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Something needs to give :/

(22 Posts)
3rdbump Sun 21-Feb-16 14:59:23

So, oh of 13 years went out yesterday afternoon around 1pm taking the car supposedly to do some work (self employed). Now its almost 3pm and he's still not back. He ended up out last night I presume with friends who live around an hour away. He knew I needed the car back yesterday at 5 told me he was driving home. 630 came, nothing. 11pm I had a what's app saying love you and all this other bollocks. Clearly been drinking. I ignored it. Went to bed. 730 am his worker knocked o the door waiting to start work, told him oh had done his usual disappearING act. He told me that my oh had called him and told him he was on his way home and to start without him. Well it's 3pm and no one has heard from him. His phone is switched off presuming battery and the bloke in think he is with his phone is off too. I have contacted his usual haunts and he's not there. Sigh.
FFS I need to grow a pair and leave this man.
Been like this for years and yes I know I am the only one who can change things. Gotton too comfortable here now. Financial wise doing okay. Emotionally it's hell.
We also have alot of assets together meant to be building a house this year which has started. We have 4 children together eldest is 12 youngest 8 months. 2 successful businesses (one being mine) why is he such a knob??? Why can't he grow the fuck up??? It can be good 50 percent of the time. The rest is horrid.
Do I move out live life as a single mum and struggle for 4 children, give up my horse who.I have had for years and my escapism??
Or suck it up, do my own thing and put up with being treated like a mug??

pocketsaviour Sun 21-Feb-16 15:17:10

FFS I need to grow a pair and leave this man.

From what you've said, I'd broadly agree.

I couldn't live like this and you don't sound like you can go on this way.

This disappearing act, does it always follow heavy drinking? How much does he drink?

3rdbump Sun 21-Feb-16 15:24:07

Yes it does. He goes through phases . For about 4 months he won't really drink and he's fine. Then all of a sudden for no reason he will have seveal blow outs over the course of about a month. It started on Wednesday, he went to work then straight after he went the pub, never told me gave me the usual crap yes am leaving now (at 530pm) then rocks in after 12 reeking of alcohol pissed. I chose to ignore it and never mentioned it Friday . He knows how I feel about it. Then this yesterday. Although he has never been away for a full 24 hours. He normally comes crawling back the next day before 10 and normally manages to work too (doesn't seem to get hangovers)
It's crap. Especially taking my car. We live rural so nearest shop is a good 6 mile walk up all sorts of hills and with 2 under 3 it's impossible sad

3rdbump Sun 21-Feb-16 15:28:16

He can easily drink a large bottle of whiskey an evening as well as several glasses of wine, so yes alot when he's one one. Normally on a weekly basis it maybe a bottle of wine the odd night or 2 cans of beer most nights. He also gets really arse and argumentative if he has alot to drink. That's how I can gauge how much he has had depending on how many egg shells I have to stand on. He's not phisacally violent just verbally horrible

pocketsaviour Sun 21-Feb-16 17:20:27

That is a lot of booze by anyone's standards. He has a drink problem.

He'll deny this, of course, by saying "I'm not an alcoholic because I don't drink every day."

That's why I said "drink problem". He drinks too much and it's a problem.
www.drinkaware.co.uk/selfassessment

ridemesideways Sun 21-Feb-16 17:31:33

You're living with an alcoholic who abuses you. Of course you need to grow a pair and leave this man.

Sounds like you could do with some input on the practicalities of extricating yourself, your DC and your horse from him?

Would suggest you contact Women's Aid for that, and also Al-Anon for local support for yourself.

3rdbump Sun 21-Feb-16 18:30:29

He's just come back around 20 mins ago. No apology this time, trying to act normal. Now hes Just gone straight to bed.

Going to kick him on the sofa when I go to bed. There's no way I want him anywhere near me

pocketsaviour Sun 21-Feb-16 18:32:06

Good for you. Don't normalise this for one minute longer.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 21-Feb-16 18:38:24

He left you without a car, 4 children one 8 months old, and was uncontactable for more than 24 hours?? I would have had a couple of bin bags waiting for him on the front step

I can see how this can have become 'normal' for you, but it is really quite shocking

3rdbump Sun 21-Feb-16 18:58:55

Been looking at houses in the nrarest town which is 7 mile away to rent. Managed to find one which seems good and ticks the right boxes with a garage for a workshop (my business) thinking of seeing it this week. Will call up tax credits tomorrow and see what I am entitled too and housing benefit. I need to do this

Costacoffeeplease Sun 21-Feb-16 23:17:16

Good luck, let us know how you get on

Patheticfallacy Sun 21-Feb-16 23:20:30

Good luck. You are definitely doing the right thingflowers

germinal Sun 21-Feb-16 23:23:04

Oh good luck! What an awful situation for you sad Is he a good dad when he is not drinking?

