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Dh cut off from cousin

(8 Posts)
gandalf456 Fri 19-Feb-16 17:06:43

This has been going on a few years now. Looking back, they went a bit funny after having had kids and spent more time with dh brother, who had children the same age.

When we had our daughter, ;they weren't overly interested even though she got on well with the cousins.

Dh wasn't invited to his cousins 40th, aunts 70th (she claimed we hadn't returned her calls but she left no messages ) and dh did not get a card for his birthday (another milestone).

His brother, on the other hand, is in constant contact. We have never had a whisper as to why and no obvious falling out.. I saw his wife a couple of years ago à nd she was perfectly friendly and got a brief text when dad died . Dd is now on instagr am and the cousins have now all started following her and sharing photos and memories she has no part in. The girls are perfectly friendly so it's not them. But dd is bewildered by it all

Dh is very eaten up. To me it's neither here nor there but I feel v sorry for him and ddbut dh will not ask why which I would if it were me.

Arfarfanarf Fri 19-Feb-16 17:08:26

He won't even ask his brother if he knows what is going on?

gandalf456 Fri 19-Feb-16 17:29:47

No. It's infuriating as i would they don't get on well either. Saying that dh was super close to his cousin when in twenties thirties. I kind of get why. His brother is likely to be defensive or change the subject. He's a very domineering character

Arfarfanarf Fri 19-Feb-16 17:40:41

well then sadly if your husband is unwilling to ask anyone what the problem is he has to accept that this is the way things are and be ok with that. See it as his choice to not seek out the information. We tend to be more accepting when we feel we have made a choice and were in control of that choice iyswim.

Or he could send them an email saying that he is sorry that they don't seem as close as they once were and if he has inadvertently done anything that has caused this, he is really sorry and it would never have been his intention and he would dearly love to sort it out and enjoy the close friendship they once had

that sort of thing.

It requires humbling yourself and starting from the position that he may have offended which is a difficult thing to do, even when it is a strategic move to open a conversation.

Or he can continue to do nothing and be upset about it. That wouldn't be my choice, being miserable about something while unwilling to do anything to try to change it is really depressing and will never make him happy.

If he can't reach out then for his own sake he has to let them go and be happy without them in his life. For how long can a person be consumed by something while at the same time be unwilling to try for change? It's not sustainable.

gandalf456 Fri 19-Feb-16 17:48:57

You are right and they are my thoughts exactly. I wonder if it would be worth involving myself but it's risky as an in law. The problem could even be me.I wouldn't have a clue how to start either

Arfarfanarf Fri 19-Feb-16 20:41:22

Is it possible his brother has had a hand in it? Maybe he has been saying things?

gandalf456 Fri 19-Feb-16 21:53:50

I think it may be, yes

gandalf456 Tue 23-Feb-16 10:53:35

His brother has this odd habit of hijacking DH's friends then leaving him out and being very secretive about it. It is most odd. It's happened 2/3 times. Dh reckons it's a case of not 'wanting us in their gang' and they are like that. They have very cliquey friendships.

However, DD is a bit put out and I'm finding it a job to explain it to her. I don't really want to slag off that side of the family as it's her relationship, not mine, and I don't really give a rat's ass if I'm included or not anyway so there's no point. I do feel hurt for DD as she's done nothing wrong. Fine, leave us out but they are doing it to a child which is unfair as she's done nothing wrong.

DH did have a conversation with BIL a few years ago and he denied meeting up with the cousins and said he hardly saw them. Obviously, from what the children are saying, this is not true. I didn't necessarily know that then because it's only recently that DD and my niece have met up again after not having seen one another for a year despite living down the road.

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