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Living with near-adult children ... and new partner?

(13 Posts)
ravenmum Mon 22-Feb-16 09:43:12

Currently living with my 16- and 18-year-old in the house we lived in with their dad. He still has his OW and I have a boyfriend and I'm wondering how it works with new partners when your children are big. Now the boyfriend just visits me with the odd overnight stay, and the kids just visit their dad, so the kids have their own home and (mostly) privacy.

But at some point I guess I'll want to live with someone, and their dad will too. I just can't imagine moving anyone in permanently with the kids - because they are basically adult it seems somehow more of an awkward invasion of their privacy/home than if they were small. They like my current boyfriend but obviously also find it less comfortable when he's there. And I imagine he might find it weird to move into my ex's house and bed...

I don't want to make them find their own place soon; my daughter is taking a year out volunteering then thinking of going to a local university, so might be around a good while and her younger brother will probably also stay in education for a while yet.

This isn't an urgent situation, there's no rush for anyone to move; I'm just wondering about the future and curious as to how it has worked out for others.

TheNaze73 Mon 22-Feb-16 12:45:21

Think it's all a case of personal preference really. Don't think you can put a one size fits all time limit on it. Whereas I'd be thinking a minimum of 3/4 years, some people steam in after 6 months. (Crazy fools) lol

ravenmum Mon 22-Feb-16 13:56:06

I just can't imagine how I could move anyone in at all! Imagining myself staying at the dating stage until I can get my own place! I do actually like the peace and quiet of being semi-single but I can't see it being good for a relationship in the long term...

JapanNextYear Mon 22-Feb-16 14:01:34

I'm currently living with by DH and his adult step son, DSS is taking a year out after uni. I'm finding it really hard living with another adult in the house, and if it was long term I would move out. The dynamics are completely different to when they were a kid at school.

But that's us and our personalities. If your boyfriend is really laid back, gets on with your kids and you all have your own lives then great.

It might also be easier for a bloke, sexist comment alert, as what I am struggling with is the expectation that I'll cook/cater for another adult who is doing naff all to help.

ravenmum Mon 22-Feb-16 14:13:20

Ew, Japan, not sure I'd do that for long! Just been the school holidays here and I didn't even want to cook for my own kids all the time; got them to do a couple of meals at least. Harder if it is a stepchild though.

OddBoots Mon 22-Feb-16 14:20:31

Lots of people have very happy relationships where they don't live together, if you are happier living apart then keep doing that. smile

JapanNextYear Mon 22-Feb-16 14:24:31

Well, I'm not. Which causes some tension. Don't have any problem doing most of the cooking usually as DH does the tidying up after, I'm better at it and I quite enjoy it - but that's when it's just the 2 of us. So I'm leaving it up to DH now.

It has made me really re-evaluate my relationship as DH is still tidying up after, providing for and looking after someone who I see as an adult.

Frankly living together is probably over-rated when stepchildren are involved and I wish I'd waited until the kids were really leading their own lives before taking that step. I'm not laid back enough to deal with it. And they are nice kids, if rather spoilt in my view.

LobsterQuadrille Mon 22-Feb-16 14:55:54

I'm interested in the answers to this one. Ex H left when I was pregnant and DD is 18 now - I've never even had a boyfriend stay overnight as I know it would have made her uncomfortable, kind of due to the way our rooms are organised - and it would be tricky moving around. I've had two serious partners in that time and DD has had the odd overnight/weekend stay with my parents (ex H has no contact). However, now that she's off to university soon, I realise that I just don't have any desire to live with my current partner or with anyone else. I like people but equally like my own space and would be hugely reluctant to give it up for anyone.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-Feb-16 14:59:09

OP, does your new boyfriend have children?

ravenmum Mon 22-Feb-16 15:15:49

He has an 11-year-old; their plan is for her to stay mainly with her mum, though he does a lot with her too.
Maybe the easiest thing really would be to all have our own homes and visit each other.

ImperialBlether Mon 22-Feb-16 15:36:28

I think that would be the best all round. Your children will be far more comfortable if it's just your family and then they're old enough that you can go off for weekends or stay at his.

VelvetSpoon Mon 22-Feb-16 15:53:26

Op, I'm in a similar situation, my DC are 14 and 17. I've been in a relationship for coming up for 2 years, my bf also has 2 (primary age) DC, who he sees one night a week and eow.

We have talked about living together. Last year the plan was mid/ end of this year, but I think it's now on hold indefinitely. Partly because of him moving in here (house I owned with ex, etc) also because I don't think he wants to live with my DC, and I'm not sure about all of us (including his dc) being in the same house. Plus financially I am in a much better position; he wants to get a house of his own (he's currently renting) and get himself in a better position sp longer term, maybe 5-10 years time we can get a new place together and contribute in much more equal shares.

I've also lived on my own now for nearly as long as I've ever lived with anyone, so moving in would be a big step, and a real change. Not sure I'm ready for that yet.

Cabrinha Mon 22-Feb-16 16:01:23

Fiancé has 16 and 18yo, older just started uni so semi moved out, but back home in hols loads with her boyfriend staying over too.
I have 7yo.

We decided we didn't want to push anyone into playing happy families.

We'll live apart until 16yo goes to uni (she plans to).

Then he'll move in with me, but keep his place on for his kids coming back from uni hols - sometimes staying with them there.

When the youngest is out of uni, we'll reassess.

We could make money by choosing one house now and renting out the other, but we both value our current set up and taking it slowly over saving money that we would have been spending anyway, had we not met.

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