Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Fed up of being a stay at home nanny, a full time cleaner, a full time chef....

(43 Posts)
spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 16:54:40

Totally fed up of my husband at the moment and have been for Some time. We have been married for 5 years and up until the last 2 years he was not to bad, did his fair share at home as did i and we both worked full time.

We recently had a baby, 8 months old now and im just about to return from maternity leave, i will be going back to work 3 days a week. I feel like i do everything, where my husband does nothing apart from work. His argument seems to be that i dont have a 'real job' and that i earn less than him so that seems to let him off.

I cook his breakfast, dinner and make his packed lunch for work every day.
I do his washing.
I pick up all his stuff as he will literally leave it where it falls.
I clean the house (he has maybe done the dishes once)
I look after my son whilst he does nothing with him.

All this and working 3 days a week is going to be unbearable.

Anytime i have a go at him that he needs to pull his weight and im fed up he either says sorry and changes....for a day max or gives me the argument of that he earns more and until i get a 'real job' nothings going to change.

Im not necessarily very unhappy, but im not really happy in my mariage. All the above culminates in me not really wanting to have sex with him as why would i if i feel so worthless to him - which is causing a strain as he is constantly pestering me for sex. He also constantly gropes me and touches me with me pushing him away all the time.

I just dont know what to do

Marchate Sat 20-Feb-16 17:02:05

Well, only you can say if you're prepared to stay in the relationship...

Make a couple of lists. Reasons to stay/why it would be better without him. It sounds rubbish from this distance but only you know which is the longer list!

RudeElf Sat 20-Feb-16 17:04:42

So stop doing it. He can cook his own breakfast, make his own lunch, wash his own clothes.

As for the sex pest? Ugh. Attractive. Is he 14?

spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 17:06:52

Yes true,

Hes not a bad guy, he has been brilliant in some respects for me, but its just the sheer laziness and trying to pidgeon hole me into the role of 'housewife' (which i told him i wasnt prepared to be and wanted an equal relationship before we got married)...but not we are married he seems to expect that from me. I wouldnt mind as much is i was a sahm, but i will be working as well!

spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 17:10:09

Rudelf, Thats what ive just in last 2 days started. Any shite he leaves about and his washing ive dumped in a pile on our bedroom floor (if i left it where it was it would piss me off too much) and ive not cooked him anything so hes just been eating slices of bread hmm

RudeElf Sat 20-Feb-16 17:13:52

Well thats his choice to eat bread. Dont go back to cooking for him. I'll tell you now i'm as lazy as they come when food is involved and pretty much live on toast and pasta. I havent suffered for it. My belly will attest to that. Leave him to it. He'll be grand. And yes, keep shoving his shite round his side of the bed. Just accept that's how its going to be now. Unless he gets fed up of his own crap and starts putting it away.

OldCrowMedicineShow Sat 20-Feb-16 17:16:48

Stop doing the first three things on that list for a start. Demand that he stops the groping and pawing too, vile and adds to your resentment.

AntiqueSinger Sat 20-Feb-16 17:18:40

Wow you are a superwomanflowers

Unfortunately I think you may have to accept that your husband may not change.

Even refusing sex has not resulted in the the penny dropping that you are overwhelmed, tired, feeling unsexy and under-appreciated.

If your husband was like this before you married him, I'm afraid that he's unlikely to have a sudden realisation that you need a little chipping in.

You say he does nothing with your DS. Do you mean that literally? Can he at least take him out to the park in the buggy for a couple of hours a few days a week/end to give you a break?

Do you have to go back to work? Because my advice would be to say 'I'm thinking of giving up work' and when you are questioned as to why, and told 'we can't afford you not to work' etc, sweetly explain that you just won't be able to continue until you get more practical help. If he wants the traditional woman at home, man at work setup, fine; let him have it. BUT he can't have his cake and eat it too.

22neve2326 Sat 20-Feb-16 17:19:42

Not a real job? Omg. If all of this stuff is so easy and not a big deal why can't he do it himself? I was reading an article the other day that said a stay at home mum would be on a salary of 80000+ if they were to be paid for everything they do at home. They provide emotional support to kids. Cook clean run errands etc etc
Maybe you should start charging him for all the stuff you do based on local rates 😄 Would love to see his face then.

spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 17:20:55

Oldcrow - i know, i dont know why he cant understant that i dont want to be groped and poked at all the time...and then wonders why i dont want to have sex with him. All the touching etc is putting me off him. Its like the less sex we have the more and more he comes onto me and gropes me and the more i push him away.

I dont understand, he never used to be as full on as this. Ive never had a huge libido, and although im confident inmthe bedroom i have never been one to initiate things that often and his reasoning is that if he 'didnt try to start anything, then it would never happen'

Whenwillwe3meetagain Sat 20-Feb-16 17:23:04

What does he do with the baby?

spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 17:27:56

Antique- not that i would particulalry want to not work, but financially we cant. We couldnt live on just his wage as its very small, mine is just slightly smaller (especially as im on maternity and despite working 40+ hours my work are only paying me for my 'contracted hours' of 12 per week...which has resulted in us being very skint! And im applying to go back to uni to retrain to get a better paid job)

My usual comeback is well when you get a job that can soley support us il happily stay at home and do all those things but he just laughs at me.

