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Another porn story

(72 Posts)
Bubblegum28 Mon 22-Feb-16 11:45:31

Ok so I know this has been done before but I just need to get it off my chest. Went to use dh phone yesterday as mine was dead and discovered he had been watching porn. This has happened once before and when I asked him about it he blamed his nephew and said it must of been him. This was in my early pregnancy and he knew I didn't like it, he promised it wasn't him and he wasn't like that. I really thought he wasn't but there's no blaming his nephew this time as they haven't seen each other for months. I'm now 7 months pregnant and feeling very insecure about myself and my body, and knowing my other half is getting off looking at other perfectly shaped women really really upsets me sad I haven't said anything to him yet as I don't want an argument and I know a lot of people have different views on this but I for one do not think you should have to watch porn if you have a perfectly good relationship at home. Am I over reacting? It's not just that it makes me look at him in a while new light and at the moment I can't even bare him touching me

TheNaze73 Mon 22-Feb-16 11:53:15

I personally think there's nothing wrong with it, not my cup of tea but, each to their own. The deceit though & blaming his nephew is wrong however

Angieyy1 Mon 22-Feb-16 11:58:23

I have no problem with it, I'm open minded and will watch it myself but I know everyone is different... I'd prefer my partner to be honest with me and not lie about it .... But id be honest from the start of the relationship and tell them it didint bother me

blinder Mon 22-Feb-16 12:07:40

I found that the repeated use of porn, and the repeated lying about it, and the lack of actual sex in my relationship eventually destroyed my feelings for my ex, so I get how horrible you are feeling OP. It's such a turn off to feel unwanted, especially in comparison to other (fake, unreal, physically different) women. Meh.

Bubblegum28 Mon 22-Feb-16 12:47:50

Thanks blinder I'm glad im not the only one that feels like this smile

david8341 Mon 22-Feb-16 13:28:03

If this is a huge issue for you then good luck being happy with any man ever because they all do it at some point.

It has absolutely no bearing on how he feels about you and whether or not he fancies you.

slug Mon 22-Feb-16 13:43:12

Thanks for that total dismissal of a woman's real, lived experience Dave.

ricketytickety Mon 22-Feb-16 13:49:07

No, they don't all do it.

RedMapleLeaf Mon 22-Feb-16 13:49:58

No, not everyone watches porn.

allegretto Mon 22-Feb-16 13:53:20

I would feel the same as you. There is no way I would feel like sleeping with dh if he watched porn.

TheNaze73 Mon 22-Feb-16 13:59:07

david8341 I'd say the vast majority rather than all. Most of my female friends watch it as well.

Roseberrry Mon 22-Feb-16 14:00:40

Well they don't all do it but sadly the vast majority do, you'd be very naive to think otherwise.

It doesn't really matter what we think of it though op, it's what you think that matters. I used to hate it but the older I've got the more I've come to terms with it. I don't love it but I know he has very vanilla taste so it's not as bad as it could be.

The lying is the worst part for me. I'd rather someone was honest and hurt my feelings than lie to me.

blinder Mon 22-Feb-16 14:05:09

Not every man uses porn to get off, Dave.

And maybe it does have a bearing on how she feels about him, and whether she fancies him, which is, you know, quite important too?

LobsterQuadrille Mon 22-Feb-16 14:05:47

I'm female and watch it sometimes and it has absolutely no bearing on any relationship I am in. I'd also have a bit of an issue with someone telling me that I couldn't - although if it really upset someone and I cared enough about them, I suppose I would stop.

Jan45 Mon 22-Feb-16 14:15:01

No not all men use porn to get off, some actually are not that interested in it.

You haver every right to have an issues with it as well as his lying - I think any man in a happy sexual relationship using porn regularly clearly has some kind of addiction - I mean most of it's absolute garbage anyway - he knows how you feel, he's not 12 so to not view it shouldn't be an issue, unless of course he can't stop.

ricketytickety Mon 22-Feb-16 14:15:34

It also makes a difference as to type and frequency. Whether he considers himself addicted. If it affects your sex life because he is unable to make love and sees sex as functional etc.

stinkysnowbear Mon 22-Feb-16 14:15:59

Not every man does.

