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bored in my marriage

(27 Posts)
smallspikyleaves Sun 21-Feb-16 18:33:09

been with dh 8 years and married 5 but I am so bored. i do love him. he is really good looking and I do find him attractive. no physical issues, I am on sertraline but trying to wean off them atm. the first few years were absolutely hot as hell... we were head over heels and the sex was absolutely great for the first few years.

i remember our first kiss and first shag even the first time he so much as touched me (in a non sexual way) and it was like being hit by a truck (in a good way) ...I guess I am struggling with the fact I will never feel that lovely "newness" again....although the sex is still good its never the same (cue posters saying they've been with their h's 20 years and its still the same as it was at the start, well sorry but I just don't believe you and neither does science as I have been reading up on it all and the internet is full of articles saying how its natural for relationships to get dull over time, its biological)...I also miss feeling like an utter sex goddess like he made me feel in the beginning.

so have been reading up on it all and just keep seeing articles saying how to spice things up etc. well I don't want to, I want it to be just naturally hot not flagging a dead horse. I also think If I am feeling like this then more than likely so is dh and that makes me sad

i sometimes don't think I can "do" long relationships, my last one before dh ended after seven years, I was just so bored. i was married then as well. but the sex was dull and I didn't really even fancy exH anyway after the first couple of years together. so i met this other guy and it was fireworks, i didnt shag him just kissed a few times but the thrill felt like 1000 times better than i had ever felt with exH. so i finished with him. and I didn't stay with the other man, I wasn't interested in getting with him. he just showed me what was out there and that it was better (as bad as that sounds)

except this time there is 3 kids to consider, a mortgage and the fact I am ten years older and who is going to want me anyway? and despite saying all this I do really love him, we have a solid relationship, and he is an amazing dad...... but I am just bored.,..i feel such a bitch

I know this is a really rambling post but I just am trying to write everything down that I am feeling

pocketsaviour Sun 21-Feb-16 18:45:59

OP, what has changed since you met your H and you had a great sexual relationship?

When did you start on your ADs (which some can be renowned for killing your sex drive)
Are your DC with him? Are you now on hormonal contraception?

smallspikyleaves Sun 21-Feb-16 18:54:29

hmm what has changed

well I had a one year old with my exh when we met (who lived with me and still does) but we went on to have 2 more of our own, they are 7 and 2

am older now obvs, I was 27 when we met and without being big headed I was very good looking and thin . but my body isnt what it was and my looks have inevitably faded in the last few years so my self image isn't great. so that doesn't help although he still seems to find me sexy

we just bought a house which is a big step and commitment (before that was renting in council so no pressure really and also was my tenancy so if we ever split I knew id be, not so much)

I have been on my ad's since june 2014 but as I mentioned I have been tapering them off since just after xmas

I am not on contraception apart from the coil (the non hormonal one)

thanks x

handslikecowstits Sun 21-Feb-16 19:01:38

Just a head's up: sertraline really knocked my sex life for six when I was on it. I had no interest in it and when I did try to have sex I couldn't orgasm. This could have something to do with it.

ridemesideways Sun 21-Feb-16 19:01:48

You know it's normal to feel this way. The passion changes over time. You can either accept that, or not.

But you're not a bitch for feeling bored. You're human. The 'spice things up' advice is a bit patronising, but some things do work. Close your eyes and think of someone else

Ultimately, you have to weigh up whether you'd be happier continuing to stay, or go.

smallspikyleaves Sun 21-Feb-16 19:23:10

yeah I have heard that hands ...I can orgasm, just never feel in the mood

I just miss being permanently horny and wanting it all the time

I guess you were joking ride about thinking of someone else.....if not that's really depressing (no offence to anyone) .... as I used to do that with ex all the time

I wouldn't be happier if he left because I really do love him but its just depressing to think I will never feel that electric lust again

I really think that if humans were wired to keep feeling how they do in the earlier years of a relationship there would be no divorce or affairs

