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abusive son - quite long but desperately need advice

(246 Posts)
purplenights Sun 21-Feb-16 08:59:37

My son (22) has always had an aggressive side and tbh I generally feel I have to walk on eggshells with him as he can be unpredictable. Historically he can get angry at inconsequential things and now he is an adult (he's 22 and still living at home) he has turned into the alpha male of the family (I have 2 daughters also living at home).

Last night he and his girlfriend were having a night in, and we had a nice evening watching tv. When he went up to bed, he discovered that one of our dogs had shat on his bed (I'd like to add that this is an unusual thing to have happened and the dogs are house trained). He absolutely exploded, swearing, threatening to 'kick the fucking dog' and generally being aggressive. His gf and I laughed it off, told him not to leave his bedroom door open and between us we changed the bedding. DS continued to shout and rant about chucking the dog down the stairs at which point I told him to stop over-reacting. He began to shout at me to get out of his fucking bedroom. I asked him to not swear and shout at me please, to which he replied fuck off fuck off fuck off repeatedly. I began to back off but decided to alpha him and so stepped into his personal space and said clearly 'please do not speak to your mother like that' he said 'well I just did so fuck off' and pushed me out of his room.

At this point (sorry this is quite long) my younger daughter (19) came into his room and shouted 'do not push her or shout at her like that, she's your mother'. She went to push him back and he grabbed her in a headlock and threw her on the bed holding her in a headlock. I was shouting at him to get off her, but DD said bravely, 'its ok mum, i'm not scared of him'. DD got up and pushed his chest, and he responded by putting his hands around her neck and pushing her out of the bedroom and then shoved her against the wall with his hands round her neck. I was shouting at him to get off her - her face was going red. He let go and shoved her against the wall again and left the house in his car.

Later I heard his GF speaking to him on the phone and he returned and went to bed. They have gone out for the day now with ExH who I have briefly given details of last night to. He said 'I'll deal with it'.

I just don't know what to do. I am so sorry this post is so long and hope that some people may have some advice. Should just add that ExH from whom I am amicably divorced is still very much present in our lives (we divorced 10 years ago).

lamingtonnutty Sun 21-Feb-16 09:08:42

I'd pack him a bag, leave it by the front door for when he returns, and tell him to find somewhere for the foreseeable future. If he thinks he can treat his mother/sisters like this, God knows how he will treat future partners or his current GF.

lamingtonnutty Sun 21-Feb-16 09:08:55

Hope you're okay though X

Hissy Sun 21-Feb-16 09:10:12

Your son needs to leave your house for a while.

Was your exh abusive?

sooperdooper Sun 21-Feb-16 09:12:51

How awful, I hope you and your dd are ok today?

I would be concerned about his gf -is he ever like this with her?

I think I'd be asking him to make plans to move out, you shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells the whole time in your own home and worrying what will set him off next sad

TheWitchsCat Sun 21-Feb-16 09:13:09

I would get the police involved (to shit him up and make him realise how serious this is) and yes, tell him to leave. Really difficult as he is your son but you also have two daughters to protect. I hope you're alright

LobsterQuadrille Sun 21-Feb-16 09:13:38

I completely second laming. If this was a DH, the answer would be unanimous that packing a bag, calling WA, possibly calling the police, above all protecting yourself and your DDs would be the right thing to do. The fact that he is your son makes is sad but he's an adult, he cannot behave like this in your home and your DDs must be protected and cannot grow up thinking that this is the norm. It's good that he's out with your exH - could he go to live with him?

I too hope that you and DD are OK.

AuditAngel Sun 21-Feb-16 09:14:15

I don't have experience of this, but it seems to me he has been allowed to rule the roost. To change his behaviour I think you need to make him realise he is not allowed to continue down this path,before it escalates further. Bag outside the door on his return, doors locked, key inside so he can't get in.

