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Dilemma I'm in wrong but angry with bil

(36 Posts)
MusicMum18 Sat 20-Feb-16 08:28:14

My bil is a loser. He stole 2000 pounds off my dh when he went to Oz and hid his card in his parents house whilst he was away for safekeeping. His bil spent 2000 pounds on alcohol and prostitutes. He is a waste of space and I don't make any bones about the fact that I don't like him. We went to a comedy club too for dhs birthday and he was high on drugs and shouted out racist comments to the comedian on stage. He is a total arse. Oh he was also thousands in debt which he managed to get written off. He's also taken out a loan in his wife's name and his dad my fil has bailed him out. Again. He doesn't learn.

I've just found out that he has facebooked messaged my dh asking him to lend him money for today. My dh and his brother are on a stag do. I'm on zero pay as I'm on last few months of maternity leave and the last thing he should be doing is asking my dh for money for a stag do. The thing is my dh is so kind, always puts his family first, and if I'm honest,will probably lend him the money.

However, I'm at fault because I only know about this Facebook message from my bil because I have been on my dhs facebook without my dhs permission. I closed my facebook as I was hacked, but my dh left his facebook page on and I saw his password and I've been going on his facebook account without his knowledge. Not to spy as I trust him, but just to have a nose on what our friends are doing, their baby pics etc.

I want to confront my dh and tell him I know about his brothers demands but he will then think I've been spying. Don't want his brother having our money. He's said he'd pay it back, but he won't. What should I do?

offside Sat 20-Feb-16 08:33:37

Hugely missing the point, but surely when you're catching up on your friends lives, there is no need to check your DH that aspect not snooping?

Anyway, you either have to own up to snooping or don't say anything at all. Your call.

LIZS Sat 20-Feb-16 08:37:18

Shouldn't you be angry at dh for indulging and enabling his brothers behaviour at your expense? I'd question how bil could spend 2k on a card without access to the PIN number, did he report the theft?

Finola1step Sat 20-Feb-16 08:40:41

I think you should open a new fb account pronto and add your dh as a friend.

But you have to be very careful what you say about this current situation. You could do a "something has been on my mind about this stag do. I'm just a bit worried that things will get out of hand with your brother. The last thing we need is bailing him out or giving him money." Be very careful though.

Whocansay Sat 20-Feb-16 09:23:42

I'd come clean and apologise. Then I'd make him aware that you and your child should be his priority and not his brother. He should not be giving family money away without consulting you especially when things are so tight.

Katenka Sat 20-Feb-16 09:27:27

If you wanted to use his FB to have nosey at friends pages, why didn't you just ask him to use it?

Or tell him at least?

It doesn't make sense that you would hide it, if that's really what you were looking for.

Your BIL is a grade a twat. But I would be angry if dh was going into my FB, phone or anything without my knowledge. If he asked I wouldn't have an issue.

I think you need to come clean and discuss it all.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 20-Feb-16 09:28:09

Tricky. I think that is snooping. I just ask my Dh to look at his FB to see what everyone's up to. I just wouldn't dream of logging in to his account without his knowledge. I'd be furious of Dh was looking at any of my stuff withiut asking.

However, your BIL is a money taking arse. I think id have to say something to Dh as that situation needs nipping in the bud.

MusicMum18 Sat 20-Feb-16 09:42:12

If I'm honest yes maybe I was snooping, and I know it was wrong, but I feel a bit neglected at the moment, we have a 10mth old daughter and I feel like my dh is losing interest in me a bit. He works so hard and is understandably when at home mad about dd and I'm busy cooking and cleaning and caring for them both, and I feel like we don't communicate much anymore. I didn't do it through lack of trust, I did it just to see what's going on in his life as we don't have much conversation at the moment. I know that it's still snooping though!

