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why am I feeling like this ?

5 replies

fuddle · 18/02/2016 18:34

I contacted an old male friend that I had been in touch with up until my first child was born. Over the years I had been meaning to and I finally did and it was great. My husband knows everything about him. I wasn't prepared for how I felt emotionally though. My old friend and I did so much together and it took me back to a very exciting time in my life. I felt totally consumed by the past and felt so unsettled. My husband and I aren't getting on brilliantly. He had a diving incident and so has no hobbies or interests. He doesn't think its a problem that he has not spoken or seen one friend in 8 months. I have suggested he sees the GP as he said he felt tired, but hasn't. I arranged a date night last night which went well. I am also going to a counsellor. I have alot of resentment as when the children were small he was always away fiving at the weekends. The boys are 15 and 13 and I have said he needs to take them out now and then my other daughter is 11. I feel I have been the dad and I was the one who took them camping,walking,swimming. He comes home from work and sometimes makes tea after that he sits down until 10 or 11 watching telly or playing on his tablet. At weekends we all have to go out together at my suggestion. I have friends I see and I have other interests. O.k he doesn't drink, is good with money but can be so lazy. I moaned to the MIL and she asked what exactly do you want him to do ? The house needs decorating badly but its been me that does it. He is turning into his dad and said last night he doesn't want to socialise. Do I want a marriage like my inlaws ? Or am I just moaning for the sack of it. I am coming up to 50 soon maybe my hormones aren't helping !

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BlondeOnATreadmill · 18/02/2016 20:25

There is nothing wrong, with not wanting to be out socialising all of the time, when you are nearing 50. I am 46 and DH is 43, and aside from a meal out here and there, we are happiest having a nice meal and wine at home. I started pubbing and clubbing at 15 and slowed down around 38 - that's 23 years on the Razz and quite frankly I've had enough. Sounds like your DH has hit this wall as well.

Why are you still resentful of his diving weekends away? They were over 10 years ago? Seems a long time to hold a grudge.

Making contact with an old flame (if that's what he was), was a big mistake. He's making you think of a time that no longer exists. You can't have that life now, you have kids and grown up responsibilities. You can be wistful, but let's not get carried away!

So your DH gets in from working all day, makes dinner, and then sits down for a relax before bed. This seems pretty standard. What else is it you want him to be doing? If it's decorating, that would clearly have to wait until the weekend. If so, tell him that's the plan, order all the stuff on-line and be ready to go at it together on Saturday morning. Kids can also help.

I think you will see life as a bit more exciting as your children grow more independent, as that will mean more spare time for you. If they go to Uni, you've only got 3 years until the oldest goes and 7 years until you are child free. You could travel and take up new hobbies at this point. This is what me and DH are doing, as DC1 has flown the nest, with DC2 leaving in September.

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fuddle · 18/02/2016 21:00

He doesn't want to socialise ever. It depends what you are happy with and your personal circumstances.

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MatrixReloaded · 19/02/2016 00:59

I agree with treadmill. Getting in touch with him was a big mistake. It sounds like it's causing you to see your husband in a very negative light. Do you discuss your complaints about your husband with your male friend ?

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fuddle · 19/02/2016 07:53

No he is coming over to se us all in August. I am not interested in him he just a friend I shared a house with in London and travelled with. I am very aware of saying anything to him, not a good idea. I think it took me back to a time when I was young free and single. I am not interested in clubs, pubs as I don't drink.

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fuddle · 19/02/2016 09:30

Just realised I have nothing to complain about after reading some of the issues on here. Just need to get my husband going abit. Thanks for advice