I have no one to talk to about this (my mum - who I could tell- is unwell and I don't have any friends I could tell). I've seen other posters who seem to find the act of writing it all down cathartic in itself so here goes. This is likely to be LONG!
So basically I'm worried that my marriage is failing. I had a 'conversation' with H on Monday night where a lot of stuff was brought into the open and we both acknowledged the relationship is awful and we're unhappy but I need some outside perspective; it all keeps going round in my head and I can't see what's what.
We've been married for 6 years, together nearly 10, known each other for over 15. Have 2 children of 4 and 7 months. He works full time, I'm a Sahm (since birth of 1st child). Own a 3 bed semi, no major financial worries, very happy in with area, children settled. All fairly standard.
Problems then. Over the past few years but specifically since I became pregnant with our second child, I've felt him gradually disengaging to the point where his contribution to running the house has been negligible. I am responsible for everything, from cleaning the toilets, to mowing the lawn, to taking the bins out, to admin stuff, to Diy...etc. He used to have 'man tasks' that he would do (usually after being asked several times and then posting on Facebook how manly he was for putting up a fucking shelf) but stopped doing this over the years. I do what I can myself now and my dad picks up the slack.
The one hous thing he is responsible for is the mortgage. We needed to remortgage last summer to fund a project, we'd known this was going to happen for 2 years. Yet he left things and fucked things up again and again until we had to borrow several thousand pounds from my parents to tide us over while he finally sorted the mortgage out. He has never thanked them for this.
When I was pregnant he had very little interest in the pregnancy (kept drinking in late stages even though I asked him to cut back, went the wrong way when I was in labour as he'd never checked route to hospital). Although as a Sahm I accept that most housework is my responsibility he is in a job where he has 18 weeks off a year (one at the moment, guess what!) and last Easter I pointed out that he could do a bit more in the house, as I was beginning to struggle a bit. He claimed he didn't know what needed doing. I wrote a list breaking down what should be done daily, weekly, monthly etc. List sat there for a week with no change in his behaviour so I gave in and threw it away. That Easter I also decorated DD1's new bedroom. I had to actually ask for his help when I realised I physically couldn't reach the higher bits (NB I got HUGE in pregnancy-have the devarication to prove it). I remember being around 38 weeks and struggling to clear out tip of a car on a beautiful summer afternoon, came back in to find DD plonked in front of Frozen and him asleep on sofa.
Basically there are loads and loads of examples I could give of him being irresponsible or lazy or thoughtless and it especially got to me as I struggled with a difficult late pregnancy and car crash birth. There's no point detailing everything but hopefully that gives a pictur.
We don't have sex. Of course we don't, I resent him so much I couldn't stand him touching me. And he hasn't come on to me since dd2 was conceived anyway. It was very much a feeling of 'thank fuck she's pregnant, we don't need to do that again!'
The 'conversation' was initiated as he proudly to,d me he'd got round to paying in some cheques he'd been given, first one dated early December, others from Christmas. I told him it seemed extremely disrespectful to the people who'd given them that he couldn't even be arsed to pay them into his bank account for 2 months (he spent the money a while ago though, he is extremely naive about finances). This started an argument and I decided to say the previously unsaid and told him quite clearly I was unhappy and why.
His first response, tediously, predictably, was that our relationship is dysfunctional because we don't have sex. Next, equally tediously, was that he feels told off and nagged by me. I said these were symptoms not causes and asked him to think why those things happened. His response, he is worried he is depressed as he has been feeling a growing sense of apathy over the years to me, our life, and even our girls. He doesn't like his job and wants to leave, and he feels unsupported by me as I don't seem interested in it.
I brought up the subject of porn as I twigged during last pregnancy what turning the pc on as soon as I went to bed, then wiping the history meant. He didn't deny watching it. I said I couldn't stop him as he's a grown man but I wasn't happy about it. What really worried me though was a short video I found in the downloads folder featuring a girl purporting to be 17 and an older man talking about her being a virgin. I asked him how the hell he though I'd want to sleep with him when he'd been watching this shit. The thing is, I don't really believe he watched it, I think he accidentally downloaded it and didn't know it was there. He denied it and said he 'usually just watches women taking their clothes off' but not very vehemently and that 'usually' is stuck in my head.
Anyway... Since than he's been to the gp who's has referred him for counselling. Nothing has been diagnosed but gp suggested anxiety. I don't wish to make light of mental illness, I have suffered from depression on and off (and worst PND after first child) since adolescence. Oddly it lifted during pregnancy and hasn't come back. Great for me but I am wondering if my mind being free of depression is helping me see H clearly for first time. But his anxiety. I think he mainly told gp about his work worries which is where that came from. H also said anxiety and fear of failure was behind some family things like not booking a holiday this year (which he said he would) or only taking the girls to the same places again and again. I kind of get that, but how does anxiety explain leaving your shit lying around the house, or not checking the car when you said you would, or watching your wife struggle while lying on the sofa? He may have an issue with anxiety but there's a hell of a lot more going on.
Also by admitting his apathy to all things family he basically told me he doesn't care about me. I kept asking him why the apathy and he just said I don't know. That's quite hard to come to terms with.
He has in the last few days started doing stuff in the house, and I am able to sit here writing this as he's taken the girls somewhere new and will be out (hopefully) for a couple of hours. But we've got a long road ahead, and I am realising that so much damage has already been done I don't know if it's fixable.
Thanks for reading if you have! I'm going to press post without checking for typos now otherwise I'll never do it, so apologies for all of those!
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Relationships
Really worried
Milkinthepyramids · 18/02/2016 12:31
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