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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Feel wobbly

15 replies

Patheticfallacy · 18/02/2016 21:49

I posted a while ago about being scared my boyfriend would leave me. This week I have found it really difficult. He's been really busy with work and quite stressed. He's never been a big texter.
I saw him mid week and he came for a play with his ds and my dc. But I was upset as he couldn't tell me if we could find time to do something nice together next week. He was stressed about work this week and wanted to get that out of the way before organising nice stuff with me. He said he knows I like to plan and he will tell me as soon as he can. But I feel like he won't want to see me again. I feel all clingy and needy. I feel like he doesn't understand me. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm sorry if it makes little sense. I just don't want to lose a good man and drive him away.

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HeddaGarbled · 18/02/2016 21:54

I can't tell yet whether you are excessively anxious or whether he is deliberately being non committal to keep you on your toes.

Have you had this level of anxiety in all your relationships or just this one?

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Patheticfallacy · 18/02/2016 21:58

He's not a game player at all. I am anxious anyway. He wouldn't try to keep me on my toes. I just worry he might not love me anymore.

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Costacoffeeplease · 18/02/2016 22:02

Can't you plan things to do with your children/family/friends? Why does he get to call all the shots?

If he says he can't come over, stay bright and breezy 'oh that's a shame, but we're going to (whatever fun place) anyway, let me know when you're free and I'll see if I am'. Don't be sitting around moping and waiting to see if he's going to grant you a few hours of his precious time

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Patheticfallacy · 18/02/2016 22:07

Yes I think that's what I'll do. I do think that even if you are stressed at work it doesn't take much to give you a hug and say 'we will do something nice.'
But to be fair to him, he does usually see me a lot. He had a 5am start with work and a late finish that day (he had his son earlier so he was working late). So he genuinely is stressed and can't think past the week he's got on. He does stuff for me all the time (bought me a new table, fitted a door for me, buys stuff for my house he thinks I'll like). He's just not able to reassure me in the way I'd like. I don't really know what to do.

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RedMapleLeaf · 18/02/2016 22:11

Bright and breezy is the right approach at this stage. But I do sympathise and this kind of thing would really press my needy buttons. I just try to acknowledge the feelings and feel them without acting on them.

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Patheticfallacy · 18/02/2016 22:17

I am scared I've ruined it by being whiny and needy. I've not heard from him today as he had a long drive (5 hours each way) but he did explain that before he went, as he knows I'm anxious. But surely ten months into a relationship, he can handle me getting a bit emotional? I'm back to bright and breezy now and am not messaging him or making any plans. I'll let him do the running. I just almost feel like ending it with him when I feel like this. It's not fun!

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CockwombleJeff · 18/02/2016 22:19

I think it is important to acknowledge and accept that it may NOT work out and that there is a risk attached - but if you didn't take that risk then you would never be giving yourself the opportunity.

Make sure that you're keeping all your options open .... Don't let yourself become isolated from friends/ family.

Continue to do stuff that is beneficial for your wellbeing .

Enjoy each day - don't look into the future too much.

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Patheticfallacy · 18/02/2016 22:21

I guess so. There are never any guarantees and I find that hard.

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HeddaGarbled · 18/02/2016 22:50

I'm still not clear.

You say that you worry he doesn't love you any more because you haven't made a definite plan for next week.

That sounds extreme and not something that can be fixed by being "bright and breezy". That sounds like something that needs some serious counselling. What's the background? Is this recent, or have you always had these sort of feelings? Is there something in your past that would explain this feeling of abandonment.

But then you say he knows you are anxious but he's not reassuring you. So maybe, it is him, not you.

Would you be willing to look into some sort of counselling for yourself? Even if it is him not being right for you rather than something in you, some counselling may help you to recognise that.

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goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 22:51

surely ten months into a relationship, he can handle me getting a bit emotional

The problem is you're not just a "bit emotional" now and again; you're emotionally needy all of the time and this could easily drive a good man round the bend away because no-one should feel they have to change their ways in order to appease an insecure partner.

I suggest you ask your GP to refer you for counselling to address your anxiety issues and, in the meantime, give consideration to practising mindfulness which will enable you to begin to control your thoughts instead of allowing them to control you.

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Patheticfallacy · 19/02/2016 06:46

I've already had counselling and cbt. Lots of it. It's not a cure all. I usually keep this hidden from him as I do recognise it's not good.
I think he's not reassuring me because he doesn't understand. In his head there's no issue.
I'm not sure that I come across as emotionally needy all the time either.

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Patheticfallacy · 19/02/2016 06:50

Fear of abandonment is and always has been an issue. I'm being very honest here, but it doesn't mean I show this to him. I let my guard slip on Sunday which is why I feel vulnerable.
My father left before I was born and as a child I used to be frightened when my mum worked nights in case something happened to her. I have been dumped twice in the three years or so I was online dating. One time very cruelly as he completely love bombed me and then went cold. The second time I was ghosted. So I keep expecting it to happen again.

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Patheticfallacy · 19/02/2016 09:46

Just bumping

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HeddaGarbled · 19/02/2016 09:55

Hiya. Sorry, didn't mean to hassle you into revealing such personal stuff and then ignore you. I can completely see why you are having the reaction you are.

There probably are men out there who, knowing your history, would be willing to put in the reassurance that you need to keep you happy. But it is a big ask.

You don't really know at the moment whether your current partner will be prepared to go the extra mile for you because at the moment he doesn't know what a serious issue it is for you.

I wish I could give you the answer which would solve the problem but I can't.

I do have two more questions which you don't have to answer but maybe think about. Would you feel ready to tell him something of your past so he understands your vulnerability better? Do you think that you would be better taking some time off from dating if your anxiety around relationships makes the negatives of being in a relationship outweigh the positives?

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Patheticfallacy · 19/02/2016 10:04

Hi and thanks for the reply. No worries, I was awake stupidly early this morning.

I don't think taking time off from dating is really an option as I'm in a committed relationship and we've introduced children which neither of us take lightly at all. I think itd be self destructive to end a relationship with someone I love and who loves me because of anxiety. I'd be letting fear win. If this ends then I definitely would I think but the problem is I don't see this changing.
He knows a little bit of my past but maybe I need to tell him a bit more.

I've actually managed this at the moment by deleting all his contact details so that I can't check if he's been on whatsapp and I can't contact him first. He frequently doesn't check messages for hours and gets absorbed in things when he's busy.
He's not a man of words really. He shows his love in practical ways - buying stuff I need, fixing things, changing a wheel on my car, fixing my heating etc etc. I am into words and hearing reassurance from people. I think it's just a mismatch of communication really.