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Is my husband abusive or is he having a breakdown?

(36 Posts)
Shroom1976 Tue 23-Feb-16 07:30:13

I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3, I have 3 sons from previous relationship and we have one daughter together who is 6. During the 10 years life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. My husband has provided a beautiful home for us all, and has given my 3 sons a good life, but he often brings up that he's had enough of the burden of paying for them. He has also had to deal with some very difficult financial situations which results in him getting stressed out which has had a serious effect on our relationship. When he's angry he says the most horrible things to me, name calling (I'm adopted and one of the things he uses against me in arguments is that I'm an adopted f....d up freak) he has no limit to the name calling, and even resorts to saying I don't love my children! I'm lazy, a slut, no wonder my ex had an affair, etc, the list is endless. After the arguments (with a day or 2 of ignoring him and staying out of his way) he would apologise and say he didn't mean it but what I have to realise is that he's under so much pressure and stress, and things just get on top of him. We don't have much of a sexual relationship as he isn't highly sexed and never gets aroused just by kissing/touching or even if im naked. However I know that he has looked at transgender porn in the past and this has obviously had a negative effect on how I feel about him sexually too. I don't look at his computer to see if he's still looking at this sort of porn, but I have my suspicions. For 3 years, we haven't had a massive bust up, but unfortunately his dad died suddenly in the middle of December and my husband was devastated with this shocking news which sent him into a very dark place. I was very patient with him and tried my best to support him and his mother through the pain, but 4 weeks ago on a Saturday he said that he will only be happy when he's dead and he meets his father again. So I firmly told him that his dad would not want him to think like that and that he had a family who loves him etc, and that he needed to carry on with life for the rest of the family. He reacted in a negative way towards me and said that I had no compassion. That night we had a big argument and he stormed off to the pub. The next morning he text me (I was sleeping in spare bedroom) and said he wanted a divorce and he wanted me to move out. So I came upstairs and said, ok yes I'll move out. He then started the Vile name calling and saying how I had no compassion for him. So I calmly said that the reason I had no compassion was because my feelings towards him have changed and I don't love him like I use to. With this he jumped out of bed, grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the bed with his whole body weight ontop of mine, head butting me and grinding his head into mine whilst strangling me. I thought I was going to die. I screamed and my 15 year old son came running up the stairs, so my husband stopped what he was doing. I called the police, he was arrested and has a one year community sentence with a restraining order. In the meantime he has been contacting me crying, saying how sorry he is, how devastated he is for doing this to me and that he is getting councilling as he believes it's happened as a result of a nervous breakdown. I know he is prone to depression, as past experiences have proven this, but what he is saying is that he wants us to go for councilling together and he really wants to "fix me" as he says its him who has done this, so it's his responsibility to make it better again. He wants me to lift the restraining order and start over again...... I'm so emotionally depleted and anxious. If I thought it was a genuine breakdown I would like to try and save my marriage, but if it's just plain and simple abuse, I know I have to leave. Please give your comments, I need impartial advice! X

LittleCandle Tue 23-Feb-16 07:36:52

You poor soul. Its abuse, pure and simple. Please do not lift the restraining order and don't go back to this man. He will never change and the fact he says he wants to 'fix' you says it all. It will be tough initially, but please respect yourself and get you and your DC out of this situation. They never change, no matter what they say. Please stay strong!

petalsandstars Tue 23-Feb-16 07:37:20

Yes he's abusive.
No to joint counselling.
Definitely keep the restraining order in place - is he breaching it by contacting you? If so report him for it!

Your 15 year old stopped him from killing you - you might not be so lucky next time.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp Tue 23-Feb-16 07:38:48

I'm sorry but he's abusive.... From your first paragraph onwards

Fishface77 Tue 23-Feb-16 07:41:35

It's abuse block his calls.
Ask yourself if your happier when he's not around.
Does he behave like this with others? For example if his boss "antagonised" him would he behave like this? Would he head butt him?

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Feb-16 07:47:39

There is nothing to rescue and or save here.

He is abusive and your children need to be shown better lessons about relationships. What have they learnt from the two of you here about relationships?.

A definite NO to any joint counselling (this is never recommended anyway where there is abuse within the relationship and NO to lifting the restraining order. That was not given to him at all lightly. I was also going to ask if he is now breaching the terms of this by contacting you at all, if so I would report this to the police and let them further deal with him.

He will never accept any responsibility for his actions; I note he has made comments to you about he wanting to fix you. There's another red flg right there. There are more than enough red flags here to make a long line of bunting.

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him as soon as you are able. I would also suggest that you now contact Womens Aid as they can help you re moving on and certainly enrol on their "Freedom" programme.

Skiptonlass Tue 23-Feb-16 07:47:47

He's crying because he's sorry for himself. He's lost his cosy home, housekeeper and punchbag.
Do not take him back - if you do he will escalate because he's got away with it. And frankly there's not much escalation needed from what he did to seriously injure or kill you or your sons.
You've shown your sons that violent behaviour is not tolerated and has consequences- that's a very positive thing.

springydaffs Tue 23-Feb-16 07:53:22

Well, bereavement can make people go properly nuts, properly lose the plot

BUT he's an abuser who has gone nuts with bereavement on top. So DOUBLY dangerous.

Don't lift any restraining order or relax your boundaries but tighten them up.

Dangerous guy.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 23-Feb-16 07:54:10

If he's calling you he's breaking the terms of his restraining order isn't he?

Report to the police.

He is abusive.

Do the freedom programme.

