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Shall I reply to his email?

(20 Posts)
donners312 Fri 19-Feb-16 09:49:48

I have posted about my STBXH before,

He is a narcissist, liar and totally irrational and unreasonable.

To cut a long story short me and 2 children returned to the UK in July since then he has barely sent us any money, refused to buy the house we were meant to buy and hardly contacted the children.

I asked him at the beginning of Jan to let me know when he wanted to see the children this year?

No response.

Then last friday out of the blue he said he wanted to see the children today - I said no problem (but we were visiting family including his family)

He replied that wasn't convenient for him and in future he must insist I inform him if I plan to take the children out of town?? (he has flown over from the ME - but how should I know that?

Then last night he sent me an email INSISTING FORTHWITH

1. I do not go anywhere with the children without his express permission (i have been caring 100% of the time for the kids since July he rarely even answers their calls to him.)

2. I stop blocking him on my phone (he sends me horrible bullying messages so thought better to have on email as proof)

3. I give him my new address - I have given it already to him and his sister.

4 I stop restricting access. (not once have I said he cannot see them and infact actively send photos of the children via his sister so he doesn't forget about them)

5. Stop contacting his family and deal only with him (he insisted I didn't contact him a few weeks ago as a tactic for me to stop using a solicitor for the divorce). But I have found it much more pleasant to deal with his family than him.

Am I nuts or is he?

Shall I reply or ignore him?

Thanks for reading tried to keep it short!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Feb-16 09:56:12

Ignore him; it is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and the reply is the reward. This is yet another example of him trying to control you and your children.

Re your comment:-

"Then last friday out of the blue he said he wanted to see the children today - I said no problem (but we were visiting family including his family)"

Why did you say yes to his demand?. Do your children really need someone this unreliable in their lives; children need decent male and female role models.

Have you spoken to your Solicitor about your STBXHs latest diatribe?.

seoulsurvivor Fri 19-Feb-16 09:57:25


donners312 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:00:03

Thanks for your reply's.

Should i send it to the solicitor I wasn't sure?

I agreed as the children never see him and because I don't want him to say I am stopping him seeing the children.

But now i have thought about it, no matter what I had agreed he would have found a way to say it wasn't convenient and then blame me for him not seeing them.

Marchate Fri 19-Feb-16 10:00:17

Ignore. His demands have no basis in law. He wants everything on his terms

Liberated71 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:01:19

I think you reply simply to say that all communication about the children from now on should be sent to your solicitor.
What an arse! Seems there are so many of them! angry

Coconutty Fri 19-Feb-16 10:04:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 19-Feb-16 10:06:00

I would forward his e-mail to your solicitor.

Your soon to be ex H is never going to be nice or play reasonable in any aspect of you divorcing him and going forward from that so long as he is alive. This is the real him and his main purpose in life now is to punish you for leaving him. He does not care whom he hurts in that process and that includes your children.

Your children need decent male and female role models; not some man albeit their father who wants everything on his terms only. His actions towards them are not loving ones, infact he is contemptuous of them as well.

ILikeUranus Fri 19-Feb-16 10:13:00

Probably best to ignore. Although I think I'd be tempted to send a short dismissive reply

"In future I will ignore and not reply to this type of ridiculous nonsense.
1. No
2. No
3. I have given it to you and X already, I will not repeatedly provide information I have already given.
4. Access is not and has never been restricted as we both know. You simply have to advise when you would like to see the children, giving reasonable notice so we can make arrangements.
5. No"
I will not entertain any further discussion on the above".

ohforfoxsake Fri 19-Feb-16 10:14:01

Ignore and send it to your solicitor for their information.

I have gone NC with Narcissitic XH. You can never reason with them, trying to just causes upset and conflict. The email he has sent is not thought out, does not put the needs of your children first and is all about him and about him having control.

Do keep direct contact with his family.

goodnightdarthvader1 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:21:13

Am I nuts or is he?

Do you seriously have to ask that?

GloriousGoosebumps Fri 19-Feb-16 10:23:51

Send it to your solicitor and take his/her advice on whether to reply. If the advice is to reply, they can draft the response for you and ensure it works to your benefit if it's ever produced in Court proceedings.

Joysmum Fri 19-Feb-16 10:25:43

I personally would email to advise this was forwarded to your solicitor and all contact should go through them.

donners312 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:35:22

Thats why he is so impossible to deal with - he had been the one to say if I was going to use a solicitor then ALL correspondence had to go through them.

I said that is fine (and definitely suited me better)

But his solicitor doesn't do anything except sent me one letter to say he wouldn't be paying me any money as i had savings and i could live off them (i have barely any savings left as supported me and the children on them since July and had to set up a whole life from them as we had nothing!!! pay rent in 6 month batches, buy a car etc) and that he wanted half of my money as he has now lost his job.

He has hidden all our assets in the middle east (there wasn't much but couple of hundred K - we were meant to buy a house with) and has now lost his job!!!!

He was supposed to give me his Form E middle of Dec, then middle of Jan and then 2 weeks ago - NOTHING!!! this is going to take forever to get divorced from him.


donners312 Fri 19-Feb-16 10:37:27

and he does make me feel like i am the nuts one!!

But now i have read threads on mums net I realise I have been way to easy going and women just don't put up with this sort of rubbish in real life!!!

Even my solicitor said I had tried too hard to be amicable and that just didn't look likely.

I just don't want to go to court and have done the wrong thing?

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 19-Feb-16 11:25:07

I had to take mine to court as he wouldn't supply my sol with financial details, because she gave him a copy of Form E to do it on - standard practice as it obviously captures everything needed.

It did cost money, which I paid for from settlement after all was done. But it gave him (and me) a timetable, and he could hardly refuse to supply the court with a completed Form E!

(Mine was a cocklodger though, with no money or real job of his own - he just did it to be nasty and obstructive.)

Claraoswald36 Fri 19-Feb-16 16:27:53

He is a prize idiot. And much like my exh.
You could send 'please send your proposal for contact. The school holidays are displayed on the school website. I require at least 1 month notice (since he will be flying in) to make arrangements.'

Some great advice I got on mn back along about dealing with these muppets was to ignore all the bollocks but to respond with flat facts such as receiving a ranting email from exh about all sorts but I simply reply with 'so is it 6.30 I collect them then?' Or whatever you can cut it right down to. I wish I could thank that poster because it stopped me being suckered back in to the argument grin

RatherBeRiding Fri 19-Feb-16 16:32:28

Definitely either ignore, or a one line reply to say all communication must be through your solicitor.

Do not be suckered into responding to any of his bullying - it won't get any better!

choceclair123 Fri 19-Feb-16 17:54:43

I wouldn't respond to such bollocks. Send it to your solicitor and let him / her deal with.

Slowdecrease Sat 20-Feb-16 12:27:12

To answer your question am I nuts or is he? The answer is very probably neither but the the process of divorce when children are involved could easily make anyone feel that way. Nobody is at their best. Everyone is defensive and guarding their positions. If things were good between you, you'd still be together. You probably have been too easy going but as mums we want to be compliant for our children's sake and also lets be honest so we can look back and say we did everything we can. I personally if I could turn back the clock would ignore his emails of this nature completely and let it be dealt with without weight of emotion and posturing by the solicitors and I advise you to do the same .

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