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DH too tired for sex after baby

(17 Posts)
CestLaVie93 Fri 19-Feb-16 14:48:06

I had a baby early October and yes it is tiring/stressful having a new baby. DH is back at work doing 10-12 hour shifts and does more than his fair share of parenting when he's at home so I can understand that's he's tired but he isn't interested in sex at all. We have had it once since the baby was born and I feel like he's not bothered because he's not attracted to me anymore but he tells me it's just because he's tired. I do try and initiate it but I'm getting fed up.

My self esteem is very low as I feel fat (my stomach is disgusting full of stretchmarks and folds), ugly and just a shadow of who I was a couple of years ago. The lack of intimacy is confirming it for me, even though DH says it isn't because of this.

Anyone else had experiences like this? I feel so stupid because usually it's the other way round and there must be something wrong with me! There's always a story or a blog about 'mums' not wanting sex after children but not about 'dads' so I feel like it's not the norm!

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe Fri 19-Feb-16 15:09:38

It is quite a pervasive stereotype that 'men always want sex'. I think the reality is that men are just as likely as women to suffer a dip in their sex drive. Working 10-12 hour shifts with the parenting a new baby on top sounds like it would force sex a little down the priority list to me.

It wouldn't, therefore, be a reflection on you in anyway so try not to blame yourself. Just give it a bit of time.

I'm sure other people with better advice will be along to help you.

Cabrinha Fri 19-Feb-16 15:31:18

Why is he doing more than his fair share of parenting when he's at home?

Does he have to do 10-12 hour shifts, and is that 5 days?

Is he actually tired? Is it a change of hours for him, or is the baby waking you both at night? How genuine do you feel the tiredness is?

It is possible that he is seeing you as a mother not a wife, but that would be because of your changing lives - not some stretch marks.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CestLaVie93 Fri 19-Feb-16 16:04:41

He works 4 days a week (sometimes 5) so he's definitely tired. And when he's home he always wants to bath and feed and play with DS.

We both sleep in our room with DS and wake up several times during the night (I get up but it still disturbs DH) but when I suggests he sleeps in the spare room to get some undisturbed sleep he doesn't want to.

We both haven't had a moment alone with each other (bar a couple of hours before Christmas) so I don't think that helps as we arent a couple anymore, just mummy & daddy all the time. We don't really have family close by to babysit and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DS alone overnight.

I think that is the problem, we don't act like a couple anymore. Its my low self esteem telling me that it's because I'm unattractive now even though DH tells me otherwise.

I know it's a stereotype to say that men always want sex but it's a little hurtful that he doesn't want it, at all. We don't really cuddle and kiss. I dont want to put any pressure on us but I'm worried it will get worse and we will lose our marriage due to just drifting apart. We are a happy family though and have lots of fun as a family so maybe I am overthinking it blush

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThroughThinkandThing Fri 19-Feb-16 21:38:37

I think it is a good sign that he doesn't want to sleep in the spare room - there is an intimacy in sharing a room/bed, so him saying no when you suggest it is good news.

Daisydukes79 Fri 19-Feb-16 21:50:04

It's still early days and it is a huge shock to the system having a baby for both of you. Concentrate more on the hugs and having fun etc.
imagine if it was the other way round and he was pressuring you (I'm sure you're not pressurising him but ykwim). And I agree there is an intimacy in sharing a bed. It'll all come good (excuse the pun smile )

heyday Fri 19-Feb-16 23:11:32

I personally would find it a bit difficult to have sex with a baby in the same room. Could he also be a bit worried about you becoming pregnant again? I think the first step here is to try to re introduce a little intimacy. Try to give kisses and cuddles and say nice things to him and hopefully he will respond.

HeddaGarbled Fri 19-Feb-16 23:59:26

It's very early days and babies are like bombs in relationships so I wouldn't stress yet.

Can the baby go into the other room now? Reclaim a bit of privacy and non-baby space in your bedroom.

10-12 hour shifts are horrendous. Could he do 8 hours over 5 days?

Don't push him out into the spare room - that will just make things worse. It's the baby who needs to go into the spare room.

I don't think you need to worry about this just yet as it's still very early days but at some point you need to regain your sense of self as a person rather than just a mum and wife. Your self esteem should not be soly reliant on your husband. Get out into the world, see friends, join baby groups, go back to work, let him look after the baby while you do something just for you.

PlumFairy2014 Sat 20-Feb-16 00:50:42

Don't feel you have to move your baby out of your room. Pretty sure that's not even recommended by the health visitors before 6 months.... They're only little once and you might exhaust yourself being in and out of bed all night. My
15 month old still co-sleeps and I promise it hasn't hampered our sex life, you just have to be a bit inventive.
If the baby in the room is the issue then there's always ways around this. Make use of the spare room that way instead. ;)
Like people have said babies cause a big change to the relationship dynamics and to be honest at 4 months, that's still early on and very few people I know are back full swing by then (or at all post baby!)
It does also sound like he would be very tired. When my Dd was sleeping dreadfully our sex life dwindled, but I didn't love my husband less or find him less attractive, I was just exhausted and touched out. I can relate to how he feels, it's no reflection on you.

CestLaVie93 Sat 20-Feb-16 08:19:57

Yes, that's true about doing it with the baby in the room. I don't think he's very comfortable with it whereas I don't really see the problem as long as we're quiet. We were planning on keeping DS in the room until at least 6 months as we're moving soon so the nursery isn't set up. We don't even have a cot yet (just a crib in our room).

I think you're all right and I'm just being a big oversensitive. I'm a confident person to outsiders as I go out everyday to baby groups and meet friends and have no problem speaking to people but I fake it as I've just put on so much weight from pregnancy (well it's not from pregnancy, it's from indulging in too much cake!) that I feel like a shadow of my former self. I suppose I will feel like 'me' again soon though.

I need to give it time and once we are more settled into a routine hopefully things will improve and will just try and concentrate on kissing and cuddling and hope that it will come in time. Our relationship has changed but I suppose it's getting used to that dynamic and working around it. I know he loves me, I just hope he still fancies me.

PlumFairy2014 Sat 20-Feb-16 12:52:03

Give it time. I'm only just back to pre-baby weight. It has improved our relations because I've gained some confidence back.
I know it isn't much consolation, but i felt things would never be the same again and they're not, life is even better as a family (now we're all used to it!)

CestLaVie93 Sat 20-Feb-16 13:57:41

Yeah, I think I'm being a bit needy at the moment so that's probably not a turn on!
I do love being a family which is one of the reasons why I'm so scared of it going wrong. Will just need to stop being so pessimistic.

Chicagomd Sat 20-Feb-16 14:01:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlump Sat 20-Feb-16 14:06:30

My DH is still often too tired to have sex - once a month is about average. The DC are 4.7 and 3.6.

Sorry. Some people just get more tired I guess.

HermioneJeanGranger Sat 20-Feb-16 14:34:09

I think it's pretty normal, actually, it's just not really spoken about all that much.

Give him time and space - he's working 12 hour days, getting woken up every night and is still adjusting to life with a newborn. Is there any chance a family member could look after DS for a few hours one evening so you could have dinner or something without having to worry about the baby for a while?

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