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Please help me, I'm lost and utterly clueless

(22 Posts)
lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 09:11:54

I apologise in advance, I may ramble a bit.

DP of 14 years finished our relationship 4 days ago. We have 3 year old DD.

He says we don't understand each other, he isn't in love with me anymore, and doesn't think we're right for each other anymore. I agree that we haven't been getting on for some time, however I put most of this down to 3 years of intense stress and various traumas.

He's left and I'm now living with my parents with DD.

I feel like I am living outside of myself looking in. I am heartbroken, confused and utterly terrified of what the future holds. I cannot believe he would do this to our child without fighting to make this work.

I am trying to think practically now so I'm desperately searching some advice. What do I do as far as maintenance is concerned? How much contact can he have? I can't sleep for worrying poor DD is going to be passed from pillar to post on the whim of his contact wishes. She needs consistency and routine.

This feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

sooperdooper Sun 21-Feb-16 09:16:24

So sorry you're going through this

Why are you at your parents, where were you living before with him?

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet? They will advise on maintenance and access rights

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 09:21:38

We've sold our house with a view to upsizing.

There have been some pretty horrendous things said and done over the past few days and I cannot stay in the same house as him. Equally, I can't be in that house by myself with DD. It's fine in the day but it's the evenings when DD is in bed. I'm too fragile to be by myself.

I haven't spoken to a solicitor yet, but wondered if I could get a bit of advice here on where to actually start.

penelopewellingdon Sun 21-Feb-16 09:23:47

see solicitor URGENTLY otherwise the money from the sale of your house might be put out of your reach.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 21-Feb-16 09:25:53

I think you need to start with proper legal advice based on your personal circumstances

Contact shouldn't be at the whim of his wishes, but organised and regular, so you can all plan and know what's happening when

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 09:26:23

Oh my god, why? We're both on the mortgage

sooperdooper Sun 21-Feb-16 09:30:08

Where is the money from the sale of the house? Is it in a joint account? If so I think you should speak to the bank and explain your circumstances - unless you need access to those funds day to day it may be best if the account is put on hold to protect the money

sooperdooper Sun 21-Feb-16 09:30:55

Whose name was on the mortgage is irrelevant if the house has been sold

Marchate Sun 21-Feb-16 09:32:18

The mortgage is a separate issue. It was a debt. Cash from the house sale is an asset. You could lose everything if it 'disappears' into his bank account

Speak to a solicitor first thing Monday. And/or citizens advice

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 09:33:47

We have't exchanged contracts yet - this is happening in a few weeks.

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 09:38:05

Sorry, I should have clarified that the sale has not gone through yet

Marchate Sun 21-Feb-16 09:40:42

Okay, that's good. I live in Scotland where the house sale system is different, but the important thing is to make sure the money is distributed fairly

The solicitor dealing with the sale will advise you. Phone them first thing tomorrow

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 10:25:33

He has messaged me this morning, outlining the days he wants to have DD this week. Already I am panicking. I really don't think its fair for a 3 year old to not have consistency and a main base to feel secure. I have agreed to an overnight this weekend and for dinner a couple of nights in the week, but I just can't see how staying overnight somewhere for 2 nights, then somewhere else for 3, then back to the other place again is either fair or consistent for a child of her age.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 21-Feb-16 10:34:49

But she will be with a parent at each place - not random people and different places - it's going to be her 'normal' and as long as you stay up and positive about it, she can be too. No it's not what you wanted for her, but it is what it is now

It doesn't mean that he gets everything he wants though - work out what's fair for all of you

WickedWax Sun 21-Feb-16 10:42:01

You need to calm down.

First things first, speak to the solicitors dealing with the sale of your house, and follow it up in writing, explaining that you and your partner are no longer in a relationship, you will be setting up your own bank account (if you haven't already got one) of which you will forward then the details, and you are seeking legal advice re profits from the house sale.

Then go see a solicitor, explain all of the above, see what they advise.

With regards to contact, it might seem unfair and definitely not what you want, but one overnight and 2 dinners seems appropriate to me to start with and you may need to brace yourself for a 50/50 'split' (for want of a better word) of time with your DD.

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 11:09:27

I'm not calm at all.

I had a miscarriage 11 days ago and a week later he finishes the relationship. I am broken.

I have my own account and everything is 50/50 financially.

Can anyone recommend good family lawyers in the Midlands area?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 21-Feb-16 11:28:02

Of course you're not calm! Things are very difficult right now but they won't always be like this. It's all very fresh and terribly hard for you.

Things will calm down, most especially once you have a permanent home for you and your child.

I suggest you get onto the CSA or whatever they're called now and start getting child-support payments formally arranged. A lot of fathers claim they'll want 50/50 care so they won't have to pay any child-support but very, very few step up to the plate. At the moment you have your child with you 7 days out of 7, so in theory he needs to pay you 15% of his take-home pay.

Be warned, a lot of fathers resent having to support their children at all once the separation is permanent, so you need to sort out a formal arrangement asap.

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Sun 21-Feb-16 11:30:47

Yes - I will PM you. Very good one will clearly make him understand his responsibilities and bring him to reason.

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 11:31:40

Thank you so much

silverfoxofwarwick1952 Sun 21-Feb-16 11:37:08

Your (family law) solicitor may want to have the sale proceeds from the house frozen. They may also stop the sale process if there is a good reason to prevent the house from being sold at this stage. The worst that can happen is he could take some of those proceeds overseas, which would be pretty impractical to recover if he moves overseas too. Or he could invest them in a business. Not sure if these are likely scenarios, but prevention is better than cure.

Marchate Sun 21-Feb-16 11:41:41

You needed 100% support, not to be deserted

Having said that, you will have to deal with reality. Legal issues are best sorted out immediately. Children/access - it's too early for you to know what's best so maybe go relatively easy on that for now? People here will give you good advice

Make sure you look after your physical and mental health. Accept help. Be kind to yourself

lostandsoscared Sun 21-Feb-16 12:08:10

Thank you all for your help.

I truly am doing everything I can to keep it together for my child.
Just devastated.

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