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How much should you put into trying to make a marriage work?

(31 Posts)
wishicouldseethefuture Sun 21-Feb-16 14:32:28

It's been a long while since I last posted but suffice to say I wasn't in a good place about a year and a half ago. My DH was drinking excessively and id got to breaking point. The money situation was dire as well. He obviously realised after I laid into him after one particular incident when he came home steaming and put food on to cook and left it to burn whilst we were all asleep upstairs. After that I went all out to get a job - made redundant the year before. He stopped drinking after that incident and got a more reliable job as well. Our youngest has unfortunately then had serious illnesses over the last year which obviously has pressured the situation but on the other hand has made us just get through it day to day and focus on the children.

My youngest is not far from turning 2 and seems - touch wood - to have turned a corner.

Over the last couple of weeks I've been thinking more and more of our situation now. My DH hasn't drunk since he stopped a year and a bit ago. I doubt that's a permanent thing but still he has stopped for now which is what I asked for.

The remainder of our issues - equal input into money/housework/childcare etc isn't there. He rarely does anything in the house, he's still got a temper and his attitude to money is still not great. He still doesn't make much effort over hygiene. We clash over discipline and approach to finances. We've also had several major conversations re me working as he thinks it negatively impacts on us as a family and the childcare cost swallows my wage anyway. I'm not even going there in terms of becoming dependent on a man again which I have said to him. We haven't had a physical relationship for a few years - the children are my focus admittedly which may be impacting my drive but the lack of hygiene and effort definitely doesn't make me want to do anything.

My question is at what stage is a relationship beyond the point where anything can be done. We've talked about money and discipline and essentially agree to disagree. I find it difficult to address the hygiene issue other than saying to him on occasion he smells and to wash/have a shower/brush his teeth. At the moment I'm making plans for the end - I've got the job security now, have family support and other than considering the children think we'd both be happier apart. I still have resentment over things in the past, essentially don't trust he won't go back to drinking even though it's been a while and can't rely or trust him from a financial security perspective so that's not a good base to work from is it?

pocketsaviour Sun 21-Feb-16 14:39:47

You should be putting in exactly the same amount of effort to making the marriage work, as your H does.

So it sounds like you can stop.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Feb-16 14:43:32

Yep, you can stop now.

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Sun 21-Feb-16 14:48:00

Which partnership are we talking about?

wishicouldseethefuture Sun 21-Feb-16 14:49:41

I think I'm just anticipating his reaction will be why haven't you told me how you feel and that we should work to resolve differences. But we have talked about the different issues again and again, the only think I haven't said is that I'm thinking of leaving. The only time I did was straight after the drinking incident where I said I wasn't prepared to have our lives put at risk which is probably what rammed it home and why he stopped drinking then.

tribpot Sun 21-Feb-16 15:02:59

When he said "we should work to resolve differences" he means you should. Doesn't he?

wishicouldseethefuture Sun 21-Feb-16 15:20:38

I haven't - recently - discussed with him what is going through my mind about us. We talk about finances and discipline matters but it's been a while since we discussed our relationship so he hasn't raised the points made in my previous points, ie about resolving differences - I just think that's what he'll say when I say that's it.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Feb-16 15:23:26

Remember this: you can end a relationship at any time for whatever reason you want

MoominPie22 Sun 21-Feb-16 15:36:14

Do you still love him? I must say, the personal hygiene issue would be a major issue for me. Why doesn´t he wash/take care of himself do you think? It´s not very respectful towards you but it can also be a sign of depression.

It sounds like your mind is made up anyway, and it´s esp good you´re in work. You just have to broach the subject now. Would he move out or yourself?

givepeasachance Sun 21-Feb-16 15:44:34

Sounds like you are ready to go.

Just do it. You'll never look back.

You don't have to be a martyr and sacrifice yourself at the altar of Selfish Man.

wishicouldseethefuture Sun 21-Feb-16 16:02:10

I don't know why he makes little effort on the hygiene front - he wasn't like that when we met and whilst I'm not OCD from a hygiene point of view I do shower regularly and brush my teeth twice a day. He could be depressed but if he is he doesn't talk about it and doesn't see anyone for it. I think he has anger issues which he doesn't agree with - he just puts it that he won't tolerate idiots. But then given he loses his temper with me/the children then are we idiots?!

