Backstory: My mother and father were extremely unhappy in their relationship throughout my childhood, they split when I was 7, mother fled to her sisters across the other side of the country claiming that he would never see me again unless they stayed together. Dad agreed for the sake of me, continued on unhappily ever after until I was 14.
Came home from school with my mum one day, dad had packed up, was leaving for a woman he'd met at work and that was that. My mother went mental, however initially let me see my dad on the proviso I was not to see the OW under any circumstances. She then found out they were expecting a baby, and contact was cut. I was told she would disown me if I saw him, the full emotional blackmail story.
I started to see my dad behind her back because I wanted to, but didn't tell her, I was 15, I didn't have much of a backbone. As time went by, I just negated to tell her, because I didn't want world war three over something that is frankly, not her fucking business! She's got form for being pretty spiteful and holding a long term grudge - she hasn't spoken to one of her sisters for over 20 years because of a minor insult (they didn't even speak at their other sisters funeral about 10 years ago). There's been other equal acts of behaviour throughout my life, usually ending in threats to kill herself such as I when DP and I moved into our first flat, and when I was apparently excluding her from helping us to move into our first bought house because DP's parents had travelled up to help us too - apparently this was unacceptable to her?
So cut to this evening when she rings me to say she's been Facebook stalking OW (who's now married to my dad and so, is therefore my step mum, and have a 12 yr old son together who is thus, my brother!) and knows I've been seeing them, and that she no longer has anything to live for as they've taken everything from her. She's started sending me texts saying how much I've hurt her, how it's disgusting that I've sent her a message to say happy birthday "mum" from me, my brother and my DP etc etc etc.
I'm not throwing it in her face, I'm not asking her to sit with them at a dinner party, I just want her to stop manipulating me and emotionally blackmailing me, and let me live my life.
So, I finally ask. I am being unreasonable to expect my mum to grow a pair and accept that I, as an adult can choose to see whoever I want, whenever I want?
Am I really such a horrible person for seeing my father? Or is my mum in fact, a narcissistic piece of work as I have suspected for quite a substantial portion of my life?
I'm so sorry this is so long... 13 years of repressed anger have just spilled out like typed verbal diarrhoea :-(
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Parents split for 13 years, apparently I shouldn't see my dad out of respect for my mum... WTF?
Orangesox · 22/02/2016 22:39
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Tell her he may have stopped being her husband, but he hasn't stopped being your father. Your relationship with your father and step family is not up for discussion.
I completely get it as well. My mother took no responsibility for her awful relationship with my dad, just used my sister and I as emotional toilets / marriage counsellors since I was about 11 
She's still with my dad but I rarely see either of them - I couldn't cope with being drawn into their drama any more.
Your mother is an adult and needs to take responsibility for her own happiness. It is not down to you to make her happy. She is being totally unreasonable. Well done for standing up to her - I know its really not easy.
I'm so sorry you are unwell and having to go through this as well. Please get some professional counselling and step away from guilt concerning your mother. She can only wreck your wedding if you allow her to. Establish some boundaries and stick to them.
If you work within the NHS you may be able to access counselling via OH. I hope your father and fiancé will also be there for you. You mum has big issues and will be unlikely to change on the basis of an email from you. She will regard it as yet another act of betrayal yada yada. Best let her get on with it and you get on with living a happier and more balanced life than she as managed.
Best wishes to you.
'If she needs to speak to someone about it, then it should be a professional, not me'
Absolutely right OP. This is not something you should be expected to deal with.
Well done for taking steps towards counselling. It will be a painful process but you're in pain right now anyway. Seeking professional support was definitely the beginning of moving towards the light and starting to slowly let go of the guilt. Good luck and take care of yourself. Feeling wobbly and fragile is completely normal and to be expected. This stuff hurts 
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