Treated differently- insecure

[Sasty84]

Cowardly name changed as know how this is going to come accross. Married to dh 7 years, second marriage for us both. I adore him and appreciate how lucky I am to have met him.

Whenever we have talked about our previous marriages, he would tell me how much he loved to spoil ex in every way possible with extravagant jewellery at every opportunity. Before you laugh in disgust, I DON'T give a monkeys about diamonds or jewellery, because my last marriage was abusive and horrendous and I just appreciate being married to the kindest most lovely person I've ever come across. He's my diamond! Here's the BUT though.. I can't help feeling insecure and that he loved and valued his first wife more because of this? Am I being stupid?

[LineyReborn]

A) did he really spoil his ex-wife with extravagant jewellery at every opportunity (think about that)?
B) who do you think he tells you this?

[LineyReborn]

Sorry, why not who

[Sasty84]

Yes he did, friends of theirs used to say the same. He doesn't tell me now, only when talked about his marriage. I don't really care but just guess I'm feeling a little insecure at the moment!

[AnyFucker]

why does he tell you this ?

To make you feel like shit ?

[Sasty84]

I know it sounds outlandish but that's just what their life was- she had a full time nanny, he'd do everything else, then come home with supper and stunning jewellery! She was spoilt off the scale

[Sasty84]

He doesn't tell me this anymore AF- he used to, when he was trying to make me see how he tried to be the perfect husband to her, but it didn't stop her having an affair

[LineyReborn]

I have nothing to relate this to. Do you?

[tingon]

Have you told him how this makes you feel? I would.

[NewChristian]

You're not being stupid. I can't see how his reason for telling you this could be anything other than unpleasant.

[Sasty84]

I'm actually too embarrassed to tell him how it makes me feel, as I don't want him to think he has to do the same for me- he doesn't! He's generous in every other way and we have a good life. Maybe I'm being over sensitive

[fuzzywuzzy]

Does he get you jewellery at every opportunity and nannies for your kids ?

[TheNaze73]

It does seem very odd he should mention it. If you've asked him a question but, you don't like the answer, that's different but, if he's drip feeding you all this, he just sounds controlling & manipulative

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Is/was he very rich?

[VulcanWoman]

Maybe he got in major debt before, now he just can't afford it. Very insensitive mentioning it to you though.

[fuzzywuzzy]

But you do want him to treat you, to make you feel valued in your relationship as you feel it's a reflection that he loves and appreciates you.

If that's the case then, tell him so.

I don't think he sounds very nice tho. Telling you all about how he treated is first wife at every opportunity. There was clearly something not right with their relationship as they are no longer together.

[Sasty84]

He doesn't mention it anymore at all! Used to while his divorce was going through, but we bumped into old friend of his recently who hasn't seen him since he was last married, and commented on how crazy ex was to have affair after all he did for her... which bought it back to me!

[goddessofsmallthings]

he would tell me how much he loved to spoil ex in every way possible with extravagant jewellery at every opportunity

Unless his gifts are reciprocated with items of similar value, any man who does this either has more money than sense or is deeply insecure.

May we take it that he's not lavishing diamonds on you, Sasty, and could this be because was he made bankrupt due to his profligate spending on his first wife?

If he's not short of a few bob I suggest you cosy up to him with a Harry Winston catalogue and point out a few items that would convince you that any man who gifted you with them was truly, madly, and deeply in love with you.

What a nob! Some things should never be divulged outside of a marriage the confessional.

[Sasty84]

Fuzzy he values me in every way and spoils me in many ways I guess. It's just that- and I feel ashamed of myself for even letting it enter my head.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Duh! he was made... etc.

[Sasty84]

Goddess I think you're right he had more money than sense. He gave ex everything on divorce but now money isn't an issue as he's worked hard to replace it. Wouldn't dream of pointing out jewellery to him- I'm genuinely not bothered. Guess I'm insecure because I feel he valued her more as the dm of his kids. Nothing I can do about that!

[AnyFucker]

If you told him to STFU about him and his fucking perfect behaviour to his ex wife it doesn't mean that you are angling for expensive gifts

I don't want to know anything about my H's past relationships. They are none of my business, in 20+ years of marriage I have never asked him and he has never asked me. I am interested in how he treats me now and every day.

Both of you stop yapping about the past and concentrate on yourselves. And if he ever brings it up again, tell him you are not interested

[AnyFucker]

I am getting the feeling he is simply a gobshite, tbh

[Sasty84]

He never brings it up anymore that's for sure!! What's a gobshite?!

[Claraoswald36]

Maybe it's been a learning experience for him that he can't buy love from a partner. Have you considered that. They sounded a bit unhealthy - he spends a fortune and she cheats. Also maybe he put her on too much of a pedestal. I dunno about the op bit to me, an equal relationship with each partner cherishing the other and feeling they are good enough is worth more than daft presents.
Also fwiw my vile ex bought me expensive shiny things. It did nothing to save our relationship or excuse his behaviour. It was all a facade

[Sasty84]

AF I'm impressed that you're not curious about your husband's previous relationships; perhaps if he'd been married before you'd feel differently- or maybe not.