This is what I mean I guess by my question - should I be essentially driving down into why he is how he is and giving him options to address it - going to counselling etc - and only if he refuses to do that then there would be reason (acceptable reasons) to end things. Even though there have been so many things that I'm sure many in my position would have left years ago there's still a doubt - probably because I'm thinking of the impact on the children/broken family etc -as to whether I should try and mend things rather than walk away.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Feb-16 16:08:59

If he wanted to change he would have taken steps by now.

Do you think you owe him a relationship because he stopped drinking ? He did that for himself as all alcoholics have to do.

notagiraffe Sun 21-Feb-16 16:15:32

Given that you haven't actually mentioned any of this to him for a while, I think I'd probably have a go at discussing it all, and see if there's enough love and respect on his part to clean up his act, sort out his temper and honour your decision to go back to work by being 50/50 in all housework and childcare costs (WHY is it always the woman's salary that gets eaten up by childcare?

Husbanddoestheironing Sun 21-Feb-16 16:15:38

It sounds like you have tried really hard and are ready to move on. Which is your absolute right. It might be worth spelling it out clearly first though as many people only hear what they want to hear and he may not realise that it has got to this point. Is there anything you feel it is worth retrieving to make you think it is worth considering counselling? If not it may be just a waste of money IMHO. Good luck flowers

starry0ne Sun 21-Feb-16 16:20:22

After I left my Exh.. I always wanted to work on my marriage but realised I was the only one who did..

It was a waste of my energy.

Hillfarmer Sun 21-Feb-16 18:14:26

As others have said - how much work is he putting into this marriage? It does look like a big fat zero from his side.

And he is horrible to live with. That's quite enough to end the relationship.

Mamaka Sun 21-Feb-16 18:44:53

He has given up drinking but his behaviour is still that of an alcoholic. Has he gone into any kind of recovery program? If not I think this is called white knuckling. I'll find a link to post but this is probably no help anyway as it doesn't sound like he is up for making any change. Would he go to a recovery group or counselling?

Mamaka Sun 21-Feb-16 18:48:37

alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/white-knuckle-sobriety/

alcoholrehab.com/addiction-recovery/dry-drunk-syndrome/

Does the dry drunk sound like him?

Destinysdaughter Sun 21-Feb-16 18:50:09

Do you still love him? He sounds bloody awful to me, I couldn't stand to be with a man with poor personal hygiene, let alone all the other stuff. If it were me, I think I'd cut my losses as it doesn't look like it will get much better tbh. Sorry you've got such a dud OP, I hope you can have a happier life, I'm sure you will.

AnyFucker Sun 21-Feb-16 19:00:29

I was going to say dry drunk

ridemesideways Sun 21-Feb-16 19:08:13

You can give yourself permission to end it, any time, for any or no reason. You have plenty of reasons in fact, and the no drinking thing shouldn't even need to come into it really, on the face of it.

wishicouldseethefuture Sun 21-Feb-16 19:15:10

Wow the white knuckle sobriety info definitely rings true. He literally quit drinking cold turkey and is doing it by willpower. To my knowledge he's had absolutely no outside help for anything but then he wouldn't seeing as he didn't see he had a problem and he could cut down/stop when he wanted. He definitely gets stressed easily and angry so pretty much everything the same save for he's not out drinking most nights.

Do I love him? We've been together 15 years, have two children. I love who he was and for the fact he has given me our children but I don't feel in love with who he is now but maybe I'm not doing enough to revive what we had.

Destinysdaughter Sun 21-Feb-16 19:19:19

What more do you think you could be doing?

AnyFucker Sun 21-Feb-16 19:23:26

what more would you have to do ?

Get over your revulsion at his cheesy nob ? Accept you will never feel financially secure ? Stop watching and waiting for when he falls off the wagon again ?

Not looking like a very good proposition is it ?

wishicouldseethefuture Sun 21-Feb-16 19:25:10

Bar saying to him I think he needs to get some outside help re anger/possible depression I don't think there is more I can do in all honesty.

You're all right in saying what you are, believe me I have realised I deserve more and I don't think I could put up with this for another 15 years. It's just whether I owe it to our kids to first lay it all out on the table for him so to speak and say sort yourself out or we are over.

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