Another porn story

[Bubblegum28]

Ok so I know this has been done before but I just need to get it off my chest. Went to use dh phone yesterday as mine was dead and discovered he had been watching porn. This has happened once before and when I asked him about it he blamed his nephew and said it must of been him. This was in my early pregnancy and he knew I didn't like it, he promised it wasn't him and he wasn't like that. I really thought he wasn't but there's no blaming his nephew this time as they haven't seen each other for months. I'm now 7 months pregnant and feeling very insecure about myself and my body, and knowing my other half is getting off looking at other perfectly shaped women really really upsets me I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't want an argument and I know a lot of people have different views on this but I for one do not think you should have to watch porn if you have a perfectly good relationship at home. Am I over reacting? It's not just that it makes me look at him in a while new light and at the moment I can't even bare him touching me

[TheNaze73]

I personally think there's nothing wrong with it, not my cup of tea but, each to their own. The deceit though & blaming his nephew is wrong however

[Angieyy1]

I have no problem with it, I'm open minded and will watch it myself but I know everyone is different... I'd prefer my partner to be honest with me and not lie about it .... But id be honest from the start of the relationship and tell them it didint bother me

[blinder]

I found that the repeated use of porn, and the repeated lying about it, and the lack of actual sex in my relationship eventually destroyed my feelings for my ex, so I get how horrible you are feeling OP. It's such a turn off to feel unwanted, especially in comparison to other (fake, unreal, physically different) women. Meh.

[Bubblegum28]

Thanks blinder I'm glad im not the only one that feels like this

[david8341]

If this is a huge issue for you then good luck being happy with any man ever because they all do it at some point.

It has absolutely no bearing on how he feels about you and whether or not he fancies you.

[slug]

Thanks for that total dismissal of a woman's real, lived experience Dave.

[ricketytickety]

No, they don't all do it.

[RedMapleLeaf]

No, not everyone watches porn.

[allegretto]

I would feel the same as you. There is no way I would feel like sleeping with dh if he watched porn.

[TheNaze73]

david8341 I'd say the vast majority rather than all. Most of my female friends watch it as well.

[Roseberrry]

Well they don't all do it but sadly the vast majority do, you'd be very naive to think otherwise.

It doesn't really matter what we think of it though op, it's what you think that matters. I used to hate it but the older I've got the more I've come to terms with it. I don't love it but I know he has very vanilla taste so it's not as bad as it could be.

The lying is the worst part for me. I'd rather someone was honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me.

[blinder]

Not every man uses porn to get off, Dave.

And maybe it does have a bearing on how she feels about him, and whether she fancies him, which is, you know, quite important too?

[LobsterQuadrille]

I'm female and watch it sometimes and it has absolutely no bearing on any relationship I am in. I'd also have a bit of an issue with someone telling me that I couldn't - although if it really upset someone and I cared enough about them, I suppose I would stop.

[Jan45]

No not all men use porn to get off, some actually are not that interested in it.

You haver every right to have an issues with it as well as his lying - I think any man in a happy sexual relationship using porn regularly clearly has some kind of addiction - I mean most of it's absolute garbage anyway - he knows how you feel, he's not 12 so to not view it shouldn't be an issue, unless of course he can't stop.

[ricketytickety]

It also makes a difference as to type and frequency. Whether he considers himself addicted. If it affects your sex life because he is unable to make love and sees sex as functional etc.

[stinkysnowbear]

Not every man does.

DP doesn't. Not because I've a problem with it, he just doesn't really get it.

[Cabrinha]

Current boyfriend isn't interested in it, at all. Not his thing.
Most other boyfriends have been occasional users, but not all.
XH was a regular user when he could find time between fucking prostitutes and had the limited imagination and death grip to match.

I think many people who weren't generally easy liars would be embarrassed or wanting to avoid a row and blame someone else. I could forgive that once. But I'd need to be able to have an honest conversation now. Not "don't watch porn again, dealbreaker" (although you can make that choice)

But more "this is how it makes me feel, I'm pregnant and..."