At the time, yes I was angry. I came extremely close to walking out on dh. We had numerous rows etc as we couldn't afford to decorate our house, meanwhile bil getting drunk etc when should've been using the money to pay us back. Hard for me because i don't feel part of my in laws' family. They tend to hush everything up and hide their heads in the carpet, which is what they've done with bil. He's paid us back in full (this all happened about 10 years ago, but clearly he's not learnt his lesson as getting loan out a few months ago in wife's name, she left him for a few weeks and was going to report to the police but he wormed his way back in)

He was able to access the account as he has same initials as my dh, went into bank, pretended to be him, forged signature, answered security questions etc. Yes it was dh fault for leaving card at parents house but in his defence it was hidden away. What upset me more at the time was that we were scrimping and bil going out drinking when he should've been paying us back. It took a while for me to make dh take action, nearly at the expense of splitting us up.

I've kind of done what finial suggested thanks for that advice! I just texted dh telling him I'm worried about his brother asking him for money. I've told him loads of times in the past of this worry so it's nothing new, he won't know I've been snooping. He replied saying he wouldn't do that to me again. I have to, and do trust him when he says that. We'll talk about it more when he gets home. Ideally I want dh to tell me that his brother has asked him. Then when I see him next I will have a quiet word and will tell him that if he ever puts my dh in that position again, then I will kill him. Not literally of course!

And I'm not going to facebook snoop any more!

BarbarianMum Sat 20-Feb-16 09:43:36

I think you should sit your dh down and have a serious chat about financial planning, spending and saving now you are having a baby. Loans to your BiL should be part of that (based on past history, you don't need to mention Facebook).
However you arrange your finances, there needs to be a high level of openness between you - unless you are planning to shoulder the financial responsibility for this baby alone.

And if now or in the future your dh does lend money that you can't afford, get cross with him not your BiL. Parasites always want more but you don't have to say "yes" to them.

MusicMum18 Sat 20-Feb-16 09:53:39

Sorry let me clarify, we do sit down and plan finances. He loaned to my bil in the early days when we met, about 15 years ago. But after he stole money from my dh just before we got married, we agreed that neither of us would lend money without the others agreement (not that I've ever lent money I don't agree with it). Since the theft 10 yrs ago we've not lent my bil anything at all. Bt now he clearly feels that since all this time has passed he can go back to his old tricks. I've never forgiven him and barely on speaking terms.

Yes I agree with you barbarian that we don't have to say yes to this parasite bil. But it makes me cross with bil that he's my dhs brother and is meant to love him and yet puts him in this position after he knows it nearly split us up last time. My dh sees the best in everyone and he tries to takes advantage. That upsets me.

He even texted me that he didn't think that his brother would ask for money, obviously in knew he had via Facebook but I couldn't say as he'd know I've been on.

Finola1step Sat 20-Feb-16 09:59:38

It could be that your dh doesn't tell you because he always says "No" to any requests for money from BIL. That the requests and refusals are so common place that your dh doesn't see it as put of the ordinary. He refuses so no need to tell you.

Cabrinha Sat 20-Feb-16 10:00:43

I think you should forget about your BIL and concentrate on your marriage.

So far you've moved on this thread from "I'm not snooping" to "OK, I'm snooping but it's just to feel closer to him, I trust, honest"


You feel your husband is disengaged so you read his fb page to connect? confused you read his messages! That's not just checking what crappy memes his mates are posting, is it?!

If you don't trust him, don't be afraid to admit - to yourself - that you have a niggling worry. Otherwise you've no chance to address it.

AutumnLeavesArePretty Sat 20-Feb-16 10:07:52

So you want him to tell you the truth over one request but you don't plan on owning up that you have gained his password and been spying on him. Double standards come to mind.

It doesnt sound like he intends to borrow him any money and if you are that short where would he get it from anyway?

MusicMum18 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:27:18

Cabrinha you have a point. I think initially I wasn't snooping, I was just seeing what our friends were doing, then at the top it flashed up 2 for messages and 3 for notifications, so I just clicked. I'm not a facebook expert so didn't really know what the little icons were. But obviously I saw there were personal messages and had little look.