SauvignonPlonker Sun 21-Feb-16 19:33:23

Sorry, but you sound emotionally about 12. I think you would benefit from counselling, looking at why you get so "bored" & your expectations of long-term relationships/sex.,

smallspikyleaves Sun 21-Feb-16 19:41:12

sauvignon because as I say its still good once we get going :D I just miss the fireworks and butterflies sad

you are right though, I know my expectations are unreasonable

Joysmum Sun 21-Feb-16 20:07:24

cue posters saying they've been with their h's 20 years and its still the same as it was at the start, well sorry but I just don't believe you and neither does science as I have been reading up on it all and the internet is full of articles saying how its natural for relationships to get dull over time

Well it does get dull if you can't be arsed to put some time and effort into honing your skills and learning new ones. It's like having having your favourite meal every Friday, you'd not look forward to it as it'd be predictable! Our sex life isn't the same as the early days, it's better because we do more than we ever did in those early days and know each other well. Our love is more rounded too making it emotionally more satisfying as well as physically.

I also miss feeling like an utter sex goddess like he made me feel in the beginning

In my experience, feeling like a sex goddess comes from within, it's not a gift my DH gives to me, more something that comes from being happy and confident. It's affected by how I feel about myself. If I was just going through the motions with sex, I'd not feel like a sex goddess either. Hardly surprising!

keep seeing articles saying how to spice things up etc. well I don't want to, I want it to be just naturally hot not flagging a dead horse

Long term relationships don't stay hot without expanding your mind and repertoire, that's hardly what I'd describe as flogging a dead horse. If you don't want to put in any time and effort into nurturing you're sex life then it's going get boring and go stale.

You sound very lazy and lacking in any sort of motivation to be able to maintain a long and happy marriage. These things needs to be nurtured and fed. I feel sorry for your DH, you sound like a petulant child that wants something you've no intentions of doing anything to achieve. Do what you've always done, get what you always got.

PitilessYank Sun 21-Feb-16 20:40:30

There are also great gifts that come with long-term relationships: intimacy, security, comfort. I wouldn't trade those for the temporary spark of newness.

Also, hotness between a couple in marriage comes and goes. It doesn't have to disappear completely, it just fluctuates over time, which is fine!

ridemesideways Mon 22-Feb-16 00:29:45

Romeo & Juliet isn't a love story, it's a warning about butterflies & lust:-

"Like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey is loathsome in its own deliciousness. Therefore, love moderately."

Don't throw your life away chasing that spark.

FrogFairy Mon 22-Feb-16 00:38:29

What contraception do you use? Some can kill your libido.

candykane25 Mon 22-Feb-16 00:39:58

Say you throw it all away. Meet someone else. Very exciting. Lots of hot sex.
In 7 or 8 yrs time you are going to throw that away too.
I would look for counselling to work out what is stopping you from being happy.
Would you really be happier to throw everything away, live in turmoil, have your kids in turmoil for some temporary excitement?
I've watched with happen. People walk out on families because they were bored. Watched the hurt and turmoil left behind. Watch the person who left become an absolute wreck and go into a downward spiral.
I don't get it myself.

ddeemummy Mon 22-Feb-16 05:59:22

I think its natural to miss the early days of a relationship. Ive been feeling really down latelty and feeling really nostalgic the fact that I will of been with OH 10 years in May and ive been thinking alot about how far weve come together and what weve been through. I would love to relive our first couple years again for various reasons was the best and worst time of my life.

As crap as I am feeling lately I do love him greatly and could not imagine been with anyone else. We dont get much time together alone and live for the odd weekends his mum has kids for us so we can feel 21 again.

Do you get much alone time? You both need to be prepared to put the effort in. I can certainly see where people end up stuck in a rutt in their relationships

MatrixReloaded Mon 22-Feb-16 07:48:56

I heard similar complaints from my ex husband when he was cheating. He would whinge about the lack of passion and first kisses. He didn't realize that it was difficult to feel passionate about him when he was so boring and that it wasn't my job to make him feel like a sex God every day.

