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Scared of the future

(54 Posts)
withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 21-Feb-16 08:29:04

I have a few posts on here. Story is, after 12 years of marriage, it looks like DH no longer loves me and wants to leave the marriage.

I am beyond devastated. I don't want this to happen and had no idea he felt this way because he didn't mention it until he'd decided.

He's agreed not to go anywhere or make any decisions just yet as it's so close to a bereavement that I think it's connected. He doesn't.

Anyway, he thinks that this can be handled well and that the children (4 at primary age) will not be damaged. I think he is deluded. I also think he think we'll get on well and remain friends. I know I'll find that hard.

He's talking about living nearby and still parenting by taking them to school and collecting them.

I'm not sure I'm going to want to see him every morning.

I also feel cross that this is happening in my early 40s. We were supposed to be forever - I didn't want to be having to look for a new relationship at this time in my life (when the time comes).

I feel angry and scared.

Please tell me your stories. How old were you? How did it work out?

ohforfoxsake Sun 21-Feb-16 08:56:07

I'm really sorry OP. It's beyond shit.

Can he afford somewhere to accommodate your DCs?

Living close by is a cop out. Doing school runs isn't parenting. Does he intend to have them all overnight at the same time?

Like you, I have 4dcs. EX refused to get anywhere big enough as he didn't 'want to feel lonely and rattle around'. He will have 3 of the 4 individually. Dc4 isn't interested. They have no relationship, he doesn't try to establish one. Rather he bleats about how 'sad' he is not to see her to the other DCs so they will do his dirty work.

He texts my DCs to ask who is here, who's car is that in the drive etc.

He ditches the DCs if his GF is up. It makes me nervous to go out incase I bump into them. (She pre-dates our split of course).

I see him off out for the night, when I'm struggling home laden with shopping. I have to pay babysitters when I go out. I have no family near by. His family are quite close, but never offer to help. They will come and stay if I ask them, but last time they did he stayed too. And slept in my bed.

ohforfoxsake Sun 21-Feb-16 08:59:40

I'm actually a lot more resentful now because of how things are now than I was when we split. I have a new relationship but it's impossible because of the way things are with XH. Tread very carefully OP, be firm from the out set. Sounds to me like your H is having a crisis (I hate the term mid-life crisis as I think it's an excuse to behave appallingly) but with what you said about the bereavement would he be receptive to bereavement counselling?

ohforfoxsake Sun 21-Feb-16 09:02:10

Oh and at the risk of taking over your thread, my DCs are ok. I was very supportive if XH, we had mediation and only discussed out separation there. If you want to PM me I'm happy to share my experience but have vented too much and probably outed myself on here now!

RandomMess Sun 21-Feb-16 09:06:29

I think I'm aware of your other posts and I agree you need to look after yourself and think longer term.

I would believe that it is really going to happen and ensure that you separate emotionally. So no popping into YOUR home everyday etc, no leaning on you to support him.

I would rip of the plaster very quick - either the process will be over much more quickly or he will realise that it isn't what he wants.

Do not give him your support, help etc and emotionally drain you dry or him never to come back.

Do you work - FT/PT???

dilys4trevor Sun 21-Feb-16 09:13:15

sponge, I'm going through something similar although my husband had an affair, I found out, threw him out, he begged to come back, I wasn't convinced, his job looked shaky and then he killed himself.

Thanks for that. Fucking mess, created out of an idiot led around by his cock and ego (but too feeble minded to deal with the consequences).

But our situations are similar as I am also mourning the future I thought I was going to have. I've since realised he was actually EA but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I have three DCs under 7 and am finding it so hard. I feel low a lot of the time.

I did start a post about a week ago asking for positive stories of life after being suddenly single with lots of kids and got some nice responses. I can't work out how to link it but it was called 'Life after a horrendous experience.'

Much love to you. Maybe PM me as I suspect we are feeling similar.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 21-Feb-16 10:11:30

Oh dylis that is awful. I hope you are OK?

DH's job has been iffy for about 5 years because of privatisation. It's been more settled for the past year, and the next year is secure-ish, too but after that it could be iffy again. He quite likes it, but has suddenly been given more responsibility lately (in the last month).

He'll be managing the person I initially thought he was having a 'thing' with. I have huge problems regarding her still. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she doesn't become significant at some point. It breaks my heart. All he wants is to have his own terraced house in the city nearby with three bedrooms, for the kids to stay, to go to work and for it to be his space. He feels no connection to our house at all. I suggested we could move somewhere else. I do like it here and the schools are good, but I would move. But I think it's too late.

Interestingly, we were intimate this morning. I seem not to repulse him at least and things are friendly and relaxed between us this morning, but we had a big fall out at one point last night. We were daciaskbg painful things and it escalated quickly. I think this is why we need to get some relationship counselling involved. It might not fix things, but it might help us to keep it amicable.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 21-Feb-16 10:12:32


withaspongeandarustyspanner Sun 21-Feb-16 10:14:39

He doesn't want bereavement counselling because he doesn't believe he is grieving.

RandomMess Sun 21-Feb-16 13:51:38

I think you really need to look after yourself and detach yourself emotionally from him.

He already has in his mind what he wants and it does sound like he wants the freedom to go out and find someone else I'm afraid.


petalsandstars Sun 21-Feb-16 13:57:47

Fucking hell- sorry for swearing but your H doesn't love you and wants to leave your marriage and you're still happy to have sex with him.

I appreciate your all over the place but you need to put some boundaries in now.

If he wants to make this decision - don't do the pick me dance!