You have to protect yourself and your daughters.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Sun 21-Feb-16 09:14:54

What would you do if you witnessed your dd's boyfriend put his hands around her throat until her face went red? (Presumably call the police?) Do that.

As a minimum you need to kick your son out. Your Dd needs to be safe in her home. Stop putting the abuser first.

BIWI Sun 21-Feb-16 09:15:15

If it's ramping up recently, has he started taking steroids?

winkywinkola Sun 21-Feb-16 09:16:45

What an absolute nightmare. I feel very sorry forgot and your dd. He has to go. You can't allow this to happen again.

Will he attack his girlfriend next? Perhaps he already has. sad

Was he aggressive as a child? Teen?

I hope you can have a nice safe home life now.

louisatwo Sun 21-Feb-16 09:18:45

OP, this can't continue. It is assault.
There are a range of possibilities - the police being at the top of the list, insisting he moves out (as he's a danger to you and your daughter). As a parent it is your responsibility to protect all your children as well as yourself. People with anger issues usually successfully ensures that no one challenges them because everyone is frightened of triggering the anger.
And as for your ex dealing with it.... it happened in your house and to you so no, you need to deal with it. He can support if that helps but only by reiterating the same message that you choose:
'Leave my house now.
I will consider whether you may return when you can prove that you behave as a responsible adult'.

You are in charge (and I get that there's more negotiation when children are older) but he's not an alpha male - his behaviour is bullying and abusive and not very nice I'm afraid!

Branleuse Sun 21-Feb-16 09:21:09

he needs to leave. You need to protect your daughter even if you cant protect yourself, and i pity his girlfriend. She will be next

Inertia Sun 21-Feb-16 09:23:28

You need to call the police. He could have killed your daughter. She needs medical attention as she could be injured.

You also need to kick your son out of the hose and get the locks changed today while he is out.

Please put your daughters' safety ahead of loyalty to your son. Their lives may depend on it.

BIWI Sun 21-Feb-16 09:29:59

And yes, I'd be telling him to leave as well.

If he was a family friend, lodger etc, instead of your son, what would you do?

Skiptonlass Sun 21-Feb-16 09:34:02

Please take your daughter to get checked. Throttle injuries always need to be looked at - they can cause damage that isn't immediately apparent.

flippinada Sun 21-Feb-16 09:35:23

That was horrific reading. I can only imagine how frightened you all must have been, especially your DD.

I agree with PP that you should report this to the police. He could killed her.

flippinada Sun 21-Feb-16 09:36:13

And yes, get your daughter's injuries logged and checked out. How is she this morning?

Yseulte Sun 21-Feb-16 09:38:45

Hands round the neck is seen as a gateway assault by the police. You need to call them today. You must protect your daughters and also other women.

Your son most certainly must leave the family home.

Gowgirl Sun 21-Feb-16 09:40:30

I have two brothers that were like this, my mum pandered to the boys and let them get away with it, kick him the fuck out!

Quodlibet Sun 21-Feb-16 09:42:59

Agree you need to tell him to leave.
By putting up with this you are also giving your daughters the lesson that they have to tolerate and tiptoe around male violence.

You can help your son by signposting him to anger management resources, but allowing him to live at home and treat women like this is damaging to everyone including him.

flippinada Sun 21-Feb-16 09:45:51

Also as PP have said, he must leave. I know it's easy for us to say on here but you can't let him back in after what he's done.

Due to the seriousness of this I think you need to look at getting real life support in place today, as a priority. And please don't leave it with your XH to deal with.

shouldiblowthewhistle Sun 21-Feb-16 09:47:33

OP that was awful to read. I'm sorry for you and your DD's experience.

Hands around the throat is a very, very serious sign of physical abuse.

I would call the police and press charges. Otherwise, where will it stop?

And I would also get your daughter's injuries logged/checked out as pp have said.

goodnightdarthvader1 Sun 21-Feb-16 09:47:40

As PP said, kick him out. He has no respect for you or his sisters.

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