I do trust him in that I know he will do what is right by me and my dd. But I don't trust his family. And because they are his family I know he will try and help them and be there for them no matter what. Even if they are right or wrong. So I checked his messages because I don't trust that he will out me before his family. They say blood is thicker than water. Sometimes (not all the time) I feel that is true for my dh. He hates it when I slag off his brother even though deep down I know he agrees.

So in answer to your I don't trusty him when it comes to his family. Scared there'll take advantage and he won't tell me as he'd know I'd be cross.

Katenka Sat 20-Feb-16 10:42:59

You can't be annoyed at dh for not telling you that his brother asked for money, again, but then think it's ok for you to hide that you have been snooping.

If your marriage is struggling (not at all unusual when you have a baby) then you need to concentrate on that.

Snooping is not ok nor does it make you closer to dh, or solve any issues. If anything it does the opposite. As it has now.

You are having a half converstation because neither of you are telling each other the whole truth.

Katenka Sat 20-Feb-16 10:43:36

And if it didn't start as snooping why not just tell him you were using his Facebook

MusicMum18 Sat 20-Feb-16 10:59:58

I'm not cross with dh, he doesn't know yet his brother is asking for money. I saw the unread message this morning asking for money, he hadn't seen it, but will find out when he sees his brother on the stag do and he asks him in person for money.

Yes I could tell him I was using his facebook but then I wouldn't be able to keep an eye on his brother. He worms back in and my dh is too nice sometimes. I don't trust people when I've been burnt.

Like I said, I'd trust dh with anything, but don't trust that he wouldn't help his family if he can, financially if they need it. He wouldn't tell me as he knows I'd kick off because of the past, which I would!

It's hard because it's dhs family.

AyeAmarok Sat 20-Feb-16 11:03:12

OP, stop trying to justify your snooping on FB with "I didn't know how it works" as you're discrediting yourself. You had your own Facebook, you knew you were clicking on messages.

That bit is done. It's wrong but people will understand that when you feel there is a distance growing between you and you're in a vulnerable position (new baby, mat leave etc) then that drives people to do things that you shouldn't, and wouldn't do if you were feeling secure in your relationship. It's understandable, there is no need for people to keep hammering you for it and you contorting yourself.

The main issue is this lending money to BIL.

Do you and your DH share finances? You say the BIL hasn't asked for money for 10 years - bit the one time you start reading messages you see one asking and your DH denies he's asked? That's an unlikely coincidence.

Is it possible he's been lending him small amounts this whole time and not telling you? Would you notice money going in and out of your joint account? Or is his money separate?

I just think that if BIL hadn't asked for 10 years, genuinely, then it would be a surprise to your DH that he'd asked again and he'd tell you. If he habitually asked and DH hasn't told you then I'd be a bit pissed off. If your DH has been habitually lending money all this time and not telling you, I'd be LIVID.

How sure can you be he hasn't lent a penny in ten years.

AyeAmarok Sat 20-Feb-16 11:04:58

Ah, cross-post, sorry.

zipzap Sat 20-Feb-16 11:22:44

If you clicked to read the message then your dh will soon know that you have used his Facebook at least once because he will realise he hasn't seen the messages that are marked 'read at [time]' and know that he wasn't on Facebook at the time...

Finola1step Sat 20-Feb-16 15:14:42

zipzap has made a good point.

RaspberryOverload Sat 20-Feb-16 15:56:43

It's hard because it's dhs family.

He chose to marry and have a family with you. You and your DC should be his primary focus.

But I'd be surprised if his brother has gone years without asking for money, and tbh would suspect that money has been lent before now.

MusicMum18 Sat 20-Feb-16 15:59:00

So do you think I should ask dh, but how will I know the exact truth. He'd tell me what I want to hear whether it's the truth or not!

AnyFucker Sat 20-Feb-16 16:03:25

The problem here is that you don't trust your husband

With good reason, as I see it

Katenka Sat 20-Feb-16 16:07:22

I find it odd that you 'trust him with anything, apart from his family' and yet won't tell him you saw the message so you can still keep check.

You either trust him or you don't. You are starting to justify snooping and that's not ok.

You need to be honest and tell him you don't trust him when it comes to his family.

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