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Boyfriend has a child with ex

(203 Posts)
Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:10:19

Hello everyone

So, I have been in this relstionship for 4 months now and things have been going well. There's a 13 year age gap between my boyfriend and I. I'm 22 and he's 35.

My boyfriend has a son who's 10 with an ex. I get along great with his son and things were going really well. He has his son every weekend and a night after school every other week (ontop of the weekend).

I'm not sure why, but his ex has now suddenly started being really funny for what days he has his son. For example, he usually gets his son mid week say Tuesday-Wednesday then at the weekend.

A few weeks ago, it was my birthday on a Friday. We had made plans to go out as we were both free. He dropped his son off that Wednesday night and must have mentioned about my birthday and suddenly Thursday night he gets a call asking if he can have his son Friday, he already would have had him the weekend. So our plans got changed.

Friday is usually the only day/night we have together and now his ex suddenly wants my boyfriend to have their son Friday/Saturday and Sunday.

I'm not sure if I'm over reacting or what, I've never been in this situation before and I don't want to seem like I'm being unreasonable? I'm not sure if I'm not mature enough, or because I don't have kids myself that I'm not as understanding? I honestly don't know, but i just know that I like having at least some time just my boyfriend and I?

I know his child will always come first, and rightly so but do you think when I suggested he has him every other Friday not every Friday that its not acceptable? That's where our arguement started and now I'm not even sure if I am a horrible person who seems to be getting in the way of him spending time with his child sad

I guess I'm finding it difficult knowing that if we stay together, this woman is always going to be in his life and he seems to leT her have so much control over his life? Like he's not said well I'd quite like a day to myself as he's off Friday/Saturday and Sunday's.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:19:03

After 4 months it's not really any of your business what days he sees his son is it? TBH if I was his ex I'd be pretty annoyed that he'd even introduced you so soon.

Your dating a man with a child - you have to accept that the child is his priority.

LobsterQuadrille Sun 21-Feb-16 09:34:07

You get on "great" with his son after four months? Not your fault, but as the boy's mother I wouldn't be too happy that you'd even been introduced. I have an 18 year old and have only ever introduced her to two men, both of whom I'd been planning to move in with after more than a year. To be honest I would leave all the arranging regarding access and contact to the boy's parents, see your boyfriend in the times that he is free and make plans to go out with your friends when he's with his son - equally, he should be having time with his son and no-one else. Step back and if it's going to work out, it will all be OK further down the line and your boyfriend will respect you for keeping out of it.

Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:37:54

Hello, thanks for your reply. Well we have been friends for a lot longer than 4 months, but only been dating that long.

Rebecca2014 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:40:30

Yes after 4 months you don't have much say. Your bf sounds like a great dad, which is fantastic but I agree with you. I am a single mum dating a man with a child, he's a good father too but I wouldn't be happy if he didn't make any time for me. What would be point of dating him??

I would rethink this relationship

Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:40:45

I have known him longer than 4 months, but we have only been dating that long.

The problem is, the only time he was free was a Friday and now she wants him to have their child on that day alongside the weekend (the only time we are both free). Like I said, I understand his child will always come first but it just seems odd how now she is wanting him to have their son on the only day she knows we had together.

Like I said, I'm all new to this. I am only young myself and was just asking for advice as I've never been in this situation before

Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:44:25

Thank you for understanding. I feel like we don't ever have time to do stuff just us. That's where my issue is now, because he is always going to have his child when he isn't at work.

I don't want to be invading all their time together - his child deserves quality time with just him. But now he has said its fine to have his child every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

lunar1 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:44:33

After 4 months you should have absolutely no input into anything to do with his son.

Nona79 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:45:01

You should be delighted that he makes his son his priority. If you are looking for a future with this man I'd think a man who puts his children first would be a quality every woman would want?

If he had his son every weekend then you work around it. Asking him to put a relationship of 4 months ahead of his son is wrong.

If your priorities are going out and having fun (perfectly normal at 22, not saying it's wrong) well a father in his mid thirties is not a good match for you. Get used to nights in or find a new man who suits your lifestyle better.

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs Sun 21-Feb-16 09:48:15

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but after 4 months of dating it is absolutely none of your concern what contact arrangements your BF and his ex make for their child. It sounds like his son is his priority. Great! That's how it should be.

I would rethink this relationship if I were you. It sounds like you're ok with the idea of his child in theory - as long as he doesn't actually impact on your life at all. That's not going to work going forward. Seriously, you're 22. Find someone who doesn't come with all these complications.

