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Do I tell his partner?

(80 Posts)
Conversation16 Tue 23-Feb-16 05:25:46

I have recently come out of a 9 month long affair with a man who was living with another woman. It ended with her telephoning me, telling me that she knew I was phoning him, that they were planning to get married and I should leave him alone.
In fact, we had been talking daily, and had met up, and slept together, several times.
On the phone I acknowledged that I had been phoning him, but nothing more. The relationship with him has ended.
I am now (and I realise that it's 9 months too late) wondering what the 'right' or 'best' thing to do is in relation to telling his partner. Is it helpful/ hurtful for her to know that he had been sleeping with me, and intensely involved with me, in light of their marriage plans (which I knew nothing about)? Is the least harm I can do just to back right away?
Not expecting any understanding for the relationship, and prepared (I think) for anything thrown at me, but also genuinely want to know if people think I should tell this women an important part of her partners very recent past.

iyamehooru Tue 23-Feb-16 06:22:49

I'd leave it. Let it go. If she's still going ahead with the marriage more fool her. He will cheat again.

TheNaze73 Tue 23-Feb-16 06:56:58


hereiamagain22 Tue 23-Feb-16 07:12:41

I usually think the victim of an affair should be told - but she already knows he's a cheat. Leave her alone.

One extra little comment for you - you seem to think an affair with a man who is living with someone is a lesser thing than an affair with a man who is getting married. It's not.

Katenka Tue 23-Feb-16 07:20:42

Usually I would say she needs to know.

But why do you want to tell her now it's over?

I am always suspicious of a OW who wants to tell the dp after the affair has ended. It's rarely for the good of the dp.

bb888 Tue 23-Feb-16 07:23:07

Its awkward isn't it - if she was in full possession of the facts she might make a different choice re marrying. You aren't in a good position to tell her though are you, as she already has a view on you.
Shame that there is probably no mileage here in appealing to and sense of honesty that he might have to do the right thing by her.

SooticaTheWitchesCat Tue 23-Feb-16 09:49:13

No, you would only be doing it to make yourself feel better.

You don't need to tell he anything, that is up to him. You are no longer involved so keep away from both of them.

And next time choose someone who is single.

iseenodust Tue 23-Feb-16 09:57:04

No. Why stir it up some more? You are but a bit part get over it.

Binders1 Tue 23-Feb-16 10:12:10

No. You shouldn't have gone there in the first place. It's over. Move on with someone who is single next time.

Also what hereiamagain22 said. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean they are free and available.

Joysmum Tue 23-Feb-16 10:12:43

If I was his girlfriend, I'd want to know so I could make an informed choice about whether to continue with him.

Whatever the introns of the OW in telling, the result would be the same, the girlfriend would be more suspicious and reevaluate her relationship. That's what's important, not you, not him, not the reasons. She needs to know.

VimFuego101 Tue 23-Feb-16 10:15:02

No, leave her alone. It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to get in contact again.

Joysmum Tue 23-Feb-16 10:18:26

So to all of those saying drop this, are you honestly saying that if you married a man and then found out he'd cheated on you, you'd say then that you were glad the OW didn't warn you and that her motives for warning you were more important than knowing?

Know owing is far more important to the wronged partner than the motives of those telling. I'm struggling to understand why anyone would think otherwise?

DoreenLethal Tue 23-Feb-16 10:20:42

She needs to know so that she can make an informed choice surely?

Floggingmolly Tue 23-Feb-16 10:21:37

Did you know he was in a relationship? If you did; then telling her now (when you couldn't have cared less before he ended it) is sheer spite.

OurBlanche Tue 23-Feb-16 10:22:13


Keeptrudging Tue 23-Feb-16 10:23:13

I think you have too much time on your hands to be still going over this 9 months on. Get over it, move on and try to make better choices.

OurBlanche Tue 23-Feb-16 10:23:23

Apoplgies, I kept getting Message Invalid. I was trying to post

Yes, ring her back and tell her. Sod what she, or anyone else thinks of you. You have information that she needs so that she can either go into the marriage with her eyes wide open or can make different choices.

The whole idea that you should not call her is odd. Why not? He isn't going to tell her the truth. He will be following the script that is so often discussed on MN. She will be able to believe him and, in 1, 10, 30 years she will wish she had known from the start. Or, she won't. She will deal with it, their relationship will be all the stronger for it (just like in the movies).

alltouchedout Tue 23-Feb-16 10:24:14

Did you have sex without a condom? I would definitely want the opportunity to visit a GUM and make sure I hadn't been exposed to sti's if DH had been shagging around. I think she has the right to know that her partner has been physically as well as emotionally unfaithful.

Don't kid yourself though. Telling her doesn't make anything better and you won't get (or deserve) a good response. You may not be believed. You won't be thanked.

OurBlanche Tue 23-Feb-16 10:24:14

Keeptrudging, the affair started 9 months ago and only recently finished!

NerrSnerr Tue 23-Feb-16 10:24:51

I think you should tell her so she can make an informed choice about her marriage and her sexual health. She might want to get pregnant soon and she could have caught anything from her cheating man. I would want to know if my fiancé was fucking around.

liberatedwine Tue 23-Feb-16 10:25:36

If I was getting married, I'd prefer to know that my future husband had been sharing body fluids with someone else - so that I could walk away with dignity.

Keeptrudging Tue 23-Feb-16 10:27:34

Ah, sorry - my mistake. I would still leave it though - it sounds like the partner knows he's a rat and is choosing to carry on. Personally, I would want to know, but given that they've already spoken, I'd leave it.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Tue 23-Feb-16 10:33:41

She does know, you won't be telling her anything new. If she's still with him and going through with the wedding, nothing you could say would change that.

stumblymonkey Tue 23-Feb-16 10:36:40

Personally I would tell her because I would want to know the full facts before committing to spending the rest of my life with someone.

Yes, of course often the motivation of the person telling is a mix of wanting to tell the DP the full facts and wanting to hurt the man in question be honest...I wouldn't give a shit about their motivation only having the truth.

Try and gather evidence together though before you tell her as he will almost certainly paint you to be a 'crazy woman' who is 'living in a fantasy world' because he stopped calling. You'll need some cold, hard evidence like screen shots of texts/phone records/dates, times and locations of meeting/things you'd only know if you'd slept with each other.

Curlywurly4 Tue 23-Feb-16 10:38:55

Yes I would tell her. I would want to know. She may be about to throw her life away on a cheating bastard. You could save her from years of misery.

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