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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Am I right to be suspicious?

43 replies

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 17:54

DP had an EA 3 years ago with a woman very different to myself.

He confessed, and everything has been ok since then. We have been together 4 years so the EA was soon into the start of our relationship.

Coincidentally, I happened to be in the same place as DP (he didn't know I was there), when he ran into her. They clearly hadn't seen or spoken to each other in a while. He didn't have to stop and talk to her, but he did. All this sounds reasonable, I guess they have no reason to not be civil to each other and given they work together I would expect that.

What irks me is that I managed to hear/lip read his parting words to her, and they were something along the lines of 'you look good/well'.

AIBU to be majorly pissed off by this?

OP posts:

Report

KramerVSKramer · 19/02/2016 17:57

No. You're not. He needs to show some self control and especially when you're present. How disrespectful.

Hassled · 19/02/2016 17:58

On the one hand - yes, if I were you it would have pissed me off a bit too. No-one wants to hear their DP still thinks the woman they had an EA with is looking good.

On the other hand it's just the sort of meaningless thing you say to someone you haven't seen in a while, isn't it? I say it all the time, just to be nice. I haven't necessarily even fully registered how well they look.

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 17:59

Ok thank you. He didn't know I was there. Good thing as I guess I was able to see what he is truly like, but awful as the reality was not good.

I find it highly inappropriate of him to comment on her looking well. I don't think that is something you say normally to the opposite sex?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 19/02/2016 18:00

Inevitably given the history, you're upset. But unless you have reason to believe he's cheating again, I can't see anything wrong with a brief chat with her and a 'you're looking well', given that they met accidentally.

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:01

Hassled, I agree, but what irks me is that he said it at the end. That was his parting comment.

I want to confront him today, but I am not sure what to say?

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 19/02/2016 18:01

I say 'you look great/ well' to men and to women.

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:03

Ok seems I may be over reacting slightly....

OP posts:

lanbro · 19/02/2016 18:05

I would say 'you're looking well' to anyone I hadn't seen for a while regardless of sex....

Jan45 · 19/02/2016 18:06

I might tell another female she looks great but not a man, a man can read into that - I think he's a cheeky bastard tbh.

He clearly still fancies her, highly inappropriate, this is a female he had an affair with.

iseenodust · 19/02/2016 18:08

I agree it seems like an innocuous general comment. I've said it to blokes I know in a professional capacity. I'd take comfort from the fact you thought it was clear they hadn't spoken in a while. Not worth being pissed off.

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:11

That's just it. I have never had a platonic man tell me I look good, it has only ever been partners or men who want something from me. However, I have had/seen women tell other women they are looking great.

I understand some people may think differently and use it more casually, which is fine. What annoys me is that it was his parting comment. After a 5 min conversation he ends it with that. Not right.

I am running out of time, nearly 40, and would like to try for a family soon. DP says he wants the same, but we are trying to work through finances etc. He is 10 years younger than I am, so he has time to kill. I don't. Any whiff of anything dodgy and I have to go.

OP posts:

toffeeboffin · 19/02/2016 18:13

'On the other hand it's just the sort of meaningless thing you say to someone you haven't seen in a while,'

No. I'm sorry Hassled but no it isn't meaningless.

When you say that to a member of the opposite sex you mean something by it.

Definitely inappropriate in this context.

toffeeboffin · 19/02/2016 18:15

How was the dynamic between them, OP?

The general vibe?

ILikeUranus · 19/02/2016 18:15

Of course he has a reason not to be civil - he had a EA with her! Out of respect for you and your feelings, he should have blanked her. Did he tell you immediately about the encounter in full detail? He should be showing you he's putting your feelings first now, not his penis ego.

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:17

They were both in conversation with other people when they spotted each other. Both immediately stopped those conversations to greet each other and have a 1-2-1 conversation.

It seemed platonic, she seemed very happy to see him.

OP posts:

toffeeboffin · 19/02/2016 18:18

Just a sec - they still work together?

toffeeboffin · 19/02/2016 18:19

Where actually were you to witness all this but they didn't see you?

VagueIdeas · 19/02/2016 18:22

It might SEEM innocuous but given their history I think it's potentially quite a loaded comment, i.e. he still finds her attractive.

YANBU to be pissed off.

hefzi · 19/02/2016 18:23

There's a world of difference between "you look good", which is never appropriate imo in a formal work environment, as it relates to your phsyical looks/appearance, and "you look well", which is a vague but perfectly professional way to acknowledge your actual demeanour - so my female boss might tell me I am looking well if I've been off on leave and she hasn't seen me for a while; but if a male colleague told me that I "look good" I would be seriously questioning his professionalism, given its implications.

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:24

They are no longer in the same team, but work in the same area.

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finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:26

I think it was 'well'

OP posts:

finallyunchained · 19/02/2016 18:27

I will ask him tonight.

OP posts:

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228agreenend · 19/02/2016 18:27

I think it was a pretty innocent comment. How were their mannerisms to each other, intimate or casual?

ChasingPavements · 19/02/2016 18:28

I would say, "you're looking well" to a man or a woman if I thought that they were.

However.....seeing your DP talking to the 'other' woman must have felt really uncomfortable for you. I understand why it would have rocked you/upset you.

JesusWife · 19/02/2016 18:34

So many people over looking the face he had am EA with this woman.

Op your gonna feel pissed off and angry its natural, i would be more worried if you didnt feel these things.

It was out of order for him to even stop and talk to her never mind tell her she looked well/good .

Flip

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