DP doesn't. Not because I've a problem with it, he just doesn't really get it.

Cabrinha Mon 22-Feb-16 14:33:48

Current boyfriend isn't interested in it, at all. Not his thing.
Most other boyfriends have been occasional users, but not all.
XH was a regular user when he could find time between fucking prostitutes hmm and had the limited imagination and death grip to match.

I think many people who weren't generally easy liars would be embarrassed or wanting to avoid a row and blame someone else. I could forgive that once. But I'd need to be able to have an honest conversation now. Not "don't watch porn again, dealbreaker" (although you can make that choice)

But more "this is how it makes me feel, I'm pregnant and..."

A couple who choose to have a baby together, should also be able to have a conversation about this.

AnyFucker Mon 22-Feb-16 15:55:10

Well, as is often the case, it's the lying and the thinking you are stupid that is the issue here.

And any man who has to lie to his partner so he doesn't get nagged about his porn use needs to grow a fucking pair, to be quite honest

Everybody has a right to know if their dealbreakers are being broken, whether you are a porn fan or not.

pocketsaviour Mon 22-Feb-16 16:50:55

"It must have been my nephew" is now going down in the same notebook as "The dog ate my homework" and "A big boy did it and ran away".

AnyFucker Mon 22-Feb-16 16:55:21

Arf

zippey Tue 23-Feb-16 09:01:09

Its a bit unfair to try and shut the argument with that "a man has arrived" poster - this is mumsnet forums and everyone is allowed to voice their opinion, surely a male opinion is as valid as a females? Sometimes it's good to have a different pointvif view. You can say he/ she is wrong, without resorting to that kind of tactic.

I don't think all men use porn, but most will have seen it, and a significant proportion use it. I'm sure it's a similar situation with women. They have as much as lack of imagination as those who read books or watch movies, or television.

Also isn't this a control issue? Masterbation could well be something he likes doing, maybe like a hobby, and porn is part of that. As long as his hobby doesn't take over his life, stop him from being intimate with others, then I'd say it's ok. There probably isn't much sex at the moment so it's probably a realease for him.

I don't think you are over reacting though. You feelings are your own and many people have a problem with masterbation and porn. Lying is a side issue too, though folks don't usually like to talk about sexual matters and often deflect when confronted. Him hiding this is a way to spare your feelings I guess.

Not sure what the solution is but good luck anyway OP.

sarahlou75 Tue 23-Feb-16 09:15:10

OP my XP also used porn whilst I was pregnant. I caught him at it having fallen asleep on the sofa after Sunday lunch. I woke up to find him in another room wanking over the computer. It was horrible. I felt betrayed. He didn't come near me when I was pregnant it didn't 'do it' for him. He didn't come near me after our DD arrived even when I'd stopped BF.
Porn for him became an obsession. It destroyed our relationship and led him to a MH breakdown because he ended up watching some dubious sites. I found porn hidden all over the house when I chucked him out. In shoe boxes, behind furniture, in the fucking attic!
I understand that for many men it is a harmless release. But for me it's a deal breaker. It destroyed my respect for him and has had long term effects on his relationship with DD.
It was hidden, I was lied to and it hurt. A lot. I hope that this doesn't happen to you. I hope it is an occasional thing for him and can understand how it makes you feel and stop. flowers

slug Tue 23-Feb-16 10:32:31

Nope zippey. He came onto a thread where a woman was upset and basically told her to suck it up because all men do this. Put up and shut up was the gist of the post.

Bubblegum28 Tue 23-Feb-16 12:27:05

Thanks everyone for your comments, you've made me feel alot better smile still haven't had the discussion, but it needs to be addressed. I have no idea how often or how much he does it, whether it's been since the pregnancy or the whole 4 years of our relationship shock and to the man that wrote we probably ain't doing it as much now, well yes it is a bit harder with a giant bump in the way, along with all the other pregnancy symptoms (which I will not get into..!!)

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