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EA behaviour or am I over sensitive?

(61 Posts)
sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:08:03

I'm a SM with a 5yr old DD. I split from XP when she was 18months. He has supervised access (long story). I had MH issues, depression and anxiety at the time.
Anyhow I met my new partner a year ago. He had been divorced and had a 9yr old DS. He was fun, great social life, an extrovert. It became serious quite quickly. He told me he loved me (still does every day). Asked me to marry him etc
All going well... Until he moved in, lost his job and has turned into an douche bag.
I have financial difficulties of my own and cannot afford to support him or his DS. He is doing nothing to find a job. I have updated his cv, spend hours trawling for jobs and applying online as I am better than him (apparently) at technology. He spends his time trawling Facebook, doing hobbies and eating.
We had a massive row before Xmas over his expectation that I should do all the housework (I work full time) because it isn't his mess!!!! I threw him out and now I regret letting him back in.
He took it on board and does more around the house. He blames his low mood but I think he feels the tasks are women's work. He talks down to me at times.
Example - caught a heavy cold off him over the weekend spent two days feeling terrible. Accused of being a drama queen, I had it worse than you etc etc. Lost my temper with him, told him I was not happy with his lack of support. Later that night he apologised and suggested we looked for wedding venues at the weekend!!
He can be incredibly sweet with DD but berates me for being too soft with her.
Having been burned badly last time I'm testing the waters. Am I being over sensitive or is my gut right and this relationship bad news and potentially EA?
Sorry this is so long!

abbsismyhero Tue 23-Feb-16 00:10:12

you're not being over sensitive

Marchate Tue 23-Feb-16 00:11:59

EA. Definitely. You need to get rid of him before the 'good bits' blind you to the awful other times

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:21:49

Which is where I find myself over a barrel. He doesn't qualify for benefits and has no close family nearby. I would be making him homeless. I know it isn't my problem but I feel bad kicking out onto the streets.
He also downplays the issues and makes me feel slightly ridiculous and then is really sweet. All of which is making me uneasy confused

abbsismyhero Tue 23-Feb-16 00:31:30

everyone qualifies for benefits unless they have money already?

abbsismyhero Tue 23-Feb-16 00:32:28

and he doesn't need family nearby just family who would take you in in fact the further away the better

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:34:06

I own my own home so no I wouldn't leave. He doesn't qualify for jsa because he was self employed. He would get income based jsa if I kicked him out. I earn to much for him to claim while he is living with me.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 23-Feb-16 00:37:14

Is his ds living with himyou?

tallwivglasses Tue 23-Feb-16 00:39:17

EA and a cocklodger. Please don't waste any more of your life with this man. He can stay with a friend - he has a great social life hasn't he?

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:39:35

When I say self employed it was a contractual arrangement. He was basically employed by a firm as a contractor. He was unable to go it alone after the contract was finished. Hence no redundancy and not enough NI contributions to qualify for jsa. Prior to that he was unemployed for a year.

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:41:23

DS stays every other weekend and here three nights over half term. Also one night a week for tea. 9year old boys eat a lot!!!

Monty27 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:45:26

Pack his bags, tell him to do one, ask him how stupid he thinks you are, and just tell him to fuck the fuck off.

Sorry. I wouldn't tolerate it for a minute. He will bleed you dry emotionally and financially and go on to the next (if he can find another mug).

You are probably a lovely person that just doesn't deserve an asshole.

(Sorry ex-experienced)

Monty27 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:46:07

50 ways to chuck your lover...

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:47:01

I think I'm just really pissed off with myself. And having lived as a SM for some time wasn't sure if I was over reacting to someone in my space. Adjusting to living together etc.

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:49:19

I trust my gut though and it's far from happy.
He tells me he loves me all the time. I'm his world etc. IMO you prove that through deeds not words. His deeds don't match the slogan.

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:51:42

Monty27 "fuck the fuck off" made me laugh!

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 00:54:27

Anyone got 50 ways to avoid a wanker?
I'm upset though, been ghosting on here for a while. Read the EA threads and just thought oh shit that's us. So at least I'm not crazy! That's a plus.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 23-Feb-16 00:57:21

You threw him out at Christmas? Where did he stay until you let him back in, and how long was he away?

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 01:06:58

Ummm not very long, he was upset so was I. He went off in my car and came back later that night. Willing to talk things through, admitted he was in the wrong etc. I caved in not my finest hour blush

Marchate Tue 23-Feb-16 01:07:04

No, you're not crazy... Or at least no more crazy than the rest of us!

You are being used by an unpleasant waste of space. Claim back your life before it gets too tangled up with his

LeaLeander Tue 23-Feb-16 01:09:57

Yuck. Bin.

Monty27 Tue 23-Feb-16 01:12:03

Sarah, I'm an old mn-er. The fullness of 'fuck the fuck off' is 'and when you get there fuck off some more'.

You can't be doing this with some interloper. Just get rid.

I'm sorry for being so frank.

Tartyflette Tue 23-Feb-16 01:17:07

I too think he is using you, he's scared you're going to kick him out, which is why he tells you he loves you all the time and is temporarily contrite when he has overstepped the mark -- but he hasn't really changed, has he?

You regret taking him back and you can't afford to keep him and his DS.
It's as simple as that.

Aussiemum78 Tue 23-Feb-16 01:18:44

He's a waste of space. The sweet things he says to you get him a free home, free board, live in maid, babysitter and car. No wonder he can't be bothered looking for a job.

If he genuinely had financial issues he'd be doing everything he could to pay his way with housework and child minding.

Who does he expect will pay for the wedding? What then...does he own half your house too? Marriage won't fix this.

Kick him out.

Aussiemum78 Tue 23-Feb-16 01:19:49

His ds can stay with mum while he gets himself sorted. Don't feel guilty about that.

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