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How do I do this in the right way

(12 Posts)
Redlipstickismyarmour Mon 22-Feb-16 18:34:26

Long time lurker, looking for some wisdom. Apologies in advance for the long post.

Been with my husband for 12 years, married for 9. 2nd marriage for both of us, he has children from his first marriage.

There have been some tough times, issues with health, his family etc but we've managed to get through them and have 2 beautiful children, 11 and 6. We have a comfortable lifestyle, no money worries.

DH has never been diagnosed but has some mild anxiety issues and his glass is always half empty. He can also be an angry type of person, never aggressive and I've never been frightened of him, he can just be a bit shouty with me and the children. I'm quite a positive person and have really tried to keep us on track. And when I've spoken about the shouty type of behaviour he has been mortified as he hasn't realised he has been doing it.

After a lot of ups and downs, I've started to feel exhausted with our marriage. I spoke to DH over Christmas and explained how i was feeling, and he has tried so hard to listen to my concerns and act on them. You can see how much of an effort he has been making and there have been so many improvements.

The problem is that I think it's too late, the love has died from my side, despite my best efforts to keep things going and his fantastic efforts to show me how much I mean to him.

I've tried almost everything, time alone, lots of affection, our sex life has always been good but I've been doing lots more initiating and been much more adventurous. We've been getting on great and on paper all looks good, but I'm just not in love with him any more.

I planned to tell him this week but there have been a few hiccups

- we've had 2 issues where he hasn't been able to perform over the weekend (it happened for a few months a couple of years ago). He feels horribly embarrassed and really upset.

- because he feels horribly embarrassed and upset he has been making an extra effort today including making me a really lovely meal

- It's the anniversary of his dad's death this week and he is always upset about it.

I really don't want to hurt him, as a family member I still love him dearly just not as a husband. 2 questions from me....

Anything else I can try to make things work? We have good communication so I don't think counselling would be a huge help but happy to be corrected.

If not, how do I do this without hurting him more than I need to.

Advice welcomed. I feel so sad :-(

Thesmallthings Mon 22-Feb-16 19:49:05

How sad for all off you, by the sounds of it, you want to be in love with him? In which case I would try couple councling, and if that doesn't help the councling will help splitting up easier. It sounds like he is trying hard do would he be open to councling?

Redlipstickismyarmour Mon 22-Feb-16 20:18:32

I definitely do want to be in love with him, I just can't see how things will change. He is doing all the right things, we both are, but my feelings don't seem to be changing.

I don't hate him at all, there is no anger, just real sadness. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. It's more of a family love than a husband type of love.

I think he'd try counselling to see if it will work, I just hope it doesn't make it harder for him. I don't want to play the blame game about the past but it will inevitably come up as its part of what's brought us to this point.

RandomMess Mon 22-Feb-16 20:26:22

Over how long did it take your attraction/desire for him to decline/die??

I reckon it will take that long for it to come back if it makes sense?

My dh and I are trying again after he let me down emotionally over a number of years, then there were the years in limbo afterwards. My feelings towards him are changing but it is taking every such a long time I guess in part because I'm scared of being fully vulnerable and getting hurt again, as well as still being angry etc.

Perhaps in counselling you will be able to be brutally honest and actually either move forward or decide to separate.

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Mon 22-Feb-16 20:28:26

This is more common than you want to believe OP.
In fact it is very common indeed.

Thesmallthings Mon 22-Feb-16 20:33:54

. I don't want to play the blame game about the past but it will inevitably come up as its part of what's brought us to this point.

I don't think this would be such a bad thing, being able to talk with a third party and officially getting it out may benifit, as I imagine there's still anger and resentment there, no matter how hard you are trying to over come it.

Also how long has it been that he's trying, I would imagine it'd take a while to get back to where you want to.

Redlipstickismyarmour Mon 22-Feb-16 20:37:17

Random, I'm not sure if I'm honest. I'm very much a practical person so I've just been getting on with things and trying my best with iOS and downs and sharing my views etc until one day I just realised I didn't want to do it any more.

I'm early 40s and the thought that this is it for me fills me with despair. And that's so selfish, I have a nice lifestyle and a husband really trying hard but the feelings just aren't there despite my best efforts. Maybe counselling will help.

Silver fox, I'm not sure if that's depressing or reassuring to know we're not alone. But it's not great if others haven't managed to find an answer.

RandomMess Mon 22-Feb-16 20:45:01

I would say you have nothing to lose by finding a GOOD couples therapist that you both click with.

Either it works or it doesn't but you can separate knowing that you both tried your hardest to resolve it.

I suppose it was only when I told DH I was leaving that something really changed about him committing to trying to change the issue that was causing the behaviour I didn't like IYSWIM? So it wouldn't be about your DH being less shouty but about dealing with anxiety and the fact he is negative and actually being prepared to try and change his core way of looking at life?

Redlipstickismyarmour Mon 22-Feb-16 20:53:51

Thanks Random, that's really helpful. As you say, at least we'll know we've given it our best shot and hopefully it will bring us back together.

RandomMess Mon 22-Feb-16 20:59:37

The advice given to me was to ring around a few therapists (I wouldn't use someone who is only a trained counsellor - look as therapists through I think it's BCAP??) and speak to them about why you want therapy as a couple and see who you "click" with.

Fortunately we found someone recommended to me who knew a lot of my background and what we're both like so she was a good match.

Redlipstickismyarmour Mon 22-Feb-16 21:43:58

Thanks thesmallthings, for some reason your post has only just shown. It's been 2 months of continuous effort with no change in my feelings. Not sure how long is long enough but I agree trying a discussion is the right answer.

RandomMess Mon 22-Feb-16 21:51:12

2 months is a very short period of time! Dh are nearly 2 years down the road and it's still 3 steps forward and 2 back at times. I don't regret trying though I am far, far, far from the days when I just "couldn't do it anymore"

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