun 31-Dec-06 09:43:59

God how awful. Of course he cannot work abroad,but I seriously doubt that you will get over this anyway.My first husband had numerous affairs in our mercifully brief time together,and although it was nearly 20 yrs ago now and I am since happily remarried with children it still has affected me greatly,so god knows how I would have managed if we were together.
I think subconciously you have already made a break in your relationship,he more than you.
Iam afraid I don't think there is any going back.Sorry to sound harsh,but I thought my world was over and yet my life was just about to begin.Good luck.

ludaloo Sun 31-Dec-06 10:00:49

I haven't read all the replies to your post so I apologies if I duplicate an answer.

The one thing that worries me is you say if your dh found out about you and your male friend...even at such an innocent stage he would be gone! Do you really think he would?
I feel so much for you....
It does seem that you are far more committed than he is?? I mean you are willing to think about forgiving this man for having an affair and getting her pregnant...yet he would not stick around if he found out you had been up til 3am just "chatting".

What a horrible situation You obviously have a good solid friendship with you dh...you do say you can still sit down and talk (but to be honest I am sure your dh is thrilled you are being so calm and diplomatic!)

If I were in your shoes, and my dh had done this (we have been together 11 years and have 3 children)I would want to forgive him, as I love him to bits....but if he had got her pregnant...well...I don't think I could.

It really is a tough one..poor you..your dh needs a good slap! I think he needs to know for sure if he is the father and that she really is pregnant (she could just be saying this??) Did he not think to use contraception!???? You'd of thought he'd of been as careful as possible really if he was playing away.

I hope you can work this all out! You are so brave! I think you are doing so well to be so calm and thoughtful of the whole thing!

JodieG1 Sun 31-Dec-06 10:44:34

I agree that your dh needs to be back working in the UK permanentely for things to work, he can't be working with that other woman imo. I don't think I could forgive my dh getting another woman pregnant, an affair I could probably get over but not a child. Also has he been tested for std's as they clearly weren't using a condom? I would want to be sure she was pregnant and that the baby was his but I would always be thinking that it if wasn't for that last time having sex that he wouldn't have gotten her pregnant and I think it would eat away at me and destroy the relationship. Only you can decide what's right for you and your life/family and I wish you all the best.

KentuckyFreudChicken Sun 31-Dec-06 11:22:31

Omg how terrible for you! Are you absolutely sure you want to try and work things out as you seem quite restrained about the situation?

I personally could perhaps forgive an affair but not if there was a pregnancy and pretty soon a child involved. The dynamics would be to painful to bear. I also know from experience in the past that being in a relationship with a man who has children from a previous relationship is incredibly difficult and involves alot of personal sacrifices. To do that with a child conceived during your marriage would be very hard and I personally would not even contemplate trying to make things work if this were the case.

I think you sound incredibly brave and strong, just put youself first and safeguard your own emotional health.

jigger Sun 31-Dec-06 11:44:26

Thank you all. Got a regular day to get on with here (kids/husband etc etc). But I will be back to talk again.

Thank you

jigger Sun 31-Dec-06 11:44:32

Thank you all. Got a regular day to get on with here (kids/husband etc etc). But I will be back to talk again.

Thank you

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now