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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Has anyone separated then had to live in the marital home with soon to be ex spouse?

67 replies

Ramble · 18/02/2016 21:11

As per the title really. Wondering if anyone has had to live with their ex until the divorce is sorted...and how did that go? For you/them/children?
Thanksx

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Savagebeauty · 18/02/2016 21:12

Yes. For 5 months. It was awful

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CardiffUniversityNetballTeam · 18/02/2016 21:15

I did for two months. I remember phoning my mum in tears at least once a week.
Knowing the end was in sight was all that kept me going.

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Ramble · 18/02/2016 21:16

Oh gosh. Not sounding great :(

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Readysteadyknit · 18/02/2016 21:19

Yes - I hope you aren't in this position. It was awful and my now adult DD tells me it was really confusing for her and delayed DC coming to terms with the divorce. It also enabled exH to carry on like a single man while I looked after the children. Avoid if you have any choice

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Bluewombler2k · 18/02/2016 21:22

I did it for around 6 months, it wasn't great. ExP and I got on better as soon as he moved out. It's doable but hard work with a lot of biting your tongue

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Anniegetyourgun · 18/02/2016 21:29

Yes, for two years. Not recommended.

However, the level of trauma depends very much on why you're splitting IMO. If you have come to the mutual decision that you are unsuited but are prepared to be adults about it, it's possible to make it work.

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Winniethewylde · 18/02/2016 21:30

Am in the thick of it now. Bloody awful.

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MyMoneyIsAllSpent · 18/02/2016 21:31

I did, it was really hard. I lived in my bedroom. Our DC were late teens and handled it really well, but for me, if I told you how bad it got you would not believe me but I got through it!

It was not so much the atmosphere but the fact that he froze our joint account, and that was a lot of money that I had worked very hard to earn and I ended up deeply in debt.

Just remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will get out. My Ex and I get on much better and he is still a great Dad. Chin up. Nothing lasts forever :)

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ALaughAMinute · 18/02/2016 21:38

I'm in that situation right now and it's a nightmare!

If I could go somewhere else I would!

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LetTheSunShineAgain · 18/02/2016 21:40

Yep, that's where I am right now. It's very new and very raw. have no idea how it's going to work or how long we will have to live like this. At least 3months I would think. He is refusing to leave and I am financially dependent (for now)

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ShyCharles · 18/02/2016 21:46

I did it for a month. Have no idea how I managed to get through it. Was awful.

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Ramble · 18/02/2016 21:53

Hugs to all of you. I can't imagine it being anything other than horrid but financially and for my child in terms of where to live, it seems to be the only option if I decide to go through with this. How long does it usually take for a divorce and settlement to be reached? Or is that an unanswerable question?

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Rainbowlou1 · 18/02/2016 22:01

I did for about 4 months...it became so unbearable I walked away with my daughter and a few bags of belongings-I lost my share in our house and all my furniture etc..
I lost so much and took so long to build it all back up again and I regret now that I didn't stick it out. I hope you are stronger than me and are able to cope..it will be worth it in the end I just wish I had someone telling me that!!x

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waitinggame1234 · 18/02/2016 22:08

I'm currently doing this. It's working pretty well but we did split amicably and are still friends. I think the hardest bit is ignoring lots of little things that annoy us - it seems harder than when we were a couple (I think in part because there's that thought in the back of your mind that you wouldn't have to deal with it if you weren't stuck sharing a house)

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Readysteadyknit · 18/02/2016 22:12

Rainbow you are right - walking away is not an option for future financial security. Ramble have a plan about how you are going to cope knowing it is going to be really tough. Hopefully your exP is also a decent person and will want to make this bearable for all of you.

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Ramble · 18/02/2016 22:28

Rainbow sorry to hear that. :(
It does sounds awful...as I kind of expected.
Readysteadyknit...a coping plan sounds like an idea...keep my head down and bite my lip?

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Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 22:35

My dh did for around 3 months. Used to come home from work to find ex's new boyfriend sitting at dinner table with kids

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tbtc20 · 18/02/2016 22:41

A year in (long term emotional abuse) and no end in sight.
It is not in his interest to move out so he's delaying at every step.
It's hideous. It got a lot worse just before Xmas - I'm losing weight, not sleeping well, so very anxious, police have been involved, women's aid (been let down by them actually).
On and on.
He's actually away for a few days right now and I can breathe.

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Ramble · 19/02/2016 09:34

Gosh a year. That's hard (hug). Is there no end in sight?

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nearlyhadenough · 19/02/2016 09:42

This is where I am now - 2 1/2 weeks on from H finding out that I want a divorce.

He has somewhere to go - but won't as he doesn't want a divorce and is trying to get me to change my mind.

Luckily our DC are away from home so it is much easier for us. DS is only here for a few days a fortnight.

So far we pretty much keep out of each others way - but I can see that it could get very difficult. It is very early days for us and realistically, for financial reasons I think he will be here for some time. I accept that this is what I started so however hard it may get - in the long run I'm hoping it will be worth it!

Interested in other people's experiences.

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Shutthatdoor · 19/02/2016 09:47

How long does it usually take for a divorce and settlement to be reached? Or is that an unanswerable question?

How long is a piece of string?

Mine took 2 years as we ended up going through court.

We lived together whilst it was going on. It was awful.

However the thing that you have to remember is that in less there is abuse, as hard as it is they have as much 'right' to be there as you do

If they were to get legal advice they would usually be told not to move out.

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Shutthatdoor · 19/02/2016 09:48

Oh forgot to add.

We basically lived separate lives, so the DC would spend time with us separately iyswim.

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Fourormore · 19/02/2016 09:51

I did. He brought his new girlfriend over while I was at work. They slept in our marital bed. Hideous. He somehow managed to convince me that it was totally acceptable.

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tbtc20 · 19/02/2016 09:54

Ramble

Thanks for the hug. To be fair it's not been a year of intense proceedings.
The point of separation was Jan 15 - he said he'd move out. He didn't, so I saw solicitor in March. I then delayed sending him the Petition because I was scared and DS1 had GSCEs. So, it was sort of in limbo for 5 months, but the EA is ongoing of course.

Things have been moving very, very slowly since August.

The decree nisi is with the court. We are waiting to exchange Form E. I did mine ages ago, he's stalling. Then we sort out residency. Everything has to go through solicitors because we cannot discuss things at all - it ends up with him yelling at me, threatening me etc etc.

Meanwhile I continue to work full time supporting the family (including him...he barely works so you can see why it suits him to stay), do all the housework, household admin etc etc and he's pretty much the Nanny for DS2.

While I can see it's awful for anyone in this situation, I am also comforted by knowing I'm not the only one. Quite a few people ask why I don't just kick him out, clearly not understanding that it's just not that simple.

Hang in their everyone!

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ohforfoxsake · 19/02/2016 10:00

I did for 6 months. All over Xmas too. Split in Oct, told kids in Dec and he moved in April. I helped him move, did his flat-hunting with him, packed for him. We were having mediation and agreed to not discuss anything outside of the mediation room. It was pretty much business as usual until he actually went, and even then I set up his utilities etc.

The truth of the situation is he would not have moved out nearly as quickly if I hadn't helped him.