A couple who choose to have a baby together, should also be able to have a conversation about this.

[AnyFucker]

Well, as is often the case, it's the lying and the thinking you are stupid that is the issue here.

And any man who has to lie to his partner so he doesn't get nagged about his porn use needs to grow a fucking pair, to be quite honest

Everybody has a right to know if their dealbreakers are being broken, whether you are a porn fan or not.

[pocketsaviour]

"It must have been my nephew" is now going down in the same notebook as "The dog ate my homework" and "A big boy did it and ran away".

[AnyFucker]

Arf

[zippey]

Its a bit unfair to try and shut the argument with that "a man has arrived" poster - this is mumsnet forums and everyone is allowed to voice their opinion, surely a male opinion is as valid as a females? Sometimes it's good to have a different pointvif view. You can say he/ she is wrong, without resorting to that kind of tactic.

I don't think all men use porn, but most will have seen it, and a significant proportion use it. I'm sure it's a similar situation with women. They have as much as lack of imagination as those who read books or watch movies, or television.

Also isn't this a control issue? Masterbation could well be something he likes doing, maybe like a hobby, and porn is part of that. As long as his hobby doesn't take over his life, stop him from being intimate with others, then I'd say it's ok. There probably isn't much sex at the moment so it's probably a realease for him.

I don't think you are over reacting though. You feelings are your own and many people have a problem with masterbation and porn. Lying is a side issue too, though folks don't usually like to talk about sexual matters and often deflect when confronted. Him hiding this is a way to spare your feelings I guess.

Not sure what the solution is but good luck anyway OP.

[sarahlou75]

OP my XP also used porn whilst I was pregnant. I caught him at it having fallen asleep on the sofa after Sunday lunch. I woke up to find him in another room wanking over the computer. It was horrible. I felt betrayed. He didn't come near me when I was pregnant it didn't 'do it' for him. He didn't come near me after our DD arrived even when I'd stopped BF.
Porn for him became an obsession. It destroyed our relationship and led him to a MH breakdown because he ended up watching some dubious sites. I found porn hidden all over the house when I chucked him out. In shoe boxes, behind furniture, in the fucking attic!
I understand that for many men it is a harmless release. But for me it's a deal breaker. It destroyed my respect for him and has had long term effects on his relationship with DD.
It was hidden, I was lied to and it hurt. A lot. I hope that this doesn't happen to you. I hope it is an occasional thing for him and can understand how it makes you feel and stop.

[slug]

Nope zippey. He came onto a thread where a woman was upset and basically told her to suck it up because all men do this. Put up and shut up was the gist of the post.

[Bubblegum28]

Thanks everyone for your comments, you've made me feel alot better still haven't had the discussion, but it needs to be addressed. I have no idea how often or how much he does it, whether it's been since the pregnancy or the whole 4 years of our relationship and to the man that wrote we probably ain't doing it as much now, well yes it is a bit harder with a giant bump in the way, along with all the other pregnancy symptoms (which I will not get into..!!)

[obilisk2016]

Another male perspective.
Bubblegum, firstly wishing you happiness with your expected baby and sorry your husband felt it necessary to deceive you. There are two things going on here, maybe more.

Body image was a major issue for my dw when she was pregnant, and she is not alone in that, I have to say I was absolutely entranced with our baby bump and "unattractiveness" did not figure at all. I was however banned from the bedroom metaphorically not literally. I have no pictures of her from that time as she felt "fat" many years later that still saddens me. I am sure you look adorable complete with bump.

Porn. Wrong to say all men do it but most do, some a lot some a little but nearly always secretly, maybe the male perspective is discretely. I guess we believe the women do it willingly, or hope they do, I'm not sure how we justify the exceptions - with some difficulty. I suggest that compared with an affair, or paying for sex it is the least worst option of dealing with desire/lust or whatever we call it.

If you confront him I hope he has the balls to admit it and that you are able to discuss feelings and mutual needs. Truly hope you can get it sorted and move on happily