3rdbump Tue 23-Feb-16 00:55:49

Germinal - yes I can't fault him as a dad. He always takes the kids out and spends time with them, if anything he spoils them. It's just me he seems to over look :/

3rdbump Fri 26-Feb-16 18:28:58

Well its been almost a week and am still in limbo. OH thinks am not being serious as countless times in have told him am leaving and never do :/ I told him it's best he leaves as I am set up here now with kids school work etc. He's just shrugs and says he will look for somewhere but just carries on as normal. He is still in the same bed as me. He says why should he sleep on the sofa when he works hard all day (physical job) I Co sleep with out 8 month old who is still bf so it makes sense in stay in the bed as babies cot is attached to the bed.
Am fed up. Like really fed up. Today I got up sorted kids out for school. The toddler went with his grandad to a trip to London, partner went to work. I live rural and didn't have the car today. I just sat in. Feel fustrated I have sooooo much work to be getting on with (self employed and make items and sell them online) I could seriously have enough work to work 4 full days per week. Instead I can only do 1and half days per week as nursery only has spaces for then.times. I love my children alot, of course I do but I just need me time. Weekends are worse. My eldest who is 12 has dyspraxia and adhd and can be very hard work. Him and his sister just fight and scream all day and he winds up the 3 yr old terribly. Partners work is quite seasonal so he is extra busy this time of year. I don't get to see anyone as family and old friends are 90 mile away. We live in the middle of nowhere. I have 2 horses which I just can't get to enjoy - I go down daily but it's literally throw hay or the gate and dash off with kids jn the car :/ I was hoping for te down the field tomorrow and hoping partner would have them for a few hours. But no. He's working. It seems his work is the most important yet my work and business isn't despite me paying a chunk of rent and the hp every month (which the business pays for) yes he earns more but I chip in too!!
Am fed up. It seems if anyone else wants help he will gladly give up time for them and help out. If I want time out its tough shit. I can't remember the last time he said anything nice to me or even made me a cuppa when I have been bf the baby (baby has been full of cold so has been nursing alot)
Something has to change sad

3rdbump Fri 26-Feb-16 18:44:33

He's just come in ftom work. Straight to the bedroom. Am making tea he will eat that then go to bed. If I try have a conversation he never listens just sits on his phone what's aping his friends :/
That's my life!! He's out all day most days working as his own boss with workers who are friends. He goes out when he wants and was talking about taking up football and badminton a few nights per week sad

Proseccofiend32 Fri 26-Feb-16 18:50:56

Wow! I'm sorry OP but he sounds awful! I know how hard it is to leave and understand what you say about leading separate lives too, it's easy to tell you what to do when we are not the ones living it but only you know what you really want. He definitely is treating you like poo though X

inlectorecumbit Fri 26-Feb-16 18:53:06

so what happened about the house that you found on Sunday 7 miles away?

Oh and why are you cooking for him??

3rdbump Fri 26-Feb-16 18:58:42

I thought about the house. For one I would struggle getting the deposit together 2. I would need a guarantor as got a rubbish credit record 3. I would nèd to transport daughter to school everyday which would be 14 mile (at the moment she gets the school bus which takes her and drops her off from top of the lane. It's more practical if I stay and he goes.
As for tea - I don't know sad

PregnantAndEngaged Fri 26-Feb-16 19:09:35

When he leaves for work tomorrow, pack his clothes, put them in bin bags outside the house and get a locksmith round to change the locks.

CountTessa Fri 26-Feb-16 19:20:33

Right, so how about you look at getting another car so you have more physical independence?

newname99 Fri 26-Feb-16 19:23:18

He's hoping it will blow over.Drinkers are selfish and irresponsible.When he wants to be CO daddt then he will but he can't be a genuinely good dad to disappear drinking.Alcohol and chikdren are not compatible.

If you want him to leave then tell him and tell him again..become a broken record.See a solicitor, if he knows you are serious he will sort out a place for himself.

Your life will be so much better, Living with an alcoholic is living half a life, your anxiety is high as life is not predictable. Your children need to know this is not acceptable.My ex was a drinker, like his father beforehand...break the circle for your children.
I remember feeling that it was impossible to leave but once you have it clear in your mind the steps start to fall into place.Trust that you deserve a better life than this

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