Maroonie Sun 21-Feb-16 09:49:07

can you have a chat with him about how your relationship will work if he never has time to see you?
If he wants to have his son on Fridays then that's obviously his choice and a valid choice but he needs to be realistic and accept that it means he probably shouldnt be in a relationship at the moment.

Only1scoop Sun 21-Feb-16 09:56:25

As long as he and son are happy with arrangement then that's all fine.

At 22 this doesn't sound much fun for you. Harsh I know but I'd step back and not get too bogged down in this new relationship.

Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:00:31

Yes I understand that, but he still lets this woman have so much say in his life!

its the fact that we literally have no time together now and he doesn't seem to understand that it's an issue for me. Every couple needs time to themselves!

hes always had his child at the weekends, but it's thre fact she's suddenly wanting it changed to a Friday instead of mid week. He won't ask her why, he just accepts it. That's my issue. Plus the fact we had plans on my birthday and she could have asked her mother (which she admitted) but my boyfriend feels like he can't say no.

VimFuego101 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:00:49

My DH's ex is like this. We've been married 7 years and haven't yet managed to take a holiday without her disrupting it in some way. I would spend some time reading the MN step parenting board and see what you might be letting yourself in for if you continue in this relationship. Of course it may just be coincidence that she wanted to change days, but I would take a step back if I were you.

Secretlove Sun 21-Feb-16 10:02:49

It's an issue for you but not for him. You can't tell him what to do. If he is happy with the arrangement that's his business.

expectantmum79 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:03:07

OP does have a say though as he chose to introduce her to his son and he chose to be in a relationship. I agree that 4 months is too soon but her DP and the ex have created this situation. I have children and wouldn't want them seeing their father 3 nights.
You may just need to walk away as others have said OP, depends how invested you are.

OurBlanche Sun 21-Feb-16 10:04:16

I'm feeling bitchy this morning, so: has your DP taken advice about reducing his maintenance, now he has his son for more time ever week?

But seriously, YABU. The mum may also being BU, but maybe she has had a change in her circumstances. For one parent to have every weekend is odd enough for it to be arranged around work, or other responsibility, rather than her just wanting her weekends free. So maybe she has had a change there. Maybe that is for your DP to sort out. After all, his DS probably won't want to spend every weekend with his dad for much longer.

lunar1 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:07:22

What his ex does is none of your business. Your boyfriend is happy having his son for three nights. The only thing that you have a say over is if you want to stay with him.

Blu Sun 21-Feb-16 10:09:45

How long ago did he split from his child's mother ?

I agree that in terms of people who are parents 4 months is a very new relationship and not one where you have call on expectations .

But looking at the situation as a whole, when does the child see his Mum? After school on Mon, Tue and Thu, and on Sun evenings ?

Is she in a new relationship too ?

Maroonie Sun 21-Feb-16 10:12:20

It's also going to mean that he doesn't have much quality time with his mum- I'm assuming he is at school Mon- Fri?
When My partner had his son 50/50 which included every weekend (mums choice) it wasn't great for his relationship with his mum.
Does he ever stay with grandparents or have sleepovers?
Thats the only nights we ever had to ourselves

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:13:52

By "this woman" you mean the mother of his only child yes? You sound really immature and more than a bit jealous.

Once again, its a 4 month relationship, you have no say on how often he has his son. I understand it must be frustrating as a young, childless woman to not be able to go out with your bf of a weekend - but you knew he had a child when you started this.

Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:16:28

They have been split up for 8 years now.

The mother of his child doesn't work, so sees the child before/after school. I think that's where the issue lies because she doesn't work so doesn't understand that having no time free is a strain?

My boyfriend admits he didn't really think about us having no time, he just said yes. But now thinks having him every Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be too much! I dunno. I feel like it's a mess and now I'm thinking I'm a shit person for wanting to spend at least just a few hours of time just him and me..

Lily94 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:18:24

Like I have previously said, it's not the weekend that is my issue. As it's been like that from the start, it's now he has his son every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The only day we had was a Friday

expectantmum79 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:23:32

Yes, but so did he and like I've said, he's chosen to be in the relationship and he at least needs to try and make it work or would you prefer he finds another girlfriend to introduce his child to and break up with in 4 months time?
I don't see why you can't call her 'this woman' either OP what do people expect you to call her? A goddess? He at least could ask her why Fridays and see if there's a genuine reason.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Sun 21-Feb-16 10:23:47

Haha, so a single mum who s

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