I think sex is the last straw at the moment...its like you can try and get me to do the cooking cleaning raising a child but you cant expext me to put out whenever you want as well....sad

In a usual week he will maybe change 1 nappy (after me asking and asking and asking) and play with ds for 20 mins before 'giving him back to me'. After lots of begging he said he would stay up with ds for a whole night to give me a break (ds is a bad sleeper) but he ended up waking me up every 30 mins anyway asking where this was and that was and how do i do this etc angry

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 20-Feb-16 17:29:59

The pawing and the groping of you are not overtures to intimacy. They are statements of ownership. Have a think about that for a moment.

I think you need to make it crystal-clear to him that as long as your contribution to the household is not respected, that you're bloody shagged out at having everything left to you the more resentful you will feel and consequently the less likely you are to welcome any sexual overtures from him. It's very difficult to feel warm towards someone who constantly shows their disrespect for you.

spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 17:31:41

I take ds to 3 things a week, a baby class, a parent and baby/todler group and swimming and he refuses to come with me. The baby class he came once and then wouldnt go again as he said he 'felt uncomfortable as there werent many men' (which is bullshit as hes not the sort of guy to let anythign like that stop him doing anything) and eveytime i say will you come swimming he makes an excuse everytime that hes got xyz to do...and when i come home he hasnt moved to do anything.

spillyobeans Sat 20-Feb-16 17:33:53

Butter- i know, indid try and say that to him and he said 'well if i didnt try and start anything, you never would' and said that i never touch him or come up to him and come on to him.

pinkyredrose Sat 20-Feb-16 17:44:13

He laughs at you! shock That alone is divorcable let alone the groping angry and him taking you for granted.

Can you fuck off somewhere for a few days and leave him to do everything so he can get an inkling as to the reality of life with a baby, his baby that he presumably wanted. He's acting like he's donated his sperm and goes to work and that's his full contribution to running the household.

pinkyredrose Sat 20-Feb-16 17:44:57

Why would you want to shag someone who treats you like a 24/7 maid?

shutupandshop Sat 20-Feb-16 17:48:07

Why oh why would you make every meal for him including his pack up AND pick up stuff after her drops it. Is he 3? Infact my 3 year behaves better.

gleekster Sat 20-Feb-16 17:48:28

spilly this sounds pretty shit.

Do you ever go out with friends? Not necessarily all night clubbing, but for a pizza and a chat, to the cinema, round to a mates for a bottle of wine?

What happens on DPs days off? Please don't tell me he has some "hobby" that takes up all his free time?

You need to start doing stuff for yourself and don't you dare let him refer to himself as "babysitting" his own child. Has he even noticed you aren't skivvying for him? What has he said?

Heatherjayne1972 Sat 20-Feb-16 17:49:40

I was married to a groper its like being sexually assaulted in your own home and is a big part of the reason he's now an ex.- I think they don't realise that's a major turn off You do need to be blunt with him about the childcare/ housework situation tho

shutupandshop Sat 20-Feb-16 17:51:04

He hac a proper job? Is yours pretend, do you spend all day pretending to serve customers, type on a toy typewriter of play shop? Do you get monopoly money? If not you do have a proper job.

Elizabethreallyismissing Sat 20-Feb-16 18:00:30

What an entitled twat! Entitled to drop his stuff everywhere for you to pick up, waited on hand and foot and entitled to grope you and touch you whenever he wants! Yuck!
What's the situation with your house & finances (OP)? I would be extremely wary of giving up my financial independence in this situation especially as you are not married!
A man like this is likely to get worse if you are financial!ly dependent on him.

BubblingUp Sat 20-Feb-16 18:02:58

When you do go back to work 3 days/week you will have to scale back your taking care of everything - just as a natural consequence to the situation. It will be interesting to see if he steps up, fills in some of the gaps.

If he eats bread all the time he will get constipated and he will suffer those natural consequences and make changes on his own (we hope). I just kinda would do nothing now and wait until your work resumes and see what happens. I would probably find full time work so he can't throw the "but your work less" card at you and because it's always good to be able to support yourself. He sounds immature.

BarbarianMum Sat 20-Feb-16 18:03:08

Don't give up work! Your relationship needs to be very secure and full of mutual respect before SAHM is an option.

stitchglitched Sat 20-Feb-16 18:07:49

I would tell him what a disappointment he was as both a husband and a parent and that I was reconsidering the marriage. Maybe that will shock him into becoming a decent person, though sadly I doubt it. He is lazy and entitled, has no interest in his own baby or concern for your welfare. I think you'd be better off going it alone.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now