Stop doing things for him cooking/laundry etc.

He doesn't get the right to share your bed anymore.

dilys4trevor Sun 21-Feb-16 19:45:07

Yes and sadly, the thing you suspected with the OW is probably an actual thing.

Please don't have sex with him and then say 'at least I don't repulse him.' He is not worth you or this angst.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Mon 22-Feb-16 07:39:22

You know, I don't think it is an actual physical thing. I think they get on well, and if I'm honest I can imagine her cropping up again. She did leave her husband recently.

ohforfoxsake Mon 22-Feb-16 10:31:05

There's a useful book by Christina MCGhee called Parenting Apart. It's really helpful for all stages of the process.

dilys4trevor Mon 22-Feb-16 22:23:44

I had some good advice yesterday, which was not to worry at all about the future. Sounds easy to say, but my friend who said it made the point that prior to booting out my husband and his subsequent death, I had been pretty glum about the prospect of being with him forever; it had just seemed the better of all options to just stay in the marriage. In fact, when anyone (even happily marrieds) tries to think long term about the future it's pretty scary and unknown once past a certain age; parents dying, H's dying, divorce, illness, financial issues etc. None of us can confidently plan a future and have it nailed on anyway.

This comforted me. Here and now (and a bit in advance) is all any of us can do.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 23-Feb-16 06:38:16

Yes, I see that the future is not promised to any of us - particularly after my brother-in-law's untimely death. And maybe this is where DH is coming from too. And yes, there have been times where DH has driven me crazy and I've wondered if we'd last and I've doubted the future too. But the thing that has ALWAYS happened, is that my feelings have changed and softened and returned. DH just seems absolutely rigid in this view that his won't. And I don't know how he knows that, seeing this is the first time this has happened for him. He told me last night that he has changed and I'm no longer what he wants. I know I keep saying it and I sound like a stuck record, but it is SO sudden that it is hard to take in. Maybe I am in denial. He is trying to work on it - he said he will do that much.

I didn't sleep much last night despite the meds. I was tormented all night about the woman from work. I can't bear the thought of them being together. He said it's the furthest things from his mind. And maybe it was, but he can be very suggestible about some things and I worry I've actually put the thought in his head.

This feels like when we broke up when we were 17. I remember the phone call 'it's not really working is it? Let's split up and stay friends' which is OK when you are 17 and just a girlfriend and have the future ahead of you, but when you are a wife and a mother to his children and you've fewer options for the future, it's going to be really painful. I'm going to have to see him. It took me long enough to get over him as a teenager - I always thought of him and even met up occasionally with him throughout the years after, even when we were both with other people. I can't imagine having to send our kids round to be with him and his new partner. It physicall hurts.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 23-Feb-16 06:39:45


wannabestressfree Tue 23-Feb-16 06:49:23

Oh lovey. If he is rigid then take back some power and get the ball rolling. Your pain is evident in every post. Please stop making yourself so emotionally and physically available to him and get angry.... this is your life, your family. How dare he?

Christinayangstwistedsista Tue 23-Feb-16 06:50:35

You need to define your boundaries and find your voice Why are you having sex with him, he has told you he doesn't want to be with you-

dilys4trevor Tue 23-Feb-16 07:56:14

The only way you will find strength is in taking control.

You haven't put the thought in his head. It's likely very much already there.

When my husband seemed 'off' I told him to move out and said that if he didn't want to be here, I wanted him out. Every time I said this he seemed to panic and improve, saying he didn't want to go. When I eventually discovered an affair I threw him out. Cue a week of begging and pleading, which put me very much in control (I decided what I was hearing still wasn't good enough). He ended up committing suicide, which I'm obviously not saying would be a good outcome (!), but my point is that saying 'sorry, but I expect respect, love and honesty and if you can't provide it, leave' is the very best thing you can do. I think you need to get rid of this guy, who sounds like he has never been properly committed, but if you do want him to see the error of his ways and realise he loves you after all, the only way to get that is to show you have self respect. Being available when he has told you you are not desired will only make you less desired.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 23-Feb-16 08:08:45

He does love me - he has said he has, but he's not 'in love with me'. Whatever that means. He didn't seem to know either only that he said he can't see a future for us. How can he not? We have DCs - however you look at it - I am part of his future.

I never thought he would do this. Not in a million years. He would move out tomorrow. He has said if he does leave, it will be permanent - so it's not him that is engineering this. I want him to stay because I think he will change his mind. I've known him for so long, I know how he works. I knew he was being off before he did. How can someone who loves someone so much once feel nothing practically overnight?

Yes, I am hurting. I've never felt pain like this.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 23-Feb-16 08:11:23

He really has been properly committed in the past. I've never doubted it. Not once. Until now.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 23-Feb-16 08:39:19

WHY did you have sex with him last night? Seriously? You said in your OP that you were angry and scared. Did you just suddenly switch to not being angry and scared but horny? Or do you think if you fuck him enough he will change his mind, fall back in love with you and all will be hearts and flowers?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or blunt or unreasonable but quite frankly you need to get that anger back and pronto and take fucking charge of your life and protect you and your kids.

I can't get my head around this, especially based on your updates and previous postings.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 23-Feb-16 09:27:25

I can't get my head around it, either. I don't expect you to. But really, carry on being harsh. It's really helping.

withaspongeandarustyspanner Tue 23-Feb-16 15:35:27

I saw a therapist today. She doesn't think I should kick him out. She thinks it's too close to the bereavement for any decision like that to be made.

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