And whilst you have the space, sort out everything for a divorce and look into getting an occupation order for your house so you don't need to move out immediately.

He is extremely abusive

BathtimeFunkster Tue 23-Feb-16 07:59:37

Your 15 year old stopped him from killing you - you might not be so lucky next time.


You are not safe around this man.

The restraining order is to protect you from him because he is dangerous.

Shroom1976 Tue 23-Feb-16 08:04:39

Thank you for your comments, I suppose I was clinging to hope that there was a reason for his Bad behaviour. Can I just say one more thing. He came to the house the other day and he wasn't suppose to due to the restraining order. He said he wanted to tell me how sorry he was etc, and after talking to me about the reasons for his behaviour he asked me for sex and I said no way. He then said to me look I have an errection (which never ever happens just like that) and he said see I do fancy you!!!! Is this another sign of abuse? the more I learn about these weird ways the more focused I become.... I just want a normal happy life!!!!! 😞

Branleuse Tue 23-Feb-16 08:06:54

He was already abusive before whatever breakdown he might or might not have had, and he still blames you. You are NOT to blame for what he did and always does. You need to stay safe. He tried to kill you.

Secretlove Tue 23-Feb-16 08:08:20

He is going to get himself arrested if he comes to your home. Do not lift that order. Ime his behaviour will get worse before it gets better.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 23-Feb-16 08:08:43

Is this another sign of abuse?


He broke a restraining order to sexually harass you.

Of course it's abuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 23-Feb-16 08:12:43

"He came to the house the other day and he wasn't suppose to due to the restraining order. He said he wanted to tell me how sorry he was etc, and after talking to me about the reasons for his behaviour he asked me for sex and I said no way. He then said to me look I have an errection (which never ever happens just like that) and he said see I do fancy you!!!! Is this another sign of abuse".

Yes it is.

Abuse is about power and control; he still wants absolute over you and he is breaking the terms of his restraining order. He still sees you as a complete pushover and someone to boss around. You must report him to the police. I guess you have not done so to date but you need to be brave and not let him cower you or make you live in fear any longer.

The normal happy life you so want will only happen when you are fully rid of this person along with starting your own recovery from the abuse he has and continues to do.

kittybiscuits Tue 23-Feb-16 08:15:24

He is highly abusive. He broke a restraining order to sexually harrass you. No contact forever is the only way to go with this absolute bastard.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 23-Feb-16 08:16:10

The important thing at the moment is not whether he has had a breakdown or not, but whether he is still dangerous. The behaviour re coming to your house is seriously disturbed. He's broken a restraining order and thinks waving his willy at you is a good way to make things right. Er, not on this planet...

tingon Tue 23-Feb-16 08:19:41

I gasped out loud reading your post Shroom. Horrific.

Yes, he is abusive. The name calling alone is vile.

FusionChefGeoff Tue 23-Feb-16 08:22:12

God this is horrible and definitely abusive. Agree with the PP who said he's made worse by grief / depression / breakdown but all the other stuff is deeply disturbing on its own.

Well done for getting him arrested. Now stick with it and report him for breaking the restraining order.

Do not believe his lies - he is not sorry that he hurt you, he is sorry that he got caught and that he's lost his emotional punchbag.

The things he said to you in an apparently 'normal' argument that you say happened quite regularly are horrific and you don't need him back in your life.

MummaGiles Tue 23-Feb-16 08:24:00

He is an abuser. Report the contact to the police.

stumblymonkey Tue 23-Feb-16 08:24:15

The breakdown might be a contributing factor to why he did it however there is no excuse for his behaviour.

I've had two breakdowns including being in a psych hospital and have never, ever said the kind of things your husband has said to you let alone raised a hand to anyone else.

So yes, the breakdown is a factor of should be taken as an EXPLANATION not an EXCUSE.

Also...if he's capable of such violence when on the edge do you really want to risk being around him again? What if he feels on the edge again?

I'm afraid it's men like this that make the headlines when they snap and kill their wife/family and then themselves. Don't put yourself in a position where you could be at risk of this...let alone your children...

Madelinehatter Tue 23-Feb-16 08:26:14

Horrible. Phone Womens Aid helpline for some advice and to talk it through. You need some support.

Marchate Tue 23-Feb-16 08:27:29

He is very dangerous. Don't open the door to him. Block his number. He would kill, rape, assault you if he felt like it. Keep the police informed if you see him, even in the distance

You and your children won't have a normal, happy life if you're in a hospital bed - or a coffin

ilovelamp82 Tue 23-Feb-16 08:27:59

It is very abusive. You can't stay in that relationship for your sake and your kids. It won't get better. The violence might be an isolated incident at this stage but it won't be if you take him back. And the emotional abuse has obviously been going on for years. And these things escalate. He asked you for a divorce so you would tow the line and when you said you would leave rather than beg forgiveness and do what ever he wanted he had to up the ante by being violent.

He may be depressed but this is not an excuse. Do you know how many millions of people in the world are depressed? How many of them do you think headbutt and strangle the people they 'love'? No matter how depressed you were would you headbutt and strangle someone. No because you are not an abusive person.

Please steer clear and get on with you life. Every day will get slowly better and better.

And please read Lundy Bancrofts "Why does he do that?"

Well done for getting away and for showing your kids what is and isn't acceptable so that they can go on and have happy and healthy relationships in later life.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Be good to yourself.

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Feb-16 08:29:04

Yes he is an abuser. Please report that last sexual harassment episode.

I suspect he is trying to get the restraining order dropped so that he can get you out of the house.

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