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Advice please

(8 Posts)
Sleepywolf22 Sun 21-Feb-16 19:52:12

Hi - I am hoping for some advice - my DH has walked out of our marital home after 9 years of marriage - we have been together over 15 years. We have 2 DC aged 8 and 13. We have been having issues in our marriage for a while now - mainly his mood swings and his moodiness especially around the children - he never lets up on them and is constantly on their back for something - he doesn't seem happy until he has them in tears. This has caused us a lot of friction as I always seem to have to pick up the pieces. He has been in the army and done a few tours but although we can see it he has never admitted he has any problems and refused to seek help. He works hard and is a good provider. The other main problem in our relationship is my MIL. She has no real relationships with the grandchildren and the children do not like her - she is not a nice person and thrives on negativity. I always seem to have to compromise (she hardly ever speaks to me directly and has always made it clear she does not like me). She makes plans behind my back with my husband who tends to go along with whatever she wants even if was not right for the children. A few weeks ago she had been plotting again and again I compromised but this time it was not good enough for her. I took a whole heap of verbal abuse from her over the phone and she even dropped so low as to insult the children - well I stood my ground for the first time ever. Since then my husband has sided with her - said he is leaving home to sort out his issues, packed and left. I have now heard she is paying for him to stay away from me and is saying she never wants anything ever to do with me again - but she still wants access to the children. DH has been back a couple of times to see the kids and keeps telling them he will be back but needs time away to sort himself out. On the other hand he has told me to seek help from HB to help pay the rent as he wants "his" money. He is renowned for lying as well and been caught out on many occasion. Meanwhile I have been left to try and carry on as normal. Any advice would be appreciated.

Flanks Sun 21-Feb-16 19:54:54

Lawyer.

tribpot Sun 21-Feb-16 19:57:48

It sounds like you and the children would be better off living apart from your DH and minimising contact with his mother. The kids are too old to be forced into a relationship with her and she doesn't sound like a good influence.

Perhaps your DH will become a better father if he only sees the kids every other weekend. I don't think you should leave it up to him to decide whether he's returning.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 21-Feb-16 19:59:52

Is he still in the army or has he now left the services?.

I would seek legal advice asap with regards to divorcing him. He is still financially responsible for his children. I would leave him and his mother to each other.

His mother has no automatic rights of access to see her grandchildren; in this case it seems that the rotten apple that is her son did not fall far from the rotten tree. She is clearly not a decent grandmother figure for them to have in their lives besides which your children do not like her. Someone who has insulted their grandchildren is clearly not a fit grandmother figure for them to be at all around.

Sleepywolf22 Sun 21-Feb-16 20:08:00

He is but only part-time. Unfortunately I can read her like a book - if we split she will get access through him and I do not believe he would say no to her even though it would not be in the best interest of the kids.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Feb-16 20:13:34

If I had an h like yours and he left the marital home without my having to force him out the bunting would be up, the champagne would be on ice, I'd be doing cartwheels, and my joy would be unconfined.

Has he gone for good or is this just bluff and bluster on his part? In any event, I suggest you make contact with your nearest Women's Aid branch via the national website and ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law and have specific expertise in cases of domestic abuse as I very much doubt he restricted his bullying to your dc alone.

I have now heard she is paying for him to stay away from me If true, you will have cause to thank your mil as you and your dc will be infinitely better off for not have to tiptoe on eggshells around her abusive ds who, in common with so many other bad apples, doesn't seem to have fallen far from the tree.

www.womensaid.org.uk

tribpot Sun 21-Feb-16 20:13:48

So you think it is less damaging to stay with someone who isn't happy unless his children are in tears? What effect do you imagine living with his moodiness is having on them?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 21-Feb-16 20:19:46

Your eldest dc is old enough to decide what contact, if any, they want with their father and grandmother.

Your youngest is coming to the age where their wishes regarding contact should be taken into account but, in any event, these are matters which can be addressed during the divorce process.

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