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I know I should get out but I don't know how..

(17 Posts)
MummaEP15 Thu 18-Feb-16 10:28:52

I've been with my OH for over 3 years &we have a nearly 5 month old baby together now. Things had always been great but over the past year and a bit things have slowly gotten bad, he has Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED) which makes arguments 10x worse. I've known about him having this since we first started dating &it was never a problem as it would just cause more shouting &more hurtful words. But since 2 months before I discovered I was pregnant it has escalated. It's gone from words, to throwing things, to punching me in the chest &pushing me in the bath. I know it's really bad but I've basically become numb to it all. Ive given up on fighting against him cause it just makes him worse &now his hurting me has almost stopped but we barely talk anymore &I'm so unhapy, as is he.
I should get out of it I know, but I don't want my baby to have a broken up family &I dont really know how to leave.. I have an emergency bag under the bed just in case &I try not to cause any arguments anymore by just barely saying anything. The loves gone &though him hurting me doesn't scare me, I'm scared for my baby.
Does anyone have any advice on how I should leave? I haven't spoken to anyone about this..

hellsbellsmelons Thu 18-Feb-16 10:34:23

Contact Womens Aid urgently.
You need out of this situation and fast.
0808 2000 247

You may not want my baby to have a broken up family but this situation is teaching your DC far worse lessons.

Womens Aid can help you with housing, local help, and exit plan and anything else you might need.

If you feel in immediate danger and any time, any time at all, then call 999.
If you feel up to it you could call 101 now and have a chat with them.
Ask for the DV team and tell them about the situation.
They can then put you on a priority list so when you do call 999 they can get there fast.

tribpot Thu 18-Feb-16 10:37:47

Based only a bit of googling, I'm not sure I believe IED is a real thing. If it is, is he under the care of a MH professional? I'm assuming not. In which case his behaviour is identical to any other abuser, and your response should be the same. (NB abuse often escalates during pregnancy).

Unfortunately there is no point wishing for your baby not to have a broken up family, this is already broken. The question now is how you build a safe home for your baby to grow up in, and clearly this isn't it.

What kind of access to money do you have? Are you on maternity leave? Where are your family, would they help you? Have you been in touch with any support services like Women's Aid?

Marchate Thu 18-Feb-16 10:42:01

You can't live in a house where you are being assaulted. MH condition is not relevant to this. You & your baby need safety above all else

bb888 Thu 18-Feb-16 10:45:05

This is abuse. Whatever reason he gives you for being abusive does not mean that you should tolerate it. Please contact Woman's Aid and start to get some support with this. Your child is already in a broken home, with some help you could move towards a lovely safe and calm home.

stumblymonkey Thu 18-Feb-16 10:46:35

It does appear that IED is a diagnosable condition however I agree that him having a MH condition is NOT a reason for you to put up with behaviour that makes you unhappy and is never a reason to stay around someone who puts you or your baby at risk of harm.

I say this as someone with bipolar disorder. Having a MH condition is not an excuse for abuse.

Please seek help and remove yourself and your baby from this situation. It's much more harmful to grow up in an unhappy and abusive environment than in a 'broken' family <speaking from experience>

stumblymonkey Thu 18-Feb-16 10:46:52

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittentexplosivee_disorder

MummaEP15 Thu 18-Feb-16 10:50:03

Thankyou guys. I wasn't sure if it is a real thing or not &have been debating on asking his mum about it because me &her are close &he seems to use it as an excuse every time he's angry.
The only access I have to money at the moment is child benefit &child tax credit, I wasn't entitled to maternity pay because I was at college studying a uni degree. I have family very close by &they would help but I'm scared to tell them, I fear my dad &uncles might kill him..
No I haven't, I was going to but the abuse basically stopped &it's now just gone back to verbal so I thought things were getting better. I nearly told my health visitor about it but I was too scared to.
My trouble is I've pretended we are a happy family for so long I'm unsure anyone will believe me.

bb888 Thu 18-Feb-16 11:15:17

Whether it's a real thing or not the bottom line is whether if he had it that would allow him to assault you. He clearly has done control if he isn't out there assaulting random members of the public, so why you? I expect that when you tell people they will believe you and probably won't be as surprised as you think sad

goddessofsmallthings Thu 18-Feb-16 11:52:40

I don't want my baby to have a broken up family

Are you happy for your baby to have a broken up mother who's chosen to remain in a toxic relationship with a father who's given to explosive rages without provocation?

Please talk to your health visitor and also make contact with your nearest branch of Women's Aid who can help you to leave safely: www.womensaid.org.uk

Psychologists constantly endeavour to stick new fashioned labels on old fashioned unacceptable behaviour and my reaction to your oh's violence is IED my arse; he's is an out and out abuser who's never been taught, or never learned, self-control and his dm should be ashamed of herself if she never sought treatment for him.

www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/intermittent-explosive-disorder
psychcentral.com/disorders/intermittent-explosive-disorder-symptoms/

ridemesideways Thu 18-Feb-16 12:12:01

It doesn't matter whether his 'condition' is a real thing or not. His past physical and current verbal abuse is unacceptable, regardless of the reasons or explanations for it.

It is domestic violence and abusive for someone to verbally or physically hurt you. There are professionals who are there 100% to help you and will have heard it all before.

The reasons behind it are a side-note, they don't make it right. Nobody should put up with it. Stress at work / depression / explosive disorder is no excuse. None. You have a right to live free from fear and hurt and so does your son.

Please draw a line in the sand today and reach out to somebody.

Resilience16 Thu 18-Feb-16 20:44:46

Oh Mumma, I am so sorry you are in this horrible situation. Whatever name he wants to call it, this is abuse, be it verbal (emotional), or physical.
Please do speak to someone about it, be it your health visitor, his mum and/or Women's Aid. They will be live you,and they can support your escape strategy.
I know it is scary and totally crushing to be in this situation,but there are ways out of it and you and your child deserve better.
Hugs for you and good luck xx

Aussiemum78 Thu 18-Feb-16 22:00:43

A happy home with mum, is better than a home where Dad severely injures Mum.

Kr1stina Thu 18-Feb-16 22:20:33

Are you close to your family ? Please tell them

PrincessBooBoo Thu 18-Feb-16 22:25:17

Oh God! Leave. Thank goodness you have a dad and uncles around, hopefully a mum too. They wont judge. Just leave before you become a statistic please, for the baby's sake

PushingThru Fri 19-Feb-16 03:07:33

You think by labelling his behaviour as a condition, it means it can be treated. It can't be treated. Please, please leave before he really hurts you or your baby. X

goddessofsmallthings Fri 19-Feb-16 03:33:36

The quickfix solution to your problem is in your hands, OP, and I implore you to PLEASE put your love for your ds before your pride, tell your dps what has been going on, and ask if you can stay with them or another family member until you can get benefits and accomodation sorted out.

No matter how tempted your df and uncles may be to give him a richly deserved taste of his own medicine they won't kill him, but they will make sure that you're safe from harm by protecting you from him.

I'd be horrified if a dd of mine had gone through what you've endured without telling me and I daresay your dps will feel the same. Please tell them today as he will rack it up again because he has a prediliction for being violent towards those weaker than himself and, sadly, you've proved yourself to be the most acquiescent punchbag he's ever had.

You and your baby ds deserve so much more - let your family help you live without fear of this controlling and abusive twunt.

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