I suspect you have either met someone else , or as others say you are immature and lazy.

smallspikyleaves Mon 22-Feb-16 08:03:15

matrix I haven't met someone else and honestly I am not lazy. I try my hardest to look good ie hair dyed regularly, wear make up, keep groomed, wear nice clothes etc. and I try and do fun stuff when i can, we talk a lot, i make sure i compliment him often and when we do have sex I really make the effort with blowjobs but I dunno I feel like I am going through the motions. sorry your ex H cheated sad this is what I worry about - I wouldn't cheat but if he is feeling how I am he has plenty of opportunity (don't want to out myself but he is in a profession where he could)

ddeemummy that is actually similar to how I feel I do love him a lot. we never get time to ourselves either 3 kids and not one of their 6 grandparents gives a shit or ever helps

frog I don't use hormonal contraception

smallspikyleaves Mon 22-Feb-16 08:04:33

and thanks for the other posts which I haven't directly replied to, you are very wise flowers

newname99 Mon 22-Feb-16 08:38:38

Could getting the house, settling down and not having an exit route be something to do with it? Also you are heading towards 40 and I think it's often a time for reflection especially if you are still imersed in the druggery of child rearing.You start asking 'Is this my life?'

What are you excited about? Do you have travel plans, career options, any goals?

Gobbolino6 Mon 22-Feb-16 09:00:18

Sertraline is a huge libido killer in my experience. Of course, a lot of this is normal and you have to weigh up how you want your life to look long term.

DistanceCall Mon 22-Feb-16 09:01:04

You're doing it wrong. Sex gets better with time, not worse. Of course, that requires going through bad times together, sticking with each other, and experiencing the worst in your partner and yourself and getting past that. You know, a real, adult relationship. You don't really sound very interested in that.

smallspikyleaves Mon 22-Feb-16 09:02:25

oh god yeah newname I am 37 this year and I just feel my best years are behind me particularly looks wise sad I know that's shallow but I got far too used to being attractive in my 20's and early 30's I used to turn heads and now I don't sad (sorry if that's big headed) ...and think you have a point re the house as well its all I have ever wanted to own my own house so not sure why im not happier about it?

I have my own business which makes me proud and its something I love and am good at so that's a positive

we don't have the money to travel etc i want to go to so many places but its not do able with 3 kids...I would have loved to go to America this year but have looked and its thousands if we took all the kids. and as i said no one ever babysits so we would have no chance of going away just the 2 of us. also dd2 who is 2 is very hard work atm so i don't think she helps. she is very screamy and tantrummy - we cant even go food shopping without her kicking off. its very stressfull

but you have made me realise i am not that excited about anything really

<thinks the words "mid life crisis"> <buries them> NO NO NO

smallspikyleaves Mon 22-Feb-16 09:03:18

that requires going through bad times together, sticking with each other, and experiencing the worst in your partner and yourself and getting past that

oh we have done distancecall the shit we have been through, omg, could write a book

DistanceCall Mon 22-Feb-16 11:34:11

Then I think you need to work on it. Talking about your fantasies (your real fantasies, not the ones you think you should have). Taking time for it (like going on a dirty weekend).

The good thing is that you never really stop finding new things about each other (because people change all the time and learn new things). So you can have sex with the person you love, and also with a stranger who surprises you. It does take more work than at the start of a relationship (when the other person is actually an exciting stranger), but it's also much more intense, in my experience.

smallspikyleaves Mon 22-Feb-16 16:45:16

i dont have any fantasies distance - honestly. I realise that probably makes me very unusual :D

i was thinking about all this today at work. and i actually think its too much familiarity. so much so, it sometimes it almost feels incestuous, being with him. i felt it even more with my ex to the point where it would disgust me even kissing him. that's wrong surely confused

MatrixReloaded Mon 22-Feb-16 18:02:26

Your posts are quite confusing Op. You initially say your bored , but that you have a good sex life. You say you find him attractive but that